It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 126

March 1, 1994

I woke up in my bedroom and smelled bacon and heard Lorelai giggling. 

I went into Melissa's bedroom and saw that she wasn't in her crib. 

I walked downstairs and saw Melissa sitting in her high chair, giggling and slapping the tray. 

Wasn't she sick yesterday?

Lorelai was sitting at the kitchen table eating her pancakes and my mom was in the kitchen. 

"Good morning, Ruby," She sang. 

"Mom, Melissa's sick," I told her.

"No she's not, look at her."

"Yesterday she was throwing up."

"Did you guys go outside?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe she was just really cold and dehydrated."

"Maybe. I'm glad she's doing better now."

"Are you doing better?"

"Yeah, thanks for coming last night."

"Anything for my daughter," She smiled at me, but I couldn't smile back. 

Not after what happened yesterday. 

My mom came over last night and she looked at me and decided that I needed to take a shower, so she helped give me one. Then, she had me call my therapist and explain to her that I apologize for not being there. Afterwards, she laid down with me in my bed and tickled my back as I cried. 

It was a weird feeling because my mother never acted like that with me in my teenage years. It felt very...nice to know that I had her there for me. 

I didn't know what to do. 

I literally punched a friend because of something that she did. Should I call and apologize?

No, she fucking deserved it. 

Just then, the phone started to ring and my mom immediately answered it. 

"Ruby, it's for you," She told me. 

I walked over to the phone and placed it to my ear. 

"Hello?" I asked, 

"Ruby, are you okay?" Dave's voice echoed in my ears. 

I was relieved that it wasn't Kurt's voice. I didn't want to argue at seven in the morning. I was also glad that it was Dave's because he would know what to say to make me feel better. 

"No," I chuckled lightly. "Did Kurt tell you about what happened?"

"No, he hasn't said anything to us; that's how I knew something was wrong."

The smile from my face faded. 

That meant that everytime something was wrong with Kurt, he automatically assumed that it had something to do with me. That's not how I wanted my marriage with him to be seen as-every single time one of us was upset, it was because of the other person. No, it should be the opposite. 

Was Dave the only one that thought this way?

"Oh," Was all I could muster up to say. "Well, yeah, something did happen between us."

"What happened?"

"First of all-" Before I was about to say the next words out of my mouth, I remembered that my daughters were right in front of me, so I went into my room to continue the phone call. "First of all, fuck Shelli. Fuck her. Fuck her and Jennifer. Well, Jennifer didn't really do anything, but if she wasn't there, things wouldn't have escalated as badly."

"Ruby," Dave exhaled. "What happened?"

I explained to him-without too much detail-about what happened last night. 

"You punched Shelli?!" He yelled. 

"Yes."

"Why?!"

"She was pissing me the fuck off. She came into my house and called my husband and basically told him that I was cheating on him. She should've used her common sense, Dave. Kurt is obviously not okay right now and that just made things ten times worse!"

"Ruby, were you cheating on him?"

I scoffed. "Are you fucking serious?! Does everything think that I would cheat on my husband?!"

"Ruby, you need to calm the fuck down. I understand that you're freaking out right now, but you're overreacting. I know you didn't cheat on Kurt, I was just making sure that you didn't."

"No, I didn't cheat on Kurt."

"Shelli just told me that Ruby punched her!" I could hear Krist yell through the phone. "Ruby's going fucking insane-her and Kurt!"

"Whoa, how is Ruby going insane?" Dave asked him. 

"She's not the same as she used to be. When we first met her, if I were to ask her to punch someone, she would never do that. God, she got married in lingerie! She's always upset and she's just doing things that aren't normal for her. Ever since she met Kurt, she's been going downhill."

I hung up, not wanting to hear anymore of the bullshit coming out of Krist's mouth. 

How dare he talk about me like that-even if it came from a place of him being concerned for me. I didn't think I was going insane. Maybe I was changing, but sometimes people change in their lives because they have a lot going on. 

I was still a good mother. I was still a good wife...for the most part. I was still a good daughter. I wasn't a bad person. 

I hated that Krist viewed me as insane now-and blamed it on Kurt. It was not Kurt's fault. I am responsible for my own feelings. 

I walked downstairs and saw my mom coloring with Lorelai and Melissa. 

"Mom, am I insane?" I asked her. 

She looked at me, confused. "What?"

"Am I insane?"

"No, you're not insane. Did Dave call you insane?"

"No, someone else did," I sat down next to Lorelai at the high chair and colored with everyone else. "They think it's Kurt's fault."

"Well, you have changed since you've been with Kurt, but, everyone changes. Some people go through a time in their life where they change, and then they go right back to normal, or they change and that's how they are forever. But, you most definitely are not insane, Ruby."

"What does insane mean?" Lorelai asked. 

"Crazy."

"Mommy, you're insane," Lorelai smiled at me. 

She giggled as I tickled her. "Oh yeah? Oh yeah?"

"See?" My mom asked. "An insane person would get mad at that."