It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 93

September 1, 1993

I had agreed to go to the MTV VMA's with Kurt. I regretted it. It was tomorrow, but I still didn't even want to go. 

"You act like I want to go," Kurt took a bite of his cereal. 

"I never said that you wanted to go."

"You're so pessimistic lately. I don't like it."

"Are we going to be bringing the kids?"

"All three of them? Fuck no."

"We can't just bring one. I know that Lorelai would complain the whole time. Are we even allowed to bring kids?"

"I don't really think they care. What we could do is we could switch kids. For the first half, we could have Lorelai come with us and Melissa stay with your parents and then switch for the second half."

"Why in the world would I have Melissa come during the night? That's irresponsible."

"It'd be fun for them. But I was just throwing out a suggestion."

"That could work. Now that I don't breastfeed Melissa anymore, I won't have to worry about that."

"So do you want to do that?"

"Who would watch them, though?"

"Your parents?"

I sighed. "I feel bad always asking them to babysit the girls."

"We don't have to bring them, then."

I thought about going through the whole day while having to hold one or the other, or if they were whining or crying. But then I thought about the positives. 

I couldn't think of any besides showing the world that Kurt Cobain and I had a child together. And that was very selfish. 

"Maybe we shouldn't bring them," I finally decided. What if I regretted it one day, though? "Maybe we should."

Kurt chuckled at my indecisiveness. "Sleep on it, okay?"

"No. We can't sleep on it. I'm going to do your idea where we switch them with my parents. Will Frances be coming, too?"

"Not unless Courtney is coming."

"Excuse me?"

"I mean she wouldn't allow her to go unless she was there."

I called my parents and asked if they were willing to watch the girls tomorrow (using Kurt's plan). They agreed and told me that they would be delighted to babysit them anytime. 

After the phone call, I informed Kurt of the plans. 

"We're going to have fun," He was assuring me, but at this point, I was pretty sure that he was just reassuring himself. 

I looked at Melissa as she stood on her feet, trying to walk, but she just plopped down on the floor again. 

"You should take videos of her," I suggested to Kurt. 

"Why me?" He got up and grabbed the camera anyway. 

"You don't like being on camera."

"Say 'cheese'," Kurt kneeled down and filmed her as she stood up again. "Walk to Daddy. Come on. You can do it."

Just then, she lifted her foot up off of the ground and moved it in front of her. Then, she took another step with her other foot. 

I squealed, but remembered to stay calm otherwise she wouldn't do it. 

She started babbling and took some more steps. 

"You got this, Melissa!" My heart was thundering with happiness. I was so proud of her. She finally took her first steps. After all of her hardwork and frustration with not being able to walk, she finally did it. I was more ecstatic because Kurt got it on video, so we would be able to cherish that memory forever and be able to watch it whenever we wanted to. 

The whole idea behind videos and pictures amazed me. You could look at a memory and not even remember it, but you could still look at it. 

"Good job, Melissa!" Kurt chuckled a happy chuckle. 

She sat down on the ground and squealed again while flailing her arms around. Kurt set the camera down on the ground and picked up her and spun her around. I picked up the camera and started recording them. 

"My baby took her first steps!" Kurt was smiling ear to ear. 

That was when I noticed Lorelai sitting down in the corner all by herself. 

"Lorelai, come over here!" I called her, but she just groaned and turned around and faced the corner. 

I propped the camera up onto the table at an angle so you could see Kurt and Melissa. I walked to Lorelai and kneeled down next to her. 

"Baby, what's wrong?" I asked her. 

"I was trying to tell you something and you didn't listen to me!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You and Daddy were all with Melissa and paying attention to her, but I was trying to tell you something and you didn't answer me!"

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Really sad," She started to cry. "It feels like you and Daddy don't like me anymore. You guys are always with Melissa and you never pay any attention to me."

I started to cry. Hearing my own daughter say that she feels like her own parents don't like her anymore made my heart break. I never wanted that to happen to her. Feeling left out is one of the worst feelings. I had always hated feeling left out and I used to constantly feel left out. 

"Baby, come here," I picked her up and placed her onto my lap as I rocked back and forth. "I'm sorry that it feels like Daddy and I don't like you. We love you very, very much Lorelai."

"Promise?" She stood up and held out her pinky. 

"I pinky promise," I wrapped my pinky around hers and kissed it. "There you go. Did you know that Melissa started to walk?!"

She gasped. "Really?!"

"Yes!" I giggled as Lorelai ran over to Kurt who was holding Melissa. 

Kurt patted Lorelai on her head and then picked her up with his other arm. 

"Oh dear God," I clasped my hands over my mouth. "Kurt, please be careful."

"Careful's my middle name," He winked at me. 

I smiled softly at him. 

I tried to make our family as stable as possible, not matter all of the horrible things that had happened to us all. From Kurt cheating on me to him overdosing, we had gone through a lot together as a family and our children didn't even know that yet. I wanted to make sure that Lorelai and Melissa grew up in a very stable environment. They deserved that. Whatever problems Kurt and I had were not theirs. 

Then I thought about Frances growing up. I wondered if she was going to hate me as she grew up or if she was going to be mad at Kurt or Courtney for their actions. I felt bad for her, as she would not be able to grow up in a two-parent household. I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that she felt loved by me. Even if she didn't love me, I would still love her. 

I would always and forever love our perfect family.