It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 31

January 20, 1992

Shelli had stayed longer than expected. I grew to really like her. She was fun to have around and Lorelai loved her. Instead of having Lorelai go to a daycare, Shelli would watch her-for free. 

"Bye!" I shouted as I walked out the door. I got into my car and drove to the gym. 

I walked inside of the yoga room, stretched for a little, then saw the class start to come in. When I started instructing, I could see a familiar face, but I couldn't quite put a name on it. He kept looking at me, though. 

Gavin! The neighbor! What the fuck was he doing there? 

I was suspicious the whole class. Did he plan it out on purpose to be there at the same time as me or was it just a strange coincidence? 

After it ended, I stood up and walked over to my bag. I looked inside and made sure my clothes were in there, trying to keep my mind off of Gavin, but I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked behind me and saw Gavin peering right above me. 

"Hi!" He smiled. 

"Hi. What are you doing here?"

"I signed up for some yoga classes, trying to lose some weight."

"You don't need to," I stood up. "Listen, I don't know if you're stalking me or whatever, but fucking stop."

He chuckled. "I'm not stalking you, Ruby."

"How do you know my name?"

"You're dating Kurt Cobain."

"You're freaking me out."

"Sorry, I'll leave you alone."

"Thank you."

I walked to the gym bathrooms after Gavin left. After I got out, I dried off, put my clean clothes on, started walking to my car, then heard someone whistle behind me. I looked behind me and saw a guy wearing a beanie, sunglasses, black shorts, and a black tank top following me. I tried to ignored him, but he shouted, "Hey!"

I stopped before I could get to my car-so he wouldn't know it was my car-and turned around to face him. 

"Do you need something?" I asked him. 

"You," He licked his lips. 

"That's flattering, but I'm taken."

"He doesn't have to know," He moved closer and closer to me. 

"Sir, please stop."

Then, he grabbed me and pulled me into him, trying to kiss me. I managed to dodge him, and instead bury my face into his shoulder. 

"HEY, GET OFF OF HER!" I heard someone shout. 

Instead, the man started kissing my neck and started biting it. 

"STOP!" I screamed. 

He fell to the ground, so I looked at him in confusion, but saw Gavin standing right behind him, panting. It all happened so fast, I didn't know what to do. 

The man got up and ran away, leaving Gavin and I alone. 

"You okay?" Gavin asked. 

"Yes," I smiled, but the smile faded away. 

Gavin still somehow knew that I was working at the gym today-it couldn't have been a coincidence. And it just so happens that he helped me with that man that kissed me. How did he know? So many thoughts were running through my mind and there was something telling me to get the fuck away from him. 

"What's wrong?" He asked. 

"I-I-I need to go," I unlocked my car and tried getting in, but he pulled me back by the arm. 

"Don't go."

"I need to. Let me go."

He let go and stepped back. "Alright. I hope you'll be okay."

He walked away and I got into the car and drove to my apartment. I had this weird feeling rush over me as I drove home. I didn't know what the fuck had just happened-I didn't even have any time to process it. With the guy forcing himself on me and Gavin following me everywhere, I didn't know what to do-I didn't know what I could do. I couldn't call the cops, Gavin did nothing wrong. 

Then I wondered what Kurt would say all about this. He would put Gavin in his place and make sure that I was alright. I was stupid for being friendly to Gavin in the first place, I should've listened to my gut. I wish I could've redone so many things. I wished that Kurt was with me, driving at the slow speed he always did, and having his hand on mine talking about whatever the fuck he wanted to. 

But my smile faded. What if he was cheating on me with Courtney? Or worse-someone else? What if he found someone better and was planning on breaking up with me after the tour? It sucked having the feeling that Kurt could be cheating on me at any moment. 

That was when I started crying. 

I wished he didn't cheat on me. Maybe I could've done something different to prevent. Maybe if I had been there for him more, or if I wore more makeup. Courtney wore a lot of makeup. Always. Maybe that's what I had to do. But, isn't Kurt supposed to love me for me? Maybe that's why he cheated-because it's me. That's what it was. He probably wouldn't have ever cheated on his other girlfriends or Courtney. 

I stopped thinking about Kurt and stopped crying. I pulled up into the apartment complex, wiped my eyes, and unlocked my apartment door. I heard the beautiful sound of Lorelai laughing-her giggle was so high pitched and full of happiness. I envied how happy Lorelai was constantly. Her life was very difficult and she didn't even know it. I wished that I could've protected her from everything and had her only emotion be happy. She deserved all the happiness in the world. 

But who am I kidding? Nobody only gets happiness.