January 24, 2015
The camera's lights were flashing all in my face. It was blinding me, but at the same time it was distracting me from what was about to happen inside of the theater and what I was about to watch.
"Isn't it fucked up that you brought your husband to your dead husband's documentary made about him?" Ethan asked me, raising his voice so that I could hear him.
"Hmm...let me think about it. No."
"You don't seem too happy."
Then, I saw Lorelai, Melissa, and Frances, and I ran to them, hugging them as tight as I could.
I never saw Lorelai or Melissa anymore. Them moving out had been really hard on me because I had spent my whole life with them living with me, and now they were just gone. I wondered if they felt the same way or if they were happy that they had moved out. At least I had Jackson and Ethan. It was nice when there were other girls around, though.
That was probably how Ethan felt before Jackson was born-surrounded by all those girls.
"Are you guys okay?" I asked them.
They all nodded their heads.
"How have you been?" I hugged them all again.
"Good," They all said in unison.
"I have a feeling I'm not going to want to dissect this movie," Melissa told Frances and they both chuckled about it.
I felt bad for her. Did they even want to be here or did they feel obligated to being here? I didn't want to watch the movie, but at the same time I really did. I wanted to see what Brett made and how he depicted Kurt's life to be. It was probably going to be way off than what it actually was.
"Let's go," I told them all and we walked back next to Ethan.
I wasn't ready to watch this with him. Brett was going to be using home videos that Kurt and I had recorded of each other and I was not ready for that. I had warned him about it, but he didn't care.
If I was in his shoes, I definitely would not have wanted to watch him in love with someone else. Even if she was dead, it would've still hurt me too much.
Ethan wrapped an arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. Brett walked over to us and I gave him a hug.
"Thank you for coming," He grinned.
"You're welcome," I looked at my girls and they weren't smiling. They were just staring at everyone in front of them.
It felt like none of us wanted to be here. It wasn't that we weren't excited to see the movie, but we knew that it was going to make us really emotional.
I wasn't ready for that.
----------------------------------------------------
I sat with Ethan on the left side of me and Melissa on the right side. I wanted Melissa to be next to me in case she got upset or had any questions about anything. She was going to learn a lot about her dead father and I wanted to be there for her.
The movie started out with an animation of Kurt in his youth. There was also a recording of himself talking about his childhood. I had no idea that he went through all of that. He had told me a couple things about his childhood, but he never really talked about it. He didn't like to talk about it.
Wendy talked as if she knew about Kurt and was there for him, but she fucking wasn't. She was such a liar and it bothered me. She was upset when Kurt's father dropped Kurt off at her house. She was angry. She didn't want him.
After talking about his childhood, the movie started going into how Nirvana formed and it even brushed over one of Kurt's ex-girlfriends Tracy Marander. She talked a little about him and what e was like when they were together.
Throughout the movie, it showed parts of Kurt's journals and drawings that he made. It bothered me that his private property was being shown to the world. Anyone could buy a copy of his journal online. Somewhere where he talked about his private things and his feelings was now revealed to everyone in the world.
It disgusted me.
I didn't really want to listen to Tracy talking about Kurt, so I tuned it out and thought about other things. One of the things that I noticed was that Ethan seemed really invested in the movie and like he wanted to watch it.
It really interested me because, again, if I was him, I would've just been jealous throughout the whole movie. But, Ethan also had a whole different level of appreciation for films than me. He was the person that acted in movies, so he was always more invested than non-actors. He saw the artistic sides of movies while everyone else saw movies for what they were.
I looked back at the screen and saw my name flash up on it.
Ruby Hawke
Kurt Cobain's wife.
I'm not his fucking wife, I thought.
Brett had me come by again and interview me for a second time because he needed to ask me more questions. It was a couple of days after we met for the first time. He asked about a little more person things pertaining Kurt and how he interacted with everyone else.
"I didn't feel any romantic connection with Kurt until Halloween of that year," It showed me up on the screen talking from multiple angles. "And we moved things pretty quickly. We didn't take things slow, which could've been a factor in why our relationship was so unhealthy."
It showed multiple pictures of Kurt and I as I talked. The first one was Kurt and I just looking at each other. He was smiling, but I was laughing. The second one was of Kurt and I kissing Lorelai's cheeks-one of us each on one side of her. The third one was of us three posing in the snow making silly faces.
"Kurt loved Lorelai," I continued and the screen went back to my face. "I mean, God, I remember being shocked by just how much he loved her and how he treated her so well."
Multiple pictures flashed onto the screen of Kurt, Lorelai, and I. Most of them were just Kurt and Lorelai.
"Everyone loved Lorelai," I chuckled. "Dave and Krist loved Lorelai, too."
He didn't put in the part where I said that Wendy didn't treat Lorelai very well. It was probably for the best, though.
"He treated me very well," The screen went back to the interview of me. "He always checked up on me and made sure that I was alright. When I was sick, he used to make me food and take care of Lorelai for me. When he was gone on tour, he would call me as much as he could."
It switched to a video of Kurt talking on the phone.
