It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 75

November 22, 1992

I got up early that morning to go to the park with the girls. I had time to do a lot of thinking. As much as it hurt me, maybe Kurt and I weren't meant to be together. We both wanted different things. He didn't want to get married, I did. It hurt thinking about all the plans I had for the future and how much I wanted to stay with him forever. 

I had our whole wedding planned out. Last night, I thought it all out while crying. I would have a beautiful white dress on that was poofy at the bottom, but it got tight towards the middle-just enough to show off my curves-that had a lace sweetheart neckline with straps that hung off of my shoulders. My hair would be in a bun with a clip that went in the ponytail that had diamonds all in it. I would do my makeup-the one time-but nothing too heavy. Lorelai would be the flowergirl while Melissa and Frances would be walked down the aisle by my mother and Kurt's mother. My father would walk me down the aisle and Kurt would be standing at the end in his tuxedo-the one time he would dress up because he would be willing to do that for me-and his eyes would light up as soon as he saw me. Dave and Krist would be standing by his side while I had no bridesmaids besides Shelli. 

But that would never happen. He didn't want that. He didn't want the whole marriage thing which was fine. I wouldn't force him to do anything he didn't want to do, but I still wanted to do that. 

That meant that I needed to break up with him. God, that would be so hard to do. When would I do it? When the girls went down to sleep? No, we would probably wake them up with our yelling. What about during the day? No, I wouldn't want Lorelai hearing that. Maybe I would call my mother and have her take them. Yes, some one-on-one time. 

I grabbed Lorelai from the playground and took them to my mother's house. 

"Hey, Mom?" I said as she opened the door. 

"Hey, what are you doing here?" She looked confused. 

"Can you please watch the girls for an hour or two? I know this is such short-notice-"

"Yes, yes, I'd love to," She smiled brightly. "Your father would, too."

"Alright."

After situating everything out, I drove back home. It was the worst car ride I had. Kurt had no idea where we were-he was asleep when we left-and he had no idea that his girlfriend was about to come home to break up with him. I just wished that there was a different way out of this. 

I approached the driveway and shut off the car, sighing and wiped my tears away. I unlocked the front door and found Kurt lying on the couch playing his guitar with only pants on. That would be the last time I would see him do that. 

He stood up quickly as he saw me and hugged me. "Where are the girls?! Where were you guys?! I called everyone and no one knew where you were!"

"I took them to the park," I said dully. 

"Hey, what's wrong? Wait, where are the girls?"

"They're at my mom's house."

"Why?"'

"Because we need to talk."

"About what?"

"Let's sit," I was already tearing up. 

"Ruby, you're scaring me."

I breathed in, then out. My body was aching and I was shaking uncontrollably. He noticed that and rested a hand on my leg to try to calm me down. I pushed it off. 

"Wow, what the fuck is going on?" He asked. 

"We can't be together," I blurted out, sobbing as soon as the words escaped my mouth. Never in a million years would I picture myself breaking up with one of the biggest rock stars in the world. 

"Wha-W-You-Wha-" He was shaking his head and crying, too. 

I couldn't bear to look at him, but I had to. This was my fault and I needed to look at what I caused. He looked like as if he had seen a loved one die. He was looking at me, a hint of hope in his eyes. Tears dripped down the sides of his face and his eyes were getting red and puffy. I was hyperventilating at this point. 

He wanted to say something, but instead he put his hands over his face and screamed into his hands. I started crying harder and I wanted to comfort him, but I couldn't. That would only hurt him more. I wanted to say something, anything, but I didn't know what to say. 

"Did I do something?" His voice cracked. 

"Well, I don't know."

"What do you mean?" He looked into my eyes. 

"We both want different things."

"What the fuck are you talking about, Ruby?"

"You want a different life than me, Kurt and I can't take it anymore. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting. God, Kurt, we've been through hell together and you don't even want to take our relationship to the next level."

"Is this about last night?"

"It's more than last night, Kurt."

"Ruby, I'm so confused."

"I want to get married, Kurt!" I stood up and started walking back and forth to calm my nerves down. "I want to grow old with someo-you! I want to grow old with you and raise our kids together forever but you don't fucking want that, Kurt!"

"Why do you think I don't want that?" He looked angry. "Why would you ever think that I wouldn't want that? I want that more than anything! ANYTHING!"

"Last night, Kurt! LAST FUCKING NIGHT! You set it all up as if you were going to propose to me, and when you got down on one knee, I thought you were going to, I really did, but no! No, you fucking tied your GODDAMN SHOE!"

"Ruby, I was just trying to make a joke."

"Oh my God, it was so funny, Kurt. I was laughing hysterically."

"Wait, you're breaking up with me because you want to get married and I don't?"

"Yes!"

"I want to, Ruby! God!" He ran his fingers through his hair, his ribs very visible, almost in an unhealthy way. He ran over to me and took my hands in his, kissing them repeatedly. "I do want to marry you, Ruby. I want to."

"Then why haven't you done anything?!" I pulled my hands out of his grasp. "You haven't done anything! You haven't made an effort!"

"I haven't made an effort?! I literally went to rehab for you! God, I stopped doing all that shit for you! FOR YOU! I haven't made an effort my ass."

"I'm sorry, Kurt. But you say you want to get married with me, then why haven't you fucking proposed yet?!"

"Because I didn't know if that's what you wanted! We've only been dating for like two years!"

"That's when people start getting engaged-" I stopped myself and just started crying. "Goddammit."

"Ruby," Kurt wiped the tears off of my face. 

"Kurt, stop," I pushed his hands away. 

"Ruby."

"Kurt, just stop."

"Ruby, will you just fucking listen to me?"

I wiped my tears and stopped crying. 

"I love you so much, Ruby. I really do. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you. I can't imagine myself being with anyone else that's not you. You are the best mother to our children. Will you marry me, Ruby?"

I was conflicted. I was finally getting proposed to, but he was only doing it because I brought it up. How did I know that he really wanted to do it and was just asking me so that we wouldn't break up?

"Kurt, I want to. I really do. But I feel like you're only doing it because I brought it up."

"Ruby, I've been waiting for the perfect moment to do it. Maybe this isn't the perfect moment, but it's as perfect as we can make it. With you, I'm...complete."

I smiled and kissed me. "Yes."