February 28, 1994
I had been missing Kurt a lot today. There were some days where I really missed him, and other days where I hardly noticed him gone.
Thom offered to take me and the girls out to do something. Normally, it would've been weird, considering I was married, but I would never ever EVER do anything with him. There was no way in hell.
We took Melissa and Lorelai to the park for a little, but the trip was cut short because Melissa had thrown up.
That worried me, so I rushed her home and took her temperature-98.7. I put her down for a nap and then walked back downstairs with Lorelai and Thom.
"We should play Go Fish," I said.
"Yes!" Lorelai squealed.
"Go get the cards from the closet," I lightly tapped her back. "Thom, do you want kids?"
"Probably not," He replied.
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I don't really want kids; I never had."
Lorelai came running back with a deck of her Go-Fish cards. I took them out of the box and shuffled them, then handed out everyone five cards.
The first time I taught Lorelai how to play Go Fish, she caught on very quickly. She got that from her father. They both had the ability to adapt to new things quickly, but also learn things at a very rapid pace. Lorelai was so smart.
As I looked at her, I felt pity for her. I would never have any idea what she would be going through when she was older, but that was alright. I was worried that she was going to be mad at Kurt or I for not telling her.
"Your turn, Mommy!" She barked at me.
"Jesus," I chuckled.
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Shelli and Jennifer decided to randomly stop by. It had seemed like recently whenever one was over, so was the other. They were really close to each other. They didn't include me in a lot of things that they did together. I wondered if they felt like I didn't want to, or they just didn't want to be near me.
"What's he doing here?" Shelli asked skeptically, seeing Thom in the kitchen getting dinner ready.
"We're hanging out," I told her.
"Just you and him?"
"Yes, just me and him." I knew what she was getting at. I wasn't about to have it. "We're not fucking, Shelli. God, I'm not Kurt."
I walked into the kitchen, slightly laughing at my joke when deep down, I was hurt that she would ever think that I would do that.
I grabbed Lorelai's plate and put it in front of her.
"Grilled cheese with a side of tomato soup-just how you like it," I kissed the top of her head. "Say 'thank you'."
"Thank you!" She yelled for Thom to hear.
"You're welcome," He replied.
I ran upstairs to check on Melissa in her bedroom. She was still sleeping-she had been asleep for three hours.
I was starting to get worried that she was very sick.
I placed the back of my hand on her forehead, and I sighed in relief as I realized she was perfectly fine. Not too hot and not too cold.
I shut the door softly and went back downstairs.
"Sorry, I'll make you guys some grilled cheeses, too," I told Shelli and Jennifer.
"We ate before we came," Jennifer told me. "It's alright."
"What'd you guys eat?"
"Tamales."
"You know, I don't really like Mexican food."
"You're insane!" Shelli lightly shoved me. "Krist makes the best enchiladas."
"No he doesn't," I stuck my tongue out at her. "He doesn't know how to make anything. What are you even talking about?"
After Thom, Lorelai, and I finished eating, I cleaned up our mess and we all went into the living room to talk amongst each other.
Lorelai grabbed her Barbie dolls and played with them on the coffee table.
"Is that Melissa?" Shelli asked.
I stuck my neck to the side closer to the stairs to see if I could hear crying.
I could.
I ran into her bedroom and