It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 24

December 24, 1991

I woke up to the sound of pounding on the front door. 

How did no one else hear this?

I looked beside me and saw that Kurt was lying down asleep, so I walked out and saw that everyone else was, too. I walked over to the door and opened it up and screamed when I saw who was in the doorway-the man. 

No one heard the scream-no one helped. 

The man grabbed me and picked me up. I tried to kick and scream, but I physically couldn't move my body. And slowly, my screams started to fade away until I wasn't screaming anymore. 

I was utterly terrified for my life and I knew that I was going to die. 

"RUBY!" Kurt's voice called out but he was nowhere to be seen. "RUBY! RUBY, FUCKING WAKE UP!"

Everything turned to black, but then I woke up and I was in my bedroom lying down in my bed. Kurt was shaking me violently, but stopped when my eyes opened.

"You were screaming!" Kurt exclaimed. 

It took me a while to realize that it was just a dream. 

"It was just a dream", I tried telling myself but it felt so real. Maybe it was a sign that he would be coming and no one would be able to help me. 

"Ruby," Kurt's soothing voice said. 

I looked at him and started to cry. I grabbed him and hugged him very tightly. 

"Kurt, I'm so scared."

"Hey, hey," He let go of me and tucked my hair behind my ear. "What's wrong?"

"I had a dream."

"What was it about?"

"The m-m The m-m-ma-man w-w-was-"

"Hey, shhh, tell me when you're ready. Lay back down."

I laid down on my side and he lifted up the back of my shirt and started tickling it. He always knew that calmed me down. Whenever I was upset, he would do that and it would calm me down. 

I laid down on my back and explained the dream to him. 

"It felt so real, Kurt," I told him. 

"Listen to me, okay?" He said. "Nothing is going to happen to you. I guarantee you that if something were to happen, we'd be by your side. You're not going to be alone, Ruby-not after what happened. You're never ever going to be alone because we all love you."

"I'm still scared."

"Come here," He hugged me. 

"I'm sorry. It's Christmas Eve and it's not off to a good sta-"

"Shush. It was just a dream-it's just the morning. We still have the whole day to decide whether it's a bad day or a good day."

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We didn't do much-we just hung out. Lorelai woke up thinking that it was Christmas, but we had to tell her that it wasn't. 

Kurt seemed happy, though. He was really enjoying himself. 

There was a knock on the door. 

"Kurt, could you get that?" I asked him, knowing who was at the door. 

He opened up the door and gasped when he saw who was standing there. 

"Kurt!" She wrapped her arms around him and I smiled. 

"Who's that?" My mom whispered in my ear. 

"His mom," I whispered back.

"Hi!" Wendy smiled as she saw me. 

I got up and hugged her. "Hi, Wendy!"

"Ruby, can I talk to you?" Kurt gently grabbed my arm and took me outside. "What the fuck?"

"What do you mean?"

"You didn't tell me she was coming!"

"It was a surprise. Kurt, do you not like your mom?"

"It's not that I don't like her, it's just-" He sighed. "It's complicated."

"Hang on," I walked inside and grabbed my keys. "Kurt and I are leaving to go somewhere. We'll be right back."

"Where are you going?!" My mom hollered. 

"We'll be right back," I repeated and just walked out of the house. 

"Where are we going?" Kurt asked. 

"Just get in the car."

He got in the passenger seat and I drove. 

"So, why don't you like your mom?" I asked him. 

"It's not that I don't like her, Ruby, it's just that when I was younger, my parents got a divorce-you know that-and they didn't want me, neither of them. They both forced me to go back and forth to each others' houses. My aunts and uncles didn't want me and neither did my grandparents. They all just gave me to the other. Finally, my dad dropped me off at my mom's house one night and I just stayed with her. She had an abusive boyfriend and shit. So, yeah."

"Oh. So, you get along with your mom better?"

"Yeah. I'm still angry at my dad, but it's whatever. Did you know that I was homeless at one point?"

I pulled into a parking lot and tried processing what he was saying. I definitely thought about his mom differently, but I wouldn't judge her or anything. 

"I was a little piece of shit," Kurt chuckled, remembering how he acted when he was younger. "I was a typical fucked-up teenager. I smoked pot, I had sex, I drank, I did everything-everything a parent wouldn't want their kid to do."

"That's why they kept giving you to the other parent?"

"No, I was just being a little shit. I was being rude to them and I was really hard to deal with. Can we just go back?"

"Sure. Are you okay?" I started driving back to the apartment. 

"Yeah, I just don't like to think about those times."

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"I just wanted to stop by and see you guys for Christmas Eve," Wendy explained. "You guys should come over to my house sometime."

"We should," I smiled and hugged Wendy. "Bye! I'll give you two some time alone."

I went out front and let them talk-I didn't want to barge in on their conversation. My parents assumed that Kurt wanted some alone time with Wendy and I, so they went out to eat with Lorelai. 

I sat on the curb and looked out into the dark sky. 

It was really cold out and I didn't have any jacket-the inside of my apartment was really warm. 

I was still suspicious of Kurt. I was always scared that he would go back to Courtney and realize that she was so much better than I was. 

I barely even knew that bitch and she already annoyed me-just the things that Kurt would tell me about her. She sounded annoying and her voice was really pitchy, too. I don't know why Kurt ever had sex with her. 

I always made jokes about it and made him feel bad for it, but I didn't care. He made me feel like shit-he got what he deserved. 

When Wendy walked out, I gave her another hug and walked back inside. 

Kurt looked at me and kissed me. "I love you."