May 18, 1996
"It went well," I told Ethan over the phone. "She wasn't upset, but then she came into my room crying last night, so I helped her."
"Really? I thought she would've been upset or something."
"She doesn't even really remember them. She's obviously upset though that she'll never get to meet her father, so, I feel really bad for her on that."
"Did Dave really do anything?"
I chuckled. "No, he didn't. It was actually kind of pointless for him to be there, but he was there. Lorelai only showed, like, her sadness when after she said that she felt sorry for me."
"I do, too."
"I don't you think you understand how relieved I am that she doesn't hate me or anything."
"I don't understand why she would hate you."
"Now that I think about it, I don't either."
"What are you going to do today?"
"She has a therapy appointment that Melissa and I will take her to and then afterwards, I'll take her out to lunch, and we're just going to talk. She told me she just wants to talk about them."
"That sounds good."
"We should all do something tomorrow, though. You, me, and Lorelai."
"Oh yeah? What would you want to do?"
"We could go to dinner and laser tag."
"Sounds like a plan."
I smiled. "I'm going to go check on Lorelai and make sure she's ready to go."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"Goodbye, Ethan."
"Goodbye, Ruby."
As I set the phone down, I thought for a long time about how I loved how he said my name. I loved that he actually wanted to talk to me.
What I didn't love was how we weren't really...connecting. It's not that I didn't feel anything for him, because I did. I really did and I knew that he felt something for me, too. The only problem was that I didn't really feel a spark and I was scared that he felt the same way and would break up with me.
I thought about maybe if I was preventing myself from letting myself have that connection with him out of fear. Fear that he would abandon me, like everyone else had. Fear that if I allowed myself to have that connection with him, he would use it to his advantage.
"Mom, I'm ready," Lorelai said.
"Alright," I smiled. "Let's all get our shoes on."
I put mine and Melissa's shoes on. Then we went into the garage, got into the car, and I drove to the therapist's office.
I could tell that Lorelai wasn't fond of the fact that she had to speak to a therapist about this. She had told me multiple times that if she ever spoke to a therapist, she would feel like she was crazy or not mentally stable.
"Lorelai, you're not insane," I reminded her.
"I never said I was."
"Well, you don't look too happy about going to talk to this therapist."
"I mean, I'm not too happy in general. I'm really, really sad. But, I've gotta admit, I do feel a little crazy."
"People talk to therapists when they're overwhelmed, too. You don't have any mental disorders; you have nothing to worry about."
"You said that Kurt has another daughter, right?"
"Yeah."
"How?"
"Well, when a woman and a man really love each other-"
Lorelai groaned and covered her ears. "You already gave me this talk. I mean, how long were you guys dating for?"
"We dated from 1990 to 1992 and then he proposed to me in 1992 and we got married in 1993."
"What's his other daughter's name?"
"Frances Bean Cobain."
"Who's her mother?"
"Courtney Love."
"How old is she?"
"She's four."
"Wait. She's Melissa's age?"
"Yeah."
"Mom, that means-"
I met her eyes in the mirror. "I know."
"He cheated on you?"
"Yeah, but we moved past it."
"I automatically don't like him."
"That's how I should've reacted. Don't let any man treat you below what you're worth."
"I want to meet Frances. We should keep her. I mean, that's Melissa's sister."
"Her mother is a crazy woman. I could talk to Kurt's mother and see if she can try to orchestrate something for us to meet her."
"Do you think she remembers you?"
"Not in the slightest. Her mother hates me-she's jealous of me because I was able to get with Kurt and she wasn't-so she probably removed every memory that Frances had of me."
"That's not very nice to say."
I parked the car. "We're here!"
Melissa and Lorelai both unbuckled themselves and climbed out of the car. I grabbed Melissa's hand and we walked inside of the building. I signed a couple of documents and then was told that the therapist would be out shortly.
"Are you going to be in there with me?" Lorelai asked.
"Probably only for the beginning. Well, so, the first appointments are always just to get to know each other-" But then I realized that the therapist was going to ask Lorelai if she knew why she was there and she probably would start going on a ramble. "I'll be in there with you."
"Melissa too?"
"Yeah."
"She'll distract me."
"She has dolls, Lorelai."
"For Lorelai Stockins," A woman announced.
"Let's go," I smiled at Lorelai.
