It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 119

For the rest of the appointment, I talked mostly about Kurt, but we also talked about how I have been feeling (emotionally) since I have been in the relationship and before. 

Before the relationship, I didn't want to date anyone else and I thought that I was never going to. I felt pretty lonely, but I would rather be lonely than get hurt and feel like that again. I was at my lowest when Robert died and I didn't want to have to go through that again.

Being in the relationship, I felt like I was really happy and I had grown as a person. Lorelai finally had a father figure in her life and Kurt and I had our own kid together. I also had the pleasure of being Frances's stepmother. Growing up, she'll be able to have a more loving mother figure in her life (I knew damn well that Courtney wasn't going to be a loving mother).

After the appointment, I went straight home, exhausted from talking so much, although I knew that I needed it. When I arrived, I heard Kurt talking upstairs in a stern voice. I rushed upstairs and saw that the bedroom door was closed. 

"How dare you fucking say that to her!" He shouted. "Or even put your hands on her like that!"

"I know, Kurt," I recognized the voice to be Krist's. "And I want to make it up to her."

"She's at therapy right now, so you can't. You shouldn't have even done that in the first place!"

"Kurt," Dave softly said.  

"Don't even fucking-" Kurt growled out loud. "You don't understand how fucking angry this makes me. Dave, imagine Jennifer hurting herself because of something you did and your best frie-Ruby decides to make fun of her and asks to see the scars. Jennifer says no, but Ruby does it anyway and grabs her arm."

"Kurt, I get that you're frustrated, but I'm asking you to please calm down."

"I'm going to go out back," He grunted. 

I heard footsteps approaching the door, so I flew into Melissa's bedroom and hid there until Kurt went downstairs. 

I thought it was flattering that Kurt was stepping up for me like that, yet again, but he didn't need to get so angry with Krist. I think that Kurt was still upset with me cutting myself because of something that he hid from me. He probably was blaming himself for it. 

"Ruby?!" Dave asked. "What are you doing here?"

"I just got back from the therapy appointment," I hugged him. 

"Did you hear everything?"

"Not everything. Where's Krist?"

"Sitting on your guy's bed. I tried to warn him that you guys probably fucked on there, but he didn't laugh."

I lightly shoved Dave. "I'm going to go talk to Krist. Don't go talk to Kurt-leave him alone."

"Alright. I'm going to go raid your pantry now."

I walked into my bedroom and saw Krist sitting on the edge of my bed with his head in his hands. 

"You know I'm not mad at you, right?" I asked him. 

He looked up and softly smiled. "I fucking hate him sometimes."

I made my way next to him and sat down. "We all don't like him sometimes. He probably hates us sometimes, too."

"He's so fucking stubborn and it makes me want to squeeze his head off."

I started to laugh. "Krist, I am not angry at you, okay? I need you to know that. I was thinking about it and I think Kurt is more upset about it because of what I did and not necessarily what you did."

"That's because he blames himself for it, Ruby."

"I knew it. I just don't know what to do anymore, I really don't. I need him to understand that it wasn't his fault, but knowing Kurt, no matter what you say, he's not going to believe it."

"That's Kurt for you."

"I think you guys just need to have a screaming match at each other to get everything out that you've been keeping in, and then just move on."

"You're probably right," Krist towered over me as he stood up. "Thanks for the short pep talk. I'll be outside, yelling at your husband."

"Hey, you're doing my job for me," I joked. 

"Oh, and by the way, your parents took Melissa, Lorelai, and Frances out."

"Thank you," I smiled. 

I walked downstairs with him, but we parted ways as he went in the backyard and I went into the pantry where Dave was snacking on some chips. 

"That's enough," I snatched the bag from him and put it back on the shelf. "You know what we haven't done in a long time?"

"What?"

"Played our guitars together."

His whole face lit up. "You really want to?"

"Um, yes!"

"Come on!" I giggled and guided him into Kurt's music room. 

He had a room full of his guitars and his notebooks for his songs and anything music-related. There was also a section there for his paintings and all of his art. I kept my guitar next to his guitar. I grabbed it out of its case and handed it to Dave, then grabbed one of Kurt's. 

Thankfully, they were both in standard tuning. 

"What song?" I asked. 

"Your favorite?" He suggested. 

I nodded my head. "Wait, no. Do you remember 'To Live is to Die'?"

"Yeah, I do."

"I'll do the clean part and you do the other part that plays."

We both started playing and I smiled as soon as I heard both of us start. 

It had been so long since we both played the guitar together. We hadn't done it since high school. It was one of our bonding moments that we shared together and that only the two of us did. Robert didn't play the instruments-he just watched. Dave and I would plays for hours and hours on end without getting bored. 

"Should we do another one?" I asked. 

"We could do the 'Master of Puppets' one and I do the solo while you do the clean part and then we harmonize the solo," Dave said. 

"Let's do it."

As we played that, I could see Dave smiling and staring at me. I stared back at him and I could tell that we were both reminiscing these moments that we used to share together. Time had flown by so quickly, I was amazed that I even remembered how to play this. 

Once we finished, I put the guitar back. 

"I don't want Kurt getting mad at me for playing his," I took my acoustic from Dave and put it back into its case. "Don't tell him. It'll be our secret."

"God, I've missed you, Ruby," Dave hugged me for what felt like forever. 

"What do you mean?"

"You've been so distant this past year. It's like, just out of nowhere, you've been wanting to talk to me. It has been feeling like you've wanted nothing to do with me lately. It's just all about Kurt."

"Well, I also have my girls, too. And you've been busy-" I paused. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm going to work on it, okay? I'm really going to try. This year is going to be different-this is going to be my year. Things didn't start off the greatest, but we're going to be okay."

"Okay, Ruby," He nodded his head. 

We raced downstairs-to no one's surprise, he won-and saw Kurt and Krist laughing out in the backyard. 

"Having fun without us?" I poked my head out of the back door. 

"Of course not," Kurt pulled me outside and kissed the top of my head. "We could never."