"Well, tell Lorelai I say 'hi', alright?" He grinned. "Alright. I love you. Bye."
"Someone's in love," The person recording said. I recognized the voice as Dave's.
"Shut the fuck up," Kurt hit the camera and the video ended.
It switched to another video of Kurt and I sitting on top of my car in my apartment complex. Kurt was smoking, but I was just staring at him.
"You know," Dave came into the frame. "You guys could be the next Sid and Nancy."
"Ruby and Kurt," I said, chuckling at how stupid it sounded. "Fuck no. That's only for toxic people. You do realize that only toxic couples get idolized? I mean, like you said, Sid and Nancy. And then there's John Lennon and Yoko Ono. They were all toxic couples, but they're the only couples you talk about. I mean, name one happy couple that people idolize."
Dave pointed to us and I looked at Kurt, smiling, but he just shook his head.
"No, we're not happy," He looked at me with a disgusted look on her face. "As long as I'm with her, I could never be happy."
I started to fake cry. "That's the most kindest thing anyone has ever said to me."
"Stop crying, bitch," Kurt spat.
"Alright, that's enough, Lorelai's right there," I snapped out of it.
The screen showed a picture of me pregnant, lifting my shirt up and Kurt kissing my stomach.
There was a voiceover of me talking over the picture. "He had just gotten back from his 'Nevermind' tour and I told him that I was pregnant and he was not happy at all. That made me really upset. Like, why the fuck was he mad at me? He told me shortly after that Courtney was pregnant, too, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing."
It switched to a video of me crying on our bed in our house. Kurt walked into the camera frame and sat next to me and wrapped an arm around me.
"Don't fucking touch me," I snapped at him, ripping his arm off of me.
He looked hurt. "You know that I'm not happy either."
"Oh really? I thought you were so happy, Kurt. I mean, you finally got what you wanted. You got to have sex with me and another girl and out of that, you have two kids now!"
He just shook his head and he started crying, too. "I know I fucked up. I know I did, but you don't have to keep reminding me."
"I'm never going to forget this, Kurt!" I cried harder. "That fucking ruined me! What are we going to do? Are we going to raise both girls together? Is Courtney going to live with us in our house?"
"No!" He snapped, raising his voice at me. That was one of the only times he ever yelled at me. "I'm sorry, okay?! But this is so fucked up!"
"We can't even be happy," I put my head in my hands and cried.
Kurt got up and kicked the foot of the bed out of anger. "Ruby, do you hate me?"
I looked up at him and immediately stopped crying. "What would you do if I said 'yes'?"
"I don't know."
"No, I don't hate you."
"It really feels like it."
"Can you blame me? You fucking cheated on me, you dickhead! You're a fucking cunt!"
He was taken aback by this. "Do you want to hit me, Ruby? Come on, hit me."
I rolled my eyes. "You're so fucking annoying. Leave me alone. Get out, Kurt."
Looking back at this, he was probably high during it. But, there was no way to tell.
"I want you to hit me, Ruby. Come on. Please, please?"
I just cried harder. "You're fucking disgusting." Then I looked straight at the camera. "Are you recording this?!"
He looked at the camera, too. "I guess so."
He walked over to it and the video ended.
It flashed back to me in the interview. "When Frances was born, I feel like that was when Kurt realized that he needed to get his shit together. When Melissa was born, things were easier. We were all happier. 1992 was the last year that we were all happy together."
It flashed to a video of me breastfeeding Melissa.
"You know, that could count as pornography?" I raised my eyebrow.
"No it doesn't," Kurt said. He was the one recording.
"How do you know?"
I pulled Melissa away from my breast and pulled my shirt down, then burped her.
"She's so tiny," Kurt rubbed her back.
Then, Frances started crying in the background.
"Looks like your other daughter's awake," I smiled.
"I will be right back," Kurt set the camera down on the table and was back within seconds. He was holding Frances and he sat down next to me on the couch. He kissed me and then fed Frances her bottle.
The video cut to me laying down in bed with only underwear a bra on with Melissa on my stomach. Kurt had propped up the camera against our dresser in the corner of the room so that you could see us. He crawled onto the bed and kissed Melissa on the top of her head.
"I think that things are finally working out for us," I smiled at Kurt. "I really feel it."
There were multiple snippets of Kurt talking about drugs in his journals and while that was showing, there was a voiceover of me talking about him and drugs. "He had explained to me that he only did it because he had a fucked up stomach and that heroin was the only thing that made it feel better. I made him promise me that he wouldn't do it again and that we would go to doctors and find out what was wrong with him. He promised."
It went into depth about his drug abuse, but I tuned it out again. I thought back to the argument that was shown and it made me disgusted. The whole world was going to be able to see Kurt and I getting into an argument. How fucked up was that?
It went back to a video of Kurt and I in a hotel room. We were sitting down on a bed. He had brown hair, so it was probably during the time in Rio de Janerio.
"Who just got married yesterday?" Dave asked, recording us.
"We did!" Kurt exclaimed in a high-pitched voice and grabbed my hand, showing my wedding ring and then his. "Are you proud, Mom?"
