It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 165

"And how did he treat you?"

"He treated me very well. He always checked up on me and made sure that I was alright. When I was sick, he used to make me food and take care of Lorelai for me. When he was gone on tour, he would call me as much as he could. But, when Nirvana became really big, I noticed that he had changed. He wasn't full of himself, no, but had a different outlook on people. He used to love people and then all of a sudden it seemed like he hated everyone except for his family."

"Kurt cheated on you, right?"

I rolled my eyes, surprised by how blunt the director was. It seemed like he didn't care about my feelings at all, but just wanted answers.

"Yes," I replied. 

"How did you find out?"

"I found out from the television, actually. It was in '91 and Courtney Love was doing an interview on MTV and she talked about how she was dating Kurt Cobain. I was like, 'this girl has some serious issues' because I thought she was infatuated with him. But, turns out that Kurt had cheated on me."

"And then shortly after that, you got pregnant with your guys' only daughter Melissa, right?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"How did you tell him?"

"Well, he had just gotten back from his 'Nevermind' tour and I told him that I was pregnant and he was not happy at all. That made me really upset. Like, why the fuck was he mad at me? He told me shortly after that Courtney was pregnant, too, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing."

"Was he happy that you were pregnant?"

"Of course. Kurt loved kids a lot. That was all he wanted: a family to raise with a wife. But, I guess that it wasn't enough."

"How was the living dynamic with Courtney involved?"

"Well, it was very complicated. I hated her. God, I still do. I hate her. And so she only allowed Kurt to see her on certain days. With Melissa, she lived with us, obviously."

"When did Kurt start doing drugs?"

"I don't know. I mean, I think he did them in 1989, but I didn't find out he was doing them until late in 1992."

"What was your reaction?"

"I was so angry. I mean, how else are you supposed to react to that? I was really upset. He had explained to me that he only did it because he had a fucked up stomach and that heroin was the only thing that made it feel better. I made him promise me that he wouldn't do it again and that we would go to doctors and find out what was wrong with him. He promised."

"And he didn't keep that promise, did he?"

"Nope."

"What was it like the first time he overdosed?"

"God, I wanted to die. I really did. I thought that he was dead and that broke me. But, when I saw him, I knew that he wasn't dead and things got better for a little, but then get got worse again. 1993 was when things got really bad."

"You guys got married that year, though. Right?"

"Yeah, we got married in Rio de Janerio. I was wearing lingerie and he was wearing pajamas. It was so rushed and such a spur-of-the-moment idea. I mean, I couldn't believe that I was getting married. But, we got married. I wanted to have a wedding ceremony, so we agreed that we would do that after his 'In Utero' tour was over."

"How did he treat you from 1993-1994?"

"He didn't treat me bad, per se. He just wasn't as good of a husband as before. He didn't call as frequently and it just seemed like he was always fucked up. You know, it still amazes me how they did Unplugged in the same year as they performed in Rio. But, Kurt and I argued a lot more. I mean, it was really intense. Kurt was never much of a yeller, but I was. I was very intense and aggressive, and it made me more angry that he didn't yell because it seemed like he just didn't give a fuck. In 1993, he was fucked. I don't remember if it was '93 or '94, but sometime then, I was on the phone with him and I found a box underneath the bed. It was a box from Courtney and it had naked pictures of her in there and letters she wrote to him and a bunch of other things. I was so upset and I had built up all of these emotions inside of me. I broke a tiny vase that was in there and cut myself with it."