It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 67

October 7, 1992

I dropped Melissa off at my parents' house and then drove back to the hospital. I brought a couple of snacks for myself and a book for Kurt to read in case he got bored. I checked in with the receptionist and went into Kurt's room and saw him reading his own book. 

"What book is that?" I asked him. 

He smiled as soon as he saw me. He must've forgotten my question already. 

"It's called 'Perfume'," He answered. 

"What's it about?" I sat down next to him. 

"It's about this man who has a very unique and distinct sense of smell and ends up wanting to capture the scent of a young woman or young womanhood-I don't know, I'm not that far into the book. But that's all I know so far. Oh! And there's murder."

I took his hand in mine. "I'm sorry for what I said yesterday. You just make me so angry."

"You make me angry, too."

"What did Courtney want?"

"To check up on me and see how I was doing, but I made her leave."

"Did she at least bring Frances?"

"No. Frances was with her babysitter."

"You're probably not going to be seeing her for a long time, huh?"

"Probably not," He sighed. 

"Kurt, why did you do it?"

"Dave stopped by my house and handed me a tape. He didn't even say a word to me and then walked away. I listened to it and it was you singing 'Old Age', but then as it started to end, you started crying as you sung it and I realized that that was my fucking fault. I felt so guilty with myself. I didn't mean to overdose, Ruby. I really didn't."

"Was it heroin?"

"Yeah."

"You're so fucking stupid. There are so many other drugs and you choose heroin?!"

He smiled. "Yeah, I am stupid."

"I brought some snacks."

"What snacks?"

"An apple for you and Goldfish for me."

"Oh come on, share the Goldfish."

"I will after you eat the apple. Are you even allowed to eat?"

"Who gives a fuck?" He snatched the apple for me and ate it before I could protest. 

"What would've happened if you had died?"

"Well, I would've died. You would get all of my shit and you would be sad. I wouldn't let Courtney keep Frances for the rest of her life, that's fucking terrible. Maybe she would stay with my mom or eve-"

"Stop talking. Just stop. I don't want to talk about this."

"Sorry."

"You know what? At the rate you're going at, you should just write a fucking will."

"That's fucked up."

"What you did was fucked up," I took a Goldfish and put it in Kurt's mouth. "You're going to rehab."

"Okay."

"No arguing?"

"Nope. I probably need it anyway."

"Let me have a bite of your apple."

He put the apple in my mouth and let me bite it. 

"I brought a book," I reminded myself. "Would you like to read it?"