It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 49

I opened my eyes and I was lying down in my bedroom. I looked beside me and Kurt was still sleeping. What the fuck? I ran to Lorelai's bedroom and saw that she was still lying down in her bed. I went downstairs and saw that the door was still locked. So, I continued back to my bedroom and sat down on my bed. 

It was a nightmare. The worst nightmare I had ever had. 

I broke down and started bawling and wailing. It was horrible. I was crying so bad that my body was shaking. It must've woken up Kurt because I heard him faintly ask what was wrong. I walked into the bathroom and splashed my face with water. But, I was still sobbing. 

"Hey, hey," I heard footsteps run towards me and I saw Kurt hug me from behind. "Ruby, what's wrong?"

"I had a horrible dream," I spun around and hugged him, burying my face in his bare chest. He always slept with no shirt on-just really large pants. 

"Come on, let's lay down," He directed me to the bed and we laid down. 

"Can I lay down on you?"

"What?"

I rested my head on his chest. "Can I do this?"

"Of course," He ran his fingers through my hair. 

I explained to him what happened in my dream. It made me uncomfortable just saying it out loud. 

"Jesus," He rubbed his eyes and yawned. 

"I'm sorry. You go back to sleep-this is a lot to take in. I'll talk to you about this in the morning."

I went to go lay down on my own pillow, but he pulled me back to lay down on his chest. 

"Ruby, sit up, will you?" He asked me. 

I sat up and looked at him. "What?"

"What happened in the dream?"

"You and I died."

"And what about Lorelai?"

"I don't know. The dream ended with me getting shot in the head. The last words I said were, 'Look away, Lorelai and this will all be over' or something like that. I can't even remember. Kurt, I already told you all of this."

"I know, I know, I'm just trying to get a better understanding to try and help you."

"Thanks."

"So, this scared you?"

"Yes."

"Listen, it's okay. No one's breaking in. And now we know that-IF someone were to break in-to not use that stupid plan of me."

"I'd still hide Lorelai."

"Well, you're pregnant Ruby. I wouldn't want you to-It's fucking three in the morning, Ruby. Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

I chuckled and kissed him. "Sure. Are you tired?"

"Extremely."

I kissed him goodnight and sat up as I watched him drift off to sleep. He was so angelic and priceless. I wanted to touch him forever, to love him forever. That's what I would do. Even if we were to break up, I would love him forever. 

Kurt was different from a lot of the other guys. He went through shit that a lot of other people haven't been through. For Christ's sake, he was close to committing suicide. He was so close. I wondered what would've happened if he didn't commit suicide-if I would've ever found someone else. Or if Dave and I never met. If Dave and I never met, I would have never met Kurt. 

I walked down the hall and into Lorelai's room where I watched her peacefully sleeping and went downstairs and sat down on the couch. There was one night where my senior year of high school that I had a really bad argument with my mom. She was complaining how I was never home and I was a horrible mother since I never took care of Lorelai. It was hard. I was scared that I was going to yell at Lorelai accidentally, so I wouldn't go near her when I was nervous or stressed or angry or upset-that was majority of the time. I wasn't really involved in Lorelai's life the first couple months of her life. Robert, though, he helped tremendously. We were his girls, as he always called us. Well, after the argument, I told my mom that I was going to take care of Lorelai and I was never going to come back. I drove to Robert's house and I told him what happened. He put Lorelai down to sleep and he made sure that I was okay. 

That was just how Robert was-always making sure that everyone was okay. When I was upset, he always rushed to my side. He had a system. He would ask what was wrong and ask if we would want advice or just to vent. I would always get frustrated when he would ask that because how would I know? I was just mad. But, he seemed to know the answer every time. He was enchanting and charming. He was extremely good-looking (even Dave admitted it himself). He was just perfect in my eyes. 

That was until his father died. After his dad passed away, it was as if he transformed into a different man. He wasn't as loving anymore. He didn't show affection. He wouldn't hug me-but he would kiss me. He wouldn't sing Lorelai to sleep, he would just give her a kiss and leave the room. In my eyes, it was perfectly normal for him to be doing that-especially since he had just lost his father-but then it grew worse. He wasn't smiling anymore and he wasn't cheerful. He was always pessimistic. There were still good times, yes, but there were more bad than good. 

People were telling me to leave and get out of that relationship before it turned abusive. They didn't know Robert like I did, though. He would have never abused me. And I was right. He was just really distant. He allowed me to help him and tell him that things would be alright, but he wouldn't believe them. It was as if he was keeping things in balance because as soon as he died, everything went downhill. 

I wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't able to enjoy anything. I had Lorelai stay with someone else while I tried to get myself together, but I couldn't. I couldn't seem to do anything right during the first couple of months without Robert. I was scared to be by myself. But, Dave left, too. He had to go and that hurt a lot because he was all that I had (besides Robert and Lorelai). My parents weren't happy with him and Robert's parents were out of the question. So, it was just Lorelai and I on our own. 

I was special. A lot of girls (and boys) envied me and I took advantage of that. I didn't realize how special I was to have the world's biggest rock star as mine. He was in my house right that second. We were together. I got butterflies thinking about that. 

After he overdosed, I thought a lot about him dying and what would happen. I wouldn't be able to function or be the same. Two boyfriends of mine dying. I would never date again. My trust would vanish and I would disassociate myself again-like how I did with Robert. But, I thought a lot about Lorelai. What would that look like for her?

What Kurt did was selfish, but he learned his lesson.

I hope.