It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 65

October 4, 1992

"No, he literally fucking called me to come pick her up," I told Dave as I carried Melissa in my arms. 

"What about Lorelai?"

"She's at my parents' house and I'm planning on her staying there for a little while."

"Are you okay?"

"No. No, I'm really not. When I asked him why he wanted me to pick Melissa up, he said that it was because of his stomach problems. I haven't heard him talk about those for months."

"What exactly is wrong with his stomach?"

"Don't know. The fucking doctors won't do their job and tell us what it is. They say that they 'don't know'."

"Ruby, go ahead and go take a breather," He took Melissa from my hands. "When she's hungry, I'll let you know. Go in my room for a second."

I groaned and did as he told me to. I sat on his bed, thinking about what there was to do. I went into his bathroom to check if I had bled through, but I didn't. I sat back down on the floor and noticed that Dave had a guitar propped up against his back wall. I grabbed it and noticed that he had a guitar pick tucked into the guitar strings and the first fret. Not only that, but there was a capo, too. 

I sat down on the floor and rested the guitar against my thighs. I moved the capo to the fifth fret and started playing "Fade to Black", but instead, I started playing "Old Age". 

That song was written by Nirvana. Kurt didn't like it, but when he first showed it to me, I liked it. I asked him to teach me it on the guitar and he was very patient with me. He was naming the names of chords, and I couldn't understand what he was saying-I never had guitar lessons. I just learned songs. After teaching me the song, I played it along with him as he sung. He was singing terribly on purpose. He got embarrassed singing in front of people that were not an audience. 

I made the decision to start singing and it did not sound that bad, in my opinion. But, what I hear is different from what other people hear. In the middle of me singing, I started sobbing. God, what the fuck was I doing with my life? This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to get married, for fuck's sake! Even during the interview a couple days ago, Kurt didn't notice that I was upset that I was called Mrs.Cobain. 

Ruby Cobain. 

That didn't sound right. 

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The next day, I woke to Melissa crying. I took her out of her Pac-N-Play, walked to the living room, and breastfed her. I wondered if Kurt had reached out at all and Dave chose to not tell me. Dave had always been really overprotective over me-everyone noticed it. Even Robert wasn't that overprotective of me. Dave always said that he wasn't, but I knew that there was a reason why. 

I didn't like where my life was headed. Nothing was coming of it. I wasn't even fucking working. I get that Kurt and I had discussed that and we agreed that I wouldn't have to since he had enough money to pay for everything, but I was still bored just sitting at home with everyone. What would I do while Kurt was gone? Maybe Shelli would stay with me, but if I was being honest, I didn't really want her to. I wanted Kurt. But he didn't want me. 

Maybe we needed to break up. Maybe we needed to do that so that we could get our lives back on track and finally focus on them-without each other. 

I felt like a horrible person sometimes. The way I treated people was terrible; I was just always so quick to react. Always. That hurt people's feelings most of the time, but still I continued. I hadn't always been like that. I used to be nicer, but I really think that Robert's death had been taking a toll on me. I had never "processed" it. 

"Goodmorning!" Dave hollered, startling me. 

I nodded my head at him and then when he noticed me breastfeeding, his eyes widened and he spun around, causing his back to face me. 

"It's fine, Dave," I told him. "It's just breasts. Besides, I'm about to switch Melissa."

I switched Melissa from one breast to the other, putting my breast away. 

"If this makes you uncomfortable, then I'm sorry," I told him. 

"No, it's alright. I'm going to make some coffee. Want some?"

"Nope."

After he finished making coffee, I finished feeding Melissa and I burped her. 

"I'm going to put her back down after she burps," I explained to Dave as he sat down on his couch. 

"Okay."

"So if you need anything out of your room, make sure to grab it."

"No, I don't need anything."

After Melissa had burped, I carried her softly and put her back down to sleep in her Pac-N-Play. I softly shut the door and went into Dave's other bathroom and brushed my hair and teeth. Then, I walked back out and sat down on the couch. 

"You've changed," Dave said bluntly. 

"What?"

"You've changed. You're so different now."

"What do you mean?"

What I just heard broke me. I've changed? I'm different? Where was he going to go with this?

"When you were in high school," He started. "You were so happy and full of life. Even though you and your parents didn't get along, you just cared so much about everyone you cared for. Now, it's like you don't care about the people you care for. I mean, besides Melissa and Lorelai. But the way that you treat everyone is shitty and you know it, Ruby."

"Shut up, Dave."

"No. For the past two years, I've listened to you and I've let you get away with how you talk to everyone. You need to stop. I'm worried for you, Ruby. You're not happy anymore."

"Yes I am. Look at me."

"Exactly! Look at where you are sitting at right now. You're sitting in your best friend's house because you and your boyfriend got into an argument. Let me say something, Ruby. That man is not breaking up with you. I see the way he looks at you. He's not going to. But, back to what I was saying. You're not even in your house. You yourself are not financially stable. You don't even have a job. I get it, you don't think you need one, but let's say that you and Kurt do split up. How are you going to afford your own place to stay or afford food for your daughters? Or yourself?!"

"Please stop that. My daughters come before me."

He sighed. "Ruby. You're not happy anymore. I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I think you need to go see someone."

"You mean a therapist?" I chortled. "There's no way."

"I think you should; at least just one appointment."

"No."

"Ruby, you don't smile anymore. Ever since you've been with Kurt, you've been more depressed. And I know that you haven't properly handled what happened with Robert."

"What happened with Robert is over."

"Ruby, I just want you to be happy and smile again. That's all I'm asking for."

"So what do you think I should do besides go and see a therapist?"

"Stop running. If you and Kurt were to get married, you can't just run away from your problems, you have to face them and solve them. You and Kurt are together-you're a team. Start acting like it."