We followed the woman to her office and Melissa talked the whole walk there about absolutely nothing.
As soon as we walked inside, I knelt down to Melissa' eye-level.
"Melissa," I told her. "You have to be quiet, okay? If you want to play dolls that's alright, but you have to do it quietly."
"Okay," She put a finger over her mouth and shushed me.
I rolled my eyes and sat down on the couch next to Lorelai. Melissa sat down next to me.
The therapist introduced herself as Brittany. She asked Lorelai all the simple things about herself-age, birthday, etc. They got to know each other a little as well, too.
"So, do you know why you're here?" Brittany asked Lorelai.
Lorelai looked up at me with her eyes, signifying that she wanted me to answer for her.
"Her father," Before I continued, I plugged Melissa's ears. "Killed himself." I let go of her ears. "And I just told the news to Lorelai yesterday. He did it when she was very little, so she doesn't really remember anything. Then, I ended up getting with Kurt Cobain and marrying him and we raised Lorelai as if Kurt was his, but then he killed himself, too."
"I'm so sorry for your loss," Brittany shook her head. "I remember the day that I found out that Kurt Cobain had died. I was actually at the memorial. I heard you speaking."
"That was a long time ago," I awkwardly chuckled, steering the conversation away from me. "Anyway, I decided to bring Lorelai here so that she would know how to handle it in a healthy manner."
"That's wonderful."
Brittany and Lorelai talked a little with each other about how Lorelai felt and if she was upset at all. After that, the session was over, so I took the girls out to eat lunch at McDonald's and brought them back home.
Melissa played dolls in the living room and Lorelai sat down at the kitchen table.
"I want to hear the tape," Lorelai said.
I nodded my head. "I'll go grab it."
I didn't keep it in the room with all of Kurt's things. I kept it underneath my bed in a box. I grabbed the whole box and set it down on the kitchen table. I grabbed the one labeled, "Lorelai's Tape" and I grabbed it out, put it in the player, but I didn't press play yet.
"You do realize that if you want to stop listening to this, you don't have to listen anymore," I told her.
"I know. I want to know what he had to say to me."
I pressed play.
As soon as I heard his voice, my stomach dropped. I completely forgot what his voice had sounded like. I didn't want to hear his voice. Ever since we moved into this house, I didn't watch any videos of him, listen to anything of him talking, listen to Nirvana, nothing. I didn't want anything to do with him.
After it was done, Lorelai just stared at me with wide eyes, and then she started to cry.
"Lorelai," I said softly, rushing over to her and hugged her as she cried onto my chest.
"He really did love me," She cried harder. "I thought that he was just never really around or something, but he really did know me."
"Lorelai, I have videos of him just playing with you and talking with you."
"Can I see them?"
I inhaled deeply. "Lorelai, I don't know."
"Please?"
I put the tape back in the box with the player and walked into my bedroom, putting it back underneath my bed. I then grabbed the camera that was also underneath my bed.
I turned it on and went through the videos. I sat down next to Lorelai and pressed play on one of the videos.
Lorelai was sitting down in my lap with Kurt sitting next to me. Kurt whispered something in her ear and Lorelai giggled, then acted like she was attacking me. I fake-screamed and fell down to the ground.
"Get her!" Kurt shouted and tickled me while Lorelai did, too.
The video ended and I was glad it did.
It was still really hard to watch those videos of us.
"He was a handsome man," Lorelai said. "He looked like he really loved you."
"Yeah, he did."
"I want to see another one."
I turned the camera away from her, not wanting her to see the explicit videos. Then, I saw one of me in the bath with Lorelai. Kurt must've been holding the camera.
"I found another one, but my breasts are showing in it," I told her.
"Mom, I don't care. We all have boobs."
I smiled and pressed play.
"Look at the girls," Kurt said in a high-pitched voice.
Lorelai squealed and started splashing.
"Hey, hey, hey," I grabbed her hand.
"You're no fun," She blew a raspberry at me and I gasped, looking at Kurt with my eyes wide.
He set down the camera and walked over into view next to us.
"Did you know that your mother is a very pretty lady?" Kurt asked Lorelai.
I shook my head. "Don't say that, Kurt."
"Very pretty lady!" Lorelai sung. "Very pretty lady! Very pretty lady!"
"Kurt, I think I'm done," I said.
