It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 150

July 15, 1994

I had moved out of the house in Seattle. I moved into a little tiny apartment that would fit all three of us-Lorelai, Melissa, and I. 

Dave was going to stay with me the first night and then tomorrow I was going to get my girls back. 

I had not seen them in months and it broke me. I missed them everyday and I called them, but it wasn't the same. 

I laid down on my bed and played the tape. 

Dave nodded at me reassuringly. 

I played the tape. 

"Today is April 5, 1994," Kurt sighed. "I knew that you would go through my stuff, Ruby. I knew that you would find this because you are such a curious person and you like to snoop in other people's things. I am dead, Ruby and I'm so sorry. You left to go to the grocery store and you asked me if I wanted to go with. Nothing could've prevented this. Not even if you forced me to go to the store with you, not if you never met me, nothing. I have been feeling this way for the past year. And I'm sorry you got stuck with me as a husband because now this had to happen to you. I am a fucking horrible person. I am a bitch, I am a cunt. I am the worst person to have ever lived because I know that you went through this with Robert. I promised you that I would never do that to you and that I would stay with you as long as you're alive. Ruby, I can't anymore." He started to cry and took a deep breath in, then out. "It's not you or the girls, it's me. I simply cannot do this anymore. I am in so much pain. My stomach and just feeling worthless. I feel like I'm not worth anything anymore. To you, I might be worth something, but you all would be better off without me. I have been driving you crazy for the past year and I've turned you into someone that you should've never become. You're not as happy anymore and you're just so miserable now. You're turning into me and I don't want you going down the same path as me. You deserve more than me, Ruby. You deserve better than me. You're going to find someone better for you. You're going to find someone who is a wonderful father to our children and will treat them better than I could have ever treated them because you attract people like that, Ruby. I know, I know, you attracted me, too. I did this to myself and there's no going back. I'm too deep into this hole I'm in. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. Your red hair, your green eyes, your perfect body, your personality, your love that you have for other people. Fuck, everything about you is something that I want in someone. I couldn't stay in this godawful world anymore. You make it tolerable for me, you make me want to live. But, Ruby, the only problem is that I don't make you want to live. You had been planning on divorcing me for a while and you had your doubts about our relationship. I just made the solution easy for you, Ruby. You gave birth to Lorelai and you did a hell of a job raising her on your own. I know that you're going to do the same with Melissa. Except you have people along the way to help you. Melissa and Lorelai are so lucky to have you as a mother, Ruby. You are the most perfect mother ever. You are the most perfect wife-you're the most perfect person. I treated you horribly and I was a terrible person to you. You deserve way better than me and you know it. I never thought that I would be able to have as much love for a person as I have for you. You make me complete and you make me whole. But, I am a waste of space. I simply have too much love for people that I can't handle it anymore. There are so many memories of us, I can't possibly pick a favorite. I mean, hearing you laugh, seeing you smile, hearing you talk to me, kiss me, have sex with me, just everything about you is amazing. But, if I absolutely had to pick a favorite it would be our wedding day. You looked beautiful and sexy. God, I was the luckiest man alive. I knew that you were the one for me. Your smile as soon as you saw me gave me butterflies. Holding your hands and kissing you as husband and wife, that was what kept me alive. That night was the best sex I have ever had in my life, Ruby. Just watch the video and you'll see what I mean." Kurt chuckled, which made me start to cry. "You are the most important person to me and you mean more to me than you'll ever know." He started to cry hard. "I don't want to say goodbye, but I have to. This is harder for me than you will ever know and I know that's selfish of me, but I have to do what I have to do. I want you to be the best version of you that you can be. I want you to take a couple months to yourself to collect yourself and then I want you to be the best mother and I want you to love again. I don't want you to be alone forever. You're going to find someone and you're going to make sure that they know how lucky they are. These past four years have been the best years of my life and it's all because of you. I'll love you always and forever. You are the love of my life. Goodbye, Ruby."

I shook my head, not wanting it to end. I was sobbing and so was Dave. 

I had felt every emotion possible in that moment. I didn't even know that was possible. But it was. 

The love of my life was dead and it wasn't my fault. He had chosen to do it and he knew the consequences. He knew how it was going to affect everyone in his life, but he still did it. 

His whole life, he had just wanted to be happy, but even after twenty seven years, he still wasn't happy. The rock star lifestyle was too much for him and he had a bunch of other problems that he never dealt with when he was younger that caused this. 

I would always love Kurt Cobain. I would always love him for who he was, despite what he did. 

This tape was a restart for me. 

It made me realize I needed to get my shit together.