Can We Fall One More Time? (Sequel To Gotta Be You)

-35-

It had been over three weeks since the accident. 

Physically I was doing better, but I still had bruising around my stomach from where I had surgery. 

My hands were so incredibly sensitive still; it was so hard to do anything on my own lately. 

None of that pain mattered in comparison to losing Darren. His funeral was three days after he died, and I had to be in a wheelchair for it, because of how weak I was. The service was beautiful, but saying goodbye to him was so painful. 

Nothing had been the same since. My anxiety has become this whole new thing, and I had to spend at least thirty minutes preparing myself mentally when I had to leave the house. I've had anxiety attacks just from having to be in a moving vehicle. 

I didn't feel like me anymore. 

The press covered the whole thing, and the music community was mourning Darren. At least they had no idea about the miscarriage, otherwise I'd have to deal with that being in tabloids. 

Simon had tried to contact me several times, but I didn't answer. I knew that management wanted me back in the studio, but it felt so wrong even thinking about going back. They'd assign me a new producer, but I didn't want anyone other than Darren. 

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to step foot in the studio again.

If I had it my way, I'd never leave my bed again. I looked through my phone of pictures of me and Darren, working in the studio. I was so furious that the last thing I had from him was shitty recordings of me trying to make that song work.

Krueger had been following me around, staying near me as I struggled to move around the house. 

I still felt sore from surgery, and though I didn't need help to move anymore, it still hurt and the scars were still there. 

Liam walked into the room, carrying my guitar "You need this"

I shook my head "I can't play; my hands are still fucked up"

"Gracie, you use music as an outlet to deal with all your emotions; it's almost been a month and you don't even sing around the house anymore"

"I can't do it"

"What do you mean?"

"I can't just move on and act like music is still the same thing. Darren is dead, and it feels like my love for music died with him" I started crying "I can't do this without him"

He put the guitar down next to me "I promise you that if you play, you'll feel him with you"

I watched him walk out of the bedroom and I felt so defeated. Liam had stepped up and was doing everything he could to help me survive this, but he didn't understand what I was going through.

Not that I wanted him to know what this pain felt like.

Krueger whimpered as he put his head in my lap.

"Do you think I should try it?"

One reason I was scared to do anything musical, was because it felt like I was betraying Darren by doing so. He had been there for everything, and without him here, I didn't know if I could ever be what I once was. 

I slowly picked up the guitar and played a few chords, feeling pain in my fingers as I did so. Feeling that pain felt good though, because it reminded me that I was still alive. 

"I have to start somewhere" I whispered.

I carefully started playing the melody to the song that I last attempted to record with Darren. I didn't know what would happen when I tried t sing or if it would be emotional or numb.

All I know is that I wanted to do this song perfectly, for Darren. I closed my eyes, continuing to play, despite the pain and I focused on Darren, trying to feel him with me. 

(Play video)

Found a new best, keeping me so young
Pulled you like a trigger and shot you like a gun
Since you've been gone, it's killing me son
I think about you everyday

How do I move on, it's ringing like an alarm
Fool out on the run, a girl inside a song
Every step I take leads me back to you
And I've been walking right on through

My voice started shaking as I thought of Darren when singing the chorus. 

This is heartache
Though it's hard to take
Can we do this face to face?
This is heartache
But it's not giving up
If you're still in love with me
Just walk, just walk on into grace

Love is unkind
Love is so cruel
Sending back the letters that I've sent to you
My velvet red heart's all black and blue

You used to be my medicine
And baby can't you see you're breaking me down?
You had me in a minute but where are you now?
A long gone girl is crying in the wind
And I don't know the state you're in

This is heartache
Though it's hard to take
Can we do this face to face?
This is heartache
But it's not giving up
If you're still in love with me
Just walk, just walk on into grace

This is heartache
Though it's hard to take
Can we do this face to face?
This is heartache
But I'm not giving up
If you're still in love with me
Just walk, just walk on into grace  

My hands shook as I stooped playing. Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't face it anymore.

"I've missed your voice" Liam said, walking up to me.

I shook my head, sobbing "It hurts so much!"

He pulled me into his arms, while I cried against his chest. How could I have ever thought that I had experienced true unbearable pain? This pain left me feeling like I couldn't breathe without feeling it somehow.

He rubbed my back "You're going to find a way to get through this; I know it won't be easy, but at some point you're going to wake up and that day will suddenly feel easier than the last"

My breathing was fast and I started hyperventilating "I don't know how to do this"

"You're not supposed to"

"I just want the pain to stop!" 

He rocked me back and forth, doing it until I calmed down again. 

I looked up at him "Do you remember how when I'd get those awful anxiety attacks, you'd sing to me and it would make me feel safe?"

He nodded.

"Please do that for me"

I laid down and he pressed his chest to my back, holding me tightly while he started singing Wonderwall to me.

I closed my eyes, wanting to just fall asleep so that I didn't have to feel this anymore.