"You just got in," He complained.
"No I didn't."
"Just a little longer?"
"Kurt Donald Cobain. Get me a towel please."
He groaned and opened up a towel. I stood up, my stomach as big as ever.
"Holy moly!" Lorelai exclaimed, not in the video. "Your stomach was huge!"
"I know," I chuckled and watched the video still.
Kurt wrapped the towel around my body for me and then hugged me.
He kneeled down on his knees in front of my body and put his hands on my stomach.
"Hey, little munchkin," He said in a high-pitched voice. "You want to come out, don't ya?"
"Is it a girl or boy?" Lorelai asked.
"Both," Kurt smiled at her.
"WHAT?!" She practically screamed.
I covered my ears. "You guys are too loud."
I walked out of the camera and Kurt grabbed the camera and filmed me walking away, zooming it in on my ass.
The video ended.
"You guys seemed happy together," Lorelai told me.
"We were."
"What was Robert like?"
"Robert was a lot like you. He was very intelligent and he knew the answer to everything, always, and it bothered me so much because he would never allow me to be right. When I told him that I was pregnant with you, he was terrified, but he was also happy. And I was happy, too. When you were born, he was all about you. He would brag about you to his family and say that you were the best thing ever created. He loved playing with you and he always made you laugh. God, he could just look at you and you would laugh."
She chuckled. "I wish that I could've met him."
"I wish you could've, too."
"Did Dave and Robert like each other?"
"Dave didn't like Robert. Well, no. It's not that they didn't like each other, it's just that they weren't really friends. After you were born, Dave told me that Robert was starting to grow on him. Robert was an incredible father. Even when I was pregnant, he was a good father to you. He always talked to you. But, he also took very good care of me and was very patient with me somehow."
"Did he leave a note?"
"No."
"How did you find out he died?"
"I found him."
She gasped. "How did he die? Like, did he shoot himself or did he-"
"Lorelai," I hushed her. "We are not going to talk about that. I will tell you when you're older, but that's too much right now."
"You dated the biggest celebrity in the world, Mom!"
"We're back to Kurt."
"That's crazy! And you had a kid with him!"
"Yes I did."
"Now that I think about it, Melissa looks a lot like him. But she also looks a lot like you."
"It's a perfect mix."
"Why did my dad kill himself?"
"He never explicitly said why, but I think it was because of his dad dying. His dad died of cancer."
"Oh. What about Kurt?"
"Kurt killed himself because he was depressed. He did a lot of drugs and he didn't take care of himself. He had a very hard childhood and he never really properly handed that. He felt like he was worthless and a waste of space. His best friend and Dave would tell him all the time how he changed me and I wasn't the same anymore and he made me crazy."
"Were you?"
"I was so different, Lorelai, and I didn't even realize it until a couple months ago. I mean, I was insane probably. Your grandparents-my parents-had to take you guys away so often from me because they felt like Kurt and I weren't allowed to have you because of how horrible we were. The first time you got taken away, it was because I found something of Kurt's that really hurt me and I ended up hurting myself."
"You mean cutting?" She asked.
"Yeah, I mean that."
"Mom, you did that?"
"Yes, but I don't do it anymore and please don't do it, okay? If you ever have any thoughts like that, you need to talk to me about it. I won't get mad at you."
"Okay. Mom. Go on, though."
"Anyway, your grandparents took you guys away from me after they found out I did that. They took you and Melissa away again towards the end of Kurt's life. I mean, I was a completely different person. I wasn't really taking care of you guys and I was just miserable and I wasn't happy. I treated everyone horribly. Kurt went missing and I lost it. Then, he showed up at the house and everyone was just angry at each other. I made up with Kurt and it was almost like we teamed up against everyone else. We kicked Dave and Krist out of our house and just sat in our beds eating food and watching stuff and talking."
"Did you find him?"
"Dave and I both found him."
"Dear Lord, Mom. You have a type."
"That's what I say," I chuckled. "But, yeah, so that's the dealio."
"I'm sorry, Mom."
"It's okay. I don't want you to think they're horrible people, though."
"They are if they're willing to do that knowing damn well that they had kids (sorry for saying damn)."
"You're right."
"Does Ethan know about them?"
"Yeah, I told him."
"Do you think that you guys are going to stay together forever?"
"I hope so. I really do."