It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 112

January 12, 1994

"No fucking way," Dave said over the phone after I had just told him about everything with Lucinda. "What names did you call her when she arrived?"

I smiled. Dave knew me too well.

"I called her a bitch and a cunt," I chuckled. 

"Goddamn, Ruby."

"I thought I hated her. See, the thing about me is I'm nice to everyone unless they give me a reason to be rude about them. The second I suspect someone not liking me, I put a wall up and act like I don't like them either."

"Oh, I know. You did that to me."

There was one day that Robert and I were hanging out and he told me that Dave thought I was annoying. I put a wall up and ignored him after that. I didn't talk about him like how I used to and I acted like we were never friends. 

I didn't want to get hurt, but most of all, I didn't want to feel embarrassed. I didn't want to make a fool out of myself after acting like I was Dave's best friend. 

Turns out that Dave never said that and was just messing around with me. 

I smiled, thinking about how long ago that was. "I apologized, though."

"Apologies don't always fix everything. So, is Lucinda in Lorelai's life now?"

"I honestly don't know what I'm going to do, Dave. She thinks that Kurt's mom is her grandmother, but Lucinda is. I'm not going to explain to her what happened with Robert, so I can't tell her who Lucinda really is. But, I also don't want to deprive Lucinda the right of seeing her granddaughter."

"You're probably just going to have to ease her into Lorelai's life."

"Yeah, I probably will. How is everything with you guys and the tour?"

"It's really good. Actually, Pat and I had a talk yesterday and I feel really bad for the guy. He feels like he's not really a part of Nirvana because he wasn't a part of it from the start, unlike us. But, that's exact how I felt when I first joined, Ruby. Hearing that made me feel more included with Krist and Kurt. Is that selfish of me?"

I shook my head and chuckled softly to myself. "You're such a dork. How's Jennifer?"

"She's taking a shower right now."

"How's he doing?"

I didn't even have to say his name for him to know who I was talking about.

"Kurt's doing fine, Ruby. You don't have to worry about him."

"I always worry. Am I able to speak to him?"

"He's not here right now."

"Where is he?"

"He went out with Krist somewhere."

"Oh, okay." 

That made me feel a little uneasy. I kept thinking about the time he went on tour while having an affair with Courtney. For all I know, he could be hooking up with someone else and Dave could've been hiding it from me like he did before. 

"Dave, are you sure?" My voice quivered. 

"Kurt!" Dave hollered. "You're back! Your wife's scared that you're sleeping with someone else."

Oh God. 

"Give me that," Kurt growled. "Ruby?"

"Hi Kurt," I smiled as I heard his voice. 

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. Dave's just joking around."

"You fucking serious, Dave?!"

"Stop, Kurt! Okay, listen, maybe I was scared that you were maybe doing that, but you can calm down."

"Mom!" Lorelai screamed. "Melissa's pulling on my hair!"

"One second," I told Kurt and rushed to Lorelai and Melissa. I pulled Melissa's hands out of her hair. "No, no." I walked back over to the phone and took a deep breath in, then out. "Sorry, Melissa was pulling on Lorelai's hair."

"You seriously think I would cheat on you again?"

"Kurt, I'm not getting into this again. Why are you so fucking angry?"

"Nothing, now answer my question."

"No-I-I don't think so."

"Great. My wife thinks I'm going to cheat on her! Krist, my wife thinks I'm going to cheat on her! Pat, my wife thinks I'm going to cheat on her!"

I started to cry. Not because he said that, but because I knew the path that we were going to go down on. When he was on tour for a while, Kurt and I argued a lot to the point where we couldn't even talk on the phone because all we would do was argue. For some reason, whenever Kurt and I missed each other, we would argue. 

That was about to happen again and I knew that it was, so I cried. It was as if I saw my whole life flash before me: Me staying at home with the kids while Kurt was on tour for a while. Me not being able to trust him because he had cheated once before, him getting frustrated with me, and us constantly arguing. 

"Ruby?" Kurt's voice softened. "Why are you crying?"

I just hung up the phone. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to have as good of a conversation with him as I would've wanted. 

I sunk into a small ball as I slid onto the floor. 

I had many thoughts about Kurt and I as a family and our future together. Whenever I wasn't around him, those were the times that I had those thoughts. When I was around him, I didn't ever really think about that because when I was around him, it was as if nothing else mattered. I didn't want to think about anything else. 

"Come on, Melissa," I heard Lorelai say. 

I lifted my head up from my arms and saw Lorelai holding hands with Melissa as they walked towards me. Lorelai hugged me and Melissa hugged me right after. 

"Oh," I cried harder. 

"We love you, Mom," Lorelai kissed my cheek. 

"I love you more."