It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 41

March 15, 1992

What the fuck was I doing with my life? What had it come to? I hated it. I was having a child with someone that I wasn't even married to. What if we broke up and our kid had to go back and forth? Kurt and I wouldn't even be able to be around each other. What if I had to see him with someone else? What if I saw him kiss someone else or look at someone else the way he looked at me? 

I was dating someone that got another woman pregnant. I didn't want that for myself. And I wasn't ready to raise three kids. What the fuck was I doing? I wanted a healthy relationship with a healthy family. I knew that with Kurt, I wouldn't be able to have that-as much as I wanted to. Four days ago, I was so happy and I was happy that I was having a baby with Kurt. 

Kurt did drugs-he was a drug addict. For all I knew, he was still doing them behind my back. I didn't care about that in that moment, though. I just needed to get out. I needed space. I needed to get away. 

Lorelai was watching the television, so I shut it off and put her shoes on. She was whining and complaining and at one point she was screaming, but I couldn't do anything about it. I just couldn't think. I picked her up, despite her screaming and kicking, and put her in her carseat and buckled her up. I shut her door and she was still screaming. I started the car and drove to the place where Kurt was having his interview. I wasn't going to be dropping Lorelai off with them, hell no. I was pissed at Kurt. I was going to give her to Shelli. Shelli was inside because she had a friend that worked there. 

I pulled up and by then, Lorelai was bawling. My nerves were shot and I couldn't focus. With the music from the radio, Lorelai's bawling, and the thoughts racing through my head, I couldn't fucking do it. I stood up and I couldn't see for a second-everything was blurry and it was black. That happened to me when I was younger. I was dehydrated. I kept blinking and I was finally able to see. I opened up the door and grabbed Lorelai and picked her up again-she wasn't willing to walk. 

I was frustrated with her and her crying-she hadn't stopped. She was throwing a fit. I knelt down and took her blanket away which only made her cry louder. 

"Knock it off, Lorelai!" I yelled. "Do you want your blanket back?!"

"Give it back!" She whined. 

"That's not how you ask. You need to stop fucking crying, Lorelai." But she continued to cry and reach for her blanket. I wasn't going to take her inside of the building crying. "Lorelai, stop it! Stop crying! Stop it!"

But she didn't. She just cried harder. I sat down on the road and cried myself. Then, I felt someone give me a hug and I opened my eyes to find Lorelai hugging me. 

"Don't cry, Mommy," She said. 

I was still crying, but I looked at her and smiled. "You need to knock that shit off, Lorelai. I'm being serious. Do not throw fits like that."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too," I hugged her. 

I gave her her blanket back, held her hand, and grabbed my sunglasses out of the car. I was still crying and I didn't want anyone noticing. I locked the door and walked inside. I didn't know where to go, but I saw Shelli come out of a hallway. 

"Shelli!" I shouted, not giving a fuck that everyone was staring at me. 

"Ruby?" She looked confused and furrowed her eyebrows. 

I walked over to her. "I need you to watch Lorelai-"

"Ruby, are you crying?"

I ignored her. "I need you to watch Lorelai for a second."