It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 110

January 9, 1994

"I'm on the phone with her right now," Kurt spoke over the phone. "No you can't talk to her. I'm talking to her right now. Once I'm done, yes. Now go away."

"That was very nice of you," I joked. 

"That was Dave. If he wants to call you, he can do it on his own time. Right now, I'm talking to you."

"Kurt, how has it been?"

"Lonely? I don't know. The shows have been good, but I have a little of a sore throat."

"Take something for it."

"I'm already taking enough shit as it is. My stomach has been getting fucked up again, too."

That made me very worried for him. I didn't know if that meant that he was going to go down another spiral and start shooting up again. Even if he were to, there was nothing I could do about it except talk to him-I was all the way on the other side of the world. I probably wouldn't even know until it was too late. I knew that Krist, Dave, or Pat were going to be paying much attention to him. They all had their own things going on and Kurt wasn't their responsibility. 

"Ruby," Kurt said sternly.

"Yeah?" I asked. 

"What's going through your head right now?"

"You don't want to know."

"Ruby."

"What if you start using again?"

He sighed. "Ruby, I'm not going to."

"But you want to, I know you do."

"You don't trust me."

"You've lied to me countless times before, Kurt. I have a problem trusting you sometimes."

"I know, Ruby. I'm trying, I'm really trying. Why can't you just fucking see that?"

I knew that this would spark up an argument. "Let's talk about something else. I bought my wedding dress."

"You did?" His tone changed completely. It sounded as if he had just gotten the best news ever. 

"Yes," I smiled. "It's so beautiful, Kurt."

"I bet you look really beautiful in it."

"I do. Do you have your outfit picked out?"

"I'm just going to go in a t-shirt and pants."

"Kurt."

"Kidding! Kidding."

"I'm scared that you're actually going to do that. I feel like you are."

"I wouldn't. I already did do it when we got married."

"Kurt, I can't believe that we're going to have the ceremony in seven months. It's going to go by so quickly."

"We have everything ready, right?"

"Yeah. All I need to do is make sure that Shelli and Jennifer get their dresses on time and then we have our bachelor and bachelorette parties." I gasped. "We have to get dresses for the girls, too. I'll wait until you get back, though."

"That's not going to be for a while, so you can just do it now if you want."

"You're going to come back in, like, June or July, so we can just do it then. It doesn't even have to be expensive dresses; they can just be dresses from a department store or something."

"How are you doing?"

"I'm doing good. Why?"

"I just want to make sure my wife is doing alright."

"Wife," I smiled. Kurt never really called me his wife, so it was nice to hear him do that every once in a while. 

"I have to go, Ruby. They need me. But, here, you can talk to Dave."

"Oh, okay. I love you."

"Love you, too."

"Hiya!" Dave hollered. 

"What do you need?" I asked. 

"I just wanted to let you know how Kurt's doing. I don't know if he told you how he's really doing."

"What's going on? Is everything okay?" I was suddenly preparing for the worst-case scenario. I had to do that too many times. 

"He's doing alright. He's stressed out with everything, but he needs you, Ruby."

"What are you talking about?"

"He misses you so much. He stole the video camera and just watches videos of you two all the time while crying. He writes all the time, but they're not songs-they're about you."

"You went snooping?"

"He's not okay. It doesn't sound really bad, but it really is. I needed to make sure that he wasn't going to end his life or anything. It was so deep-what he wrote about you. He's obsessed with you. This man really loves you. God, you don't even know how much control you have over him. He literally wrote in his journal, 'She could put a gun up to my head and tell me that she was going to end my life and tell me every horrible thing about myself and I wouldn't even be upset.'"

"He probably wrote that when he was suicidal, Dave. And that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don't like that."

"That was from a while ago and it was when he was suicidal, but you guys are soulmates. I guess the whole reason I was saying this is because I love you both dearly-I'll always pick you over him-and I'm really happy that you found your person. You know, if I'm being honest, after Robert died, I thought you weren't ever going to find anyone else. But I'm so proud of you, Ruby."

"Thanks, Dave," I was tearing up. Dave was like a brother to me. He was also a really soft and sweet person. He always said things to cheer me up and told me that he was proud of who I was. My parents never told me that, so Dave stepped up and did it for them. "You are the best best friend ever. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, I'm such an awkward person."

"I know you are."