It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 144

We were escorted outside after the police and ambulances had shown up. 

I had made sure to grab the video camera before we left.

Shelli was outside. 

Krist had called her. 

"Shelli, I want you to take Ruby to our house, alright?" Krist asked her. 

"What happened, Krist?" She asked. 

I blanket out, staring at the greenhouse. 

Kurt was in there and they were going to take him away. 

They were going to take him away forever. 

I was never going to see Kurt again. 

Oh God. 

I was never going to hear his voice again. 

No more I love you's. 

No more goodnights. 

No more kisses. 

No more hugs. 

No more touching. 

No more making love. 

No more Kurt. 

I was over. 

I was not going to survive this. 

I wouldn't allow it. 

If Kurt was allowed to leave, then why the fuck wasn't I?

Shelli touched my back and pushed me towards her car and I got into the back seat. 

I didn't buckle up, praying to God that we would get into a car accident and I would die. 

Oh, I hoped and prayed so hard. 

Maybe I would see Kurt. 

Maybe I would be able to talk to him and ask him why he did what he did. 

"He killed himself," I told Shelli. "I just know it."

She didn't respond. 

No, he didn't kill himself. 

Why was I saying that?

If I kept saying it over and over again, I was going to start believing myself and that couldn't happen. 

I couldn't stop picturing the legs.

The legs and the blood. 

Kurt's legs and blood. 

That was his body. 

Lying dead. 

On the ground. 

No, no it wasn't. 

I needed to stop. 

We arrived at Shelli's house.

I pictured Kurt getting out of the car with me and us walking inside. 

I laid down on the couch and shut my eyes. 

I would shut my eyes forever and ever. 

This was just a nightmare.