It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 41

I heard Kurt's voice echoing and got more upset as I heard someone say, "Well, thank you for coming."

"Shit," I mumbled. "Give me your car keys."

"What?"

"Just give them."

She handed them to me and I ran out of the door. I unlocked my car and grabbed Lorelai's car seat and unlocked her car. There weren't that many cars in the parking lot, so I was able to hear her car unlock. As soon as I heard the clicking noise, I ran to where it was coming from. I flew the car door open and I put Lorelai's seat in and buckled it. Then, I shut it, locked it, then ran back inside. 

"Can you please just watch her?" I ran to Shelli. She was standing in the same spot as she was. 

"Um, sure. Ruby, what's going on? Kurt's about to be done-"

"No! I don't want to fucking talk to him. Bye Lorelai, I love you."

I kissed her forehead and turned away, tears flowing down my cheeks again. I was crying again. I walked out and was sweating profusely. I took off my tanktop, leaving me in my sports bra, and I noticed people staring. I got in my car and drove to the nearest bar. 

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I didn't even get any alcoholic beverage-I mean, I couldn't. The last time I drank when I was upset was in my the year after my senior year. Robert and I got into a huge argument, so I drove to my favorite bar and drank a lot. I almost got into a car accident on my way back home, and that was when I realized what I was doing. 

I looked at where I was parked and remembered all of the memories I had at that apartment. It was the apartment I had with Robert. It was a disgusting light brown and only had two windows-the kitchen and our bedroom. There was only one bedroom and it was the master bedroom. Robert and I shared with Lorelai. I didn't know who lived there now, but I hoped they had a better life than I did. 

I thought long and hard about what I wanted for my future. I wanted to a be a stay-at-home mom and be home with Lorelai and the new baby all day. 

Just then, I felt a familiar feeling that I got a lot when I was pregnant with Lorelai come back up. I caught myself before I could vomit in my car, but opened up the car door and unbuckled myself and vomited all over the road. I was coughing and I couldn't breathe. Just when I thought there wasn't anymore, there was more and I vomited again. I wiped my mouth with some extra napkins I kept in my car and threw it back somewhere. 

I drank some water and decided that it was time to go home. I drove back to our house bawling. I thought that things were going to be easier when we moved into the new house-less stressful. But, it felt like it was the opposite. 

I got home at around nine at night-Lorelai was already fast asleep. I unlocked the door and Krist opened it up. 

"WELL LOOK WHO SHOWED UP!" He practically screamed. 

"Shh, Lorelai's sleep-" I was trying to finish my sentence when all of a sudden, my world went spinning and I couldn't see straight. I tried taking a step forward, but I leaned to the right and heard a faint, "WHOA!" 

It was blurry and I couldn't see one thing-I could see everything. I was walking, though. I was leaning against something and my feet were moving. How was that possible when I couldn't see? 

"I'm right here," Someone said. 

"Hey, I've got her!"

I stopped moving and stood up, putting my hands out for someone to catch me in case I needed it. I shut my eyes for one second, then opened them back up and I could see clearly again. I could see Dave and Krist in front of me, looking at me worriedly and I could hear crying coming from upstairs. 

My mother instincts kicked in and I could tell it was Lorelai who was crying. I ran upstairs to her bedroom and saw Kurt sitting down on her bed holding her. 

"MOMMY!" She pulled out of his grasp and ran to me, hugging me. Her eyes were red like mine from all the crying. 

"It's okay," I said hoarsely. 

She giggled. "You sound silly."

I turned off her bedroom light and told Kurt to move. I laid her down and laid next to her and lifted up her shirt and tickled her back while singing a song. I was about to sing a Nirvana song, but I didn't-I wanted nothing to do with Kurt. He disgusted me. I sung "Let it Be" very softly, but before I could get to the chorus, she was already asleep. I got up, put the blanket over her, and walked out. Kurt was gone and a part of me got sad. 

It was funny how my brain worked. I was happy that I was away from him, but when he left, I got upset. I walked back downstairs and heard them all laughing. I heard crying coming from our bedroom, though-it was Kurt. I so badly didn't want to help him. He deserved to be in pain. But, I hated myself for thinking like that and went in there to check up on him. 

He was sitting on our bedroom floor, twisting an empty beer bottle in his hand. His eyes grew flames and hatred and he threw it against the wall. I gasped and jumped back and noticed that he noticed me. 

I shut the door softly and walked away. 

That was the kind of shit I didn't want.