"No, your mother probably hates you now," I looked at him.
"Sorry, Mommy," Kurt made a pouty face at the camera and then kissed me. "You're my wife."
"And you're my husband."
"That's not what you called each other last night!" Krist called from the other room.
"OH MY GOD!" I buried my face in the blanket, embarrassed by Krist's remark, but Kurt just laughed while staring at me.
It switched to a video of Kurt and I sitting down in the music room at our house with guitars in our laps.
"Well, what song do you want to learn?" Kurt asked me.
"I don't know, I don't really like Nirvana."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Ruby, for the last goddamn time, I'm not asking for just a Nirvana song for me to teach you. I'm talking about a random song."
"I like your song 'Dumb'. Teach me that one."
He taught me the first couple of chords, but before he could teach me anymore, there was a knock on the door. I gasped and threw the guitar down and ran out of the room. Kurt looked genuinely sad.
"What's wrong, bud?" Dave asked.
"We never get alone time," Kurt sighed. "But that's alright. We'll get it when we're older and all the kids have moved out."
"Or if you guys kill them."
"They'll kill us."
"Look, Kurt!" I yelled from downstairs. "They're back!"
Kurt smiled and walked downstairs, Dave following him with the camera and recording him.
"Why hello!" Kurt jumped off of the stairs and gave Lorelai a hug, then Melissa a kiss on her head.
The video ended.
It went back to my interview. "In 1993, he was fucked. I don't remember if it was '93 or '94, but sometime then, I was on the phone with him and I found a box underneath the bed. It was a box from Courtney and it had naked pictures of her in there and letters she wrote to him and a bunch of other things. I was so upset and I had built up all of these emotions inside of me. I broke a tiny vase that was in there and cut myself with it."
It showed pictures of Kurt and I throughout 1993 and 1994.
"Kurt and I were feeding into each other's negativity and we didn't even realize it. Before I met him, I would've never even thought about cutting myself, but I wanted to feel something. Because I didn't feel anything. I don't think he did either. I was so scared of losing him that I just kept going further and further into the toxicity. I knew what was going on, but I didn't want to admit it."
The movie stopped focusing on Kurt and I and focused more on his career and what the last couple of months looked like for Nirvana.
I felt myself about to cry, so I got up and walked out of the theater and into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror in shame and just shook my head.
I didn't know why I thought that I could do this without crying. I was a fucking mess. I was a forty-four-year-old woman who was crying in the bathroom over her dead husband.
It was a lot to go back through and watch all of those memories that we had together. They were wonderful memories that we had created and honestly, I missed them. I missed the way that I had felt around Kurt before everything went bad. Things went bad really quickly, so I think that was why I missed it so much was because it felt like bad memories outweighed the good memories.
"Mom?" I heard Lorelai's voice.
I wiped away my tears and acted as if I was washing my hands. "Yeah?"
She sighed and gave me a hug. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I let go of her. "It's just a lot, you know?"
"I thought it was disrespectful that they put the video of you and Kurt arguing in there."
"Right?! I was so disgusted. I honestly had forgotten about that argument."
"You and Kurt really had a lot of chemistry with each other. I can see why you loved him."
I stared at her. I felt like this was wrong for us to talk about, considering that I was married, but at the same time, I wanted to talk about it.
"It's weird," I said. "I mean, I feel like I remember all of those feelings very vividly, you know? It's so weird. I hope it's almost over, though."
"Melissa and Frances are kind of enjoying it. It's like they're learning a different part about their father."
"You know, I could make a little mini-movie for you about your father if you wanted."
Lorelai smiled. "That would be nice. You know, I never realized how toxic you and Kurt were for each other."
"I didn't realize that either until we were in too deep."
We walked back into the theater and there were multiple news articles flashing all over the screen about Kurt being dead.
"Kurt Cobain was found dead in his house," A news reporter said.
It showed videos of the crime scene and people crying.
I remembered that day too well.
Wendy explained how she felt about his death, then Krist, and even Kurt's ex-girlfriend. But, then he showed a video of me talking and I was crying.
"I was going to the grocery store, so I told him, 'Bye. I love you. I'll be back.' He said, 'I love you too. I'll see you soon.'" I took a deep breath in, then out. "That was the last day I saw him. And it wasn't a good time. I didn't even see it coming. He left his daughters and I tapes and he gave us little messages on them. At least he said bye. But what's horrible is he didn't give us the fucking chance to say bye. I just wanted to say goodbye."
It was the last part of the movie and I knew it: it was the part where Kurt died.
There were multiple voiceovers of different people talking about Nirvana, including Kurt. But, then it played one of the most iconic moments of their MTV Unplugged (the ending of "Where did you Sleep Last Night").
When I saw him sing that live, I had goosebumps covering my entire body. It really was something else and it was almost magical in a way. I didn't expect him to be that good that night. I wasn't a big fan of his music, but there was just something else about that night that made it special.
The movie had ended.
Everyone stood up and clapped, including me.
Melissa, Frances, and Lorelai were all crying.
I hugged them all, trying to make them feel better but I knew that nothing would.
What was done was done.