It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 50

"How have I been distant?"

"You just haven't really been talking to me lately and you seem like it is such a big fucking inconvenience to even look at me. It's so hard to talk to you. I try to have a good time with you and you're just upset the whole time. It hurts, Dave. Did Kurt say something that upset you? Did I do something that upset you? Can you tell me what's going on?"

"No, Ruby, you didn't do anything."

"Then what is it?"

"It's nothing."

"Obviously it's not nothing."

"It's not nothing, Ruby, but I can't tell you! I just can't! God, you can never take 'no' for an answer, can you? You've always been like that-pushy. You've always been pushy and I've always fucking hated it. I hate it."

"Is there anything else that you'd like to get out about me right now while you're at it? Because I'm pretty sure there's more that you hate about me."

"Fine."

I couldn't believe that this was about to happen. I was about to let Dave go on a rant about every single thing that he hated about me. I would be satisfied as long as in the end, I got to do the same. And I would. 

"I hate how you just get everything handed to you. Look at you, Ruby! You have a kid and you're about to have another one! You have a boyfriend and you're happy! But look at me-I have nothing."

"You literally have me!"

"I wasn't done speaking," He mocked me. God, he knew how to test me.  "I'm jealous of you, Ruby. I hate how I have been treating you lately, too. It's been eating me up inside and I don't know how to deal with it. I hated you and Robert though-not individually, but as a couple."

"Jesus, Dave."

I was on the verge of crying, but I was containing the tears. I was strong-I didn't need to cry. 

"You guys were just so happy together. So many people were jealous of you guys-it wasn't just me. Especially how you guys stayed together after Lorelai. I just felt like a third-wheel everytime I was hanging out with you guys. I was there first, Ruby! I was there first, not him! I made you laugh when you were upset. I made you feel better, not him. 

"It should've been me, Ruby! I should've been your Robert. I should've been there for you because Ruby, I love you. God, you don't know how much I love you. I always have. And when we started talking again, I thought you were going to get with me-I thought I finally had a chance. But no, Kurt had to get in the way and win you over. So that's why I hate this. I don't hate you."

I had to take a moment to process this. Dave loved me? There was no way. We were best friends. The best of friends-nothing more. Dave Grohl was in love with me. Wait. Maybe that was the reason why things between him and Kurt were so tense. 

"Does Kurt know?" I asked him. 

"I told him the night we went out. He's a jealous person, Ruby. I'm pretty sure he wants nothing to do with me right now."

I looked up at him. "You're a dick. You hate how I get everything handed to me?! News flash: I don't! My parents didn't check up on me when I left their house! I didn't get my parents' love like I should've! I didn't get to experience the happiness I should've with Robert! He killed himself, Dave!" At this point, I was crying. I needed him to understand how he made me feel and how upset he made me. 

"I didn't mean that, Ruby."

"Then why did you fucking say it?!"

"Because I hate how I'm not your boyfriend."

I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. I tried to imagine myself in his shoes and I thought about how upset he would be. For over 10 years, he had been my best friend and for majority of that time, he was in love with me. I still couldn't believe it but maybe he just wanted to have the same love that I did with someone else, leading him to believe that he was in love with me. 

I walked towards him and hugged him. It was a little awkward because of my big-ass stomach, but I hoped it still meant something to him. And then I heard it-his crying. 

"Dave," I stepped away and forced him to look at me. "It's alright. I'm not mad at you. You need to learn how to deal with your emotions, though."

"I know," He chuckled, wiping away a tear. 

"Dave, I love you, just not like that. Nothing's going to change between us, though, I promise."

"I'm sorry, Ruby."

I hugged him again. "Don't be sorry for something you can't control. Be sorry for the actions you commit after."