It's Better to Burn Out than Fade Away-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 9

I stormed into Dave and Krist's room and shook Dave awake. 

"The fuck?!" Dave shouted. 

I covered his mouth and whispered, "Shush! Follow me."

He followed me into the living room and I showed him Kurt's arm. 

Dave looked at me, then back at his arm. "Are those track marks?"

I slowly nodded my head. "Those are fucking track marks."

"What the fuck?"

"I need to take a walk," I walked out of the hotel room and went downstairs. 

I walked outside and as I felt the cold breeze hit me, I gasped-it was freezing cold. My body got goosebumps all over and I felt shivers down my spine. 

What the fuck was Kurt doing? 

Even Dave was surprised-he had no idea. That shocked me. Kurt was a very good hider and he could keep secrets and that bothered me. What if he had other secrets that he was keeping? What if he was seeing someone else? 

I shook my head at the thought of that. I had just wanted Kurt and I to be happy together, and this is what I got: a fucking stab in the back. 

I was freezing cold, so I walked back to the hotel and walked inside of the room-I had been walking for thirty minutes. Everyone was awake-Lorelai was on the couch watching TV with Dave and Krist, but Kurt wasn't anywhere.

"Kurt's in the shower," Dave told me. 

"Did you talk to him?" I asked, locking the hotel door. 

"No, you're the one that found it."

"Found what?" Krist asked. 

"MOMMY!" Lorelai ran up to me and gave me a hug. 

"Hi, baby," I chuckled and hugged her. 

"You came back!"

"I always come back," I kissed the top of her head. 

I walked into our room and I went to grab my brush when I felt a pair of hands on my hips. 

"Good morning," Kurt whispered. 

"Get your filthy hands off of me," I pushed him off of me and walked into the bathroom. 

I locked it, then brushed my hair and teeth. Kurt was knocking on the door and asking what was wrong, but I was ignoring him. 

"Fine, fucking ignore me!" Kurt shouted and walked out. 

I opened up the door and went into the living room after I finished getting ready and saw Kurt standing there with only a towel covering his lower half. 

He saw me as he turned around and asked if we could talk. I nodded my head and walked back into the bedroom. He shut the door as I sat down on the bed. He sat down next to me and asked me what was wrong. 

"What do you think?" I asked him. "Do you really think that I wouldn't have found out? Do you really think that?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" His voice started to shake and he was getting nervous. 

"Listen, I won't be as mad if you just tell me that you did it. Tell me straight to my face what you did."

"I didn't do anything."

I sighed. "Kurt, I'm giving you one last chance to tell me what the fuck you did."

"I didn't do anything!"

"YOU DIDN'T SHOVE A NEEDLE INTO YOUR FUCKING ARM?! YOU DIDN'T FUCKING USE HEROIN, KURT?! I'M MAKING IT UP?!"

His facial expressions changed as soon as I heard the front door shut-it was Krist, Dave, and Lorelai leaving. I told them that if Kurt and I ever started arguing, I needed them to get Lorelai away from all the yelling. 

"How do you-"

"Don't ask me how I know, Kurt. Look at your arm. If you were really smart, you would cover them up. It's like you're asking for someone to look."

He looked at his arm and sighed. "Listen-"

"I don't want to listen to you right now!"

"You wanted to talk, so I'm talking. Listen to me, Ruby. I have really bad stomach pains, heroin is the only thing that helps."

"Hang on, hang on. How come I've never heard about your stomach problems?"

"I didn't want to tell you."

"Why not, Kurt?"

"Because I found a way to cope with them!"

"No, no, you need to get something straight: Heroin is not your coping mechanism, do you fucking understand me? That thing kills people! Are you fucking crazy?! Do you realize what you're doing?!"

"Yeah," He looked down. 

I felt like he wasn't even listening to me. It felt like he was just thinking about how he wouldn't be able to do it anymore. He didn't even apologize. 

"I'm sorry," He said. It was as if he had read my mind. 

"Are you?" I asked. 

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"Because look at how it made you feel-I made you feel like shit."

"You're damn right you did. I don't want you around Lorelai if you're going to be doing that."

Kurt glared at me. "You think I'm such an evil person for doing this, huh?"

"I don't want someone who uses heroin around my daughter!"

"It didn't bother you before! The only difference is that now you know!"

"Are you getting mad at me for not wanting her around that? Kurt, I don't want you around that, but I can't control you. I can only tell you what I think is best for you."

There was a long pause. 

He stood up and put my hands in his. "Ruby. We're in California to record our next record, correct?"

"Yes."

"We're supposed to be having a fun time."

"How can I have a fun time if my boyfriend is using heroin?"

"I don't know."

"Promise me you won't do it again."

"What?!"

"Fine, do it again. But you're not going to be with me if you do."

"Ruby, what do you mean?"

"I'm breaking up with you if you do that again."

"Ruby!"

"I do not want to break up with you; please don't make me," I started to softly cry. "I don't want to lose you, Kurt. You are one of the best things that have happened to me in so long, but here you are using heroin. I'm not going to be around that shit! Especially since you're like, the only father figure in Ruby's life-she needs you. She loves you, Kurt."

"She loves me?"

"I see the way she looks at you. She doesn't have her dad-you're the closest that she's getting."

He hugged me. "I promise I won't do it again, okay?"

"Kurt, I'm trusting you."

"You can trust me."