It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 111

"No, I don't. I want to s-"

"No, no, you don't get to talk. I never once stood up to you because I didn't have the energy to do it, but it's my turn to fucking talk. You made me feel worse. I already had to live with the fact that my boyfriend killed himself, but on top of that, I was the one that fucking found him! I am so grateful that you watched Lorelai for the time being and that you did it and I didn't have to give anything in return, but then you blamed it on me and said it was my fault! What the fuck did I fucking do to you?!"

"Ruby, I understand your frustration and you have every right to feel that way. The reason why I did it was because I couldn't comprehend that my son had killed himself and I didn't even know why and that went on for a couple of weeks. Then, you showed up and it was as if you were a scapegoat. I know, that is horrible of me and there is nothing I can do to take that back, but if I could, I would."

I sarcastically chuckled. "Let me get this straight. You never thought that I really was the reason; you just wanted a reason and picked me to be the reason? God, you're a cunt."

Her eyes widened and she just shook her head. "Enough with this back-and-forth. I came here to apologize. Will you accept my apology?"

"Fuck no! Because not only did you leave my life, you left your granddaughter's life! The only granddaughter that you will ever have!"

She started sobbing. "I regret all of that, Ruby. I really do. I wish I could just go back in time and re-do everything. I wish that I could've been there for my husband and done something to help him-but there was nothing to do for him since it was cancer-there for my son when he needed me, there for you when you needed me and my granddaughter. But, I can't go and re-do all of that. I have done a lot of reflection on myself for the past couple of years. I now know what I did wrong and I've been going to Church, Ruby. I've asked for forgiveness from Christ. I am truly sorry for everything that I did to you and your family to damage you."

I felt horrible for her. I never thought about what ever happened to her after Robert died. Not only did she lose her husband, but she also lost her son. She had it the hardest. Now, she lived all alone and had no other family to go to. Maybe she had some friends now, but I would hate to be in her shoes. 

"I am proud of you, Ruby," She wiped her tears. "Seeing how far you've come and how you've chosen not to wallow in what happened makes me so proud of you. You have your own family and you are all happy. Robert would've wanted this for you."

I chuckled softly and hugged her while crying. 

This came out of nowhere. 

Never in a million years would I have guessed that Lucinda would come to my house and apologize for all that she had done to me. But, it felt nice to hear her say that. I just wished that she would've said it sooner. 

Hearing her say that Robert would've wanted this for me made me hurt the most of all. Not because she mentioned him, but because I knew that it was true. He would've wanted this for Lorelai-a loving man who treated her like she was his own. 

I let go of her and smiled softly at her. I wished that I could take back all the things that I had said to her before. 

"I don't think you're a bitch or a cunt," I told her. 

"Sweetie, I know you don't."

"Do you want something to eat?"

"No, I'm alright."

I stood up. "Would you like me to get Lorelai?"

"Not just yet. I would love to catch up with you first and see how you have been doing."

I informed her on everything that happened-before I met Kurt, during Kurt, and up to now. It was a lot, but I summed it up pretty well. 

"You're still with him after he cheated on you?" She looked very hurt by this, as if she was the one that got cheated on.

"It's not that simple. There was so much more to take into it than just that-Lorelai and Melissa, especially. I didn't want them to have to go back and forth between houses. Besides, Frances is such an adorable baby. It was totally worth it."

"But then we move onto his overdoses. Ruby, there is so much toxicity in this relationship."

"You're only focusing on the bad parts."

"Look at how severe the bad things are, though."

"He's getting better, Lucinda. He really is."

"Do you know that for sure?"

"Yes, I do. He hasn't done any drugs recently. He just released his new album and he's on tour right now. I've married the love of my life and I'm so happy. I bought a wedding dress, like, less than a week ago. It's so beautiful."

"Wait, aren't you already married?"

"We eloped, but we're having a ceremony with all of our family and friends. Would you like to go?"

"Wouldn't that be a little weird? Inviting your dead boyfriend's mother?"

"You're the grandmother of our daughter."

"So Lorelai's growing up with Kurt as her father?"

"Yeah."

"Are you guys ever planning on telling her about Robert?"

"When she's older, but we haven't really talked in-depth about it."

"How is Dave?"

"He's living the life, Lucinda. He's on tour with Kurt right now. It's funny how if it wasn't for him, I would've have met Kurt."

"I have not seen him in forever."

"If you were to call him right now and tell him that you were talking to me and having an actual conversation, he definitely wouldn't believe you."

"Mom, Melissa's crying," Lorelai said softly. 

"Shit," I murmured and made eye contact with Lucinda. "Talk to her and just tell her that you're a friend of mine."

I rushed upstairs, past Lorelai, and went into Melissa's bedroom to find her standing up and hanging onto the edge of the crib. She started bouncing and giggling as soon as she saw me.

I turned on the light and grabbed her, changed her diaper, then brought her downstairs. When I went into the living room, I saw Lorelai and Lucinda talking to each other and giggling. 

I never thought that this day would come.

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"Thank you so much for stopping by," I walked Lucinda out. 

"It was nice seeing you again, Ruby," She gave me a hug. "I'll keep in touch with you."

"I feel bad that we can't tell Lorelai who you really are-at least just not yet."

"It's my fault. If I was more involved in her life growing up, we wouldn't have to be here."

"Better late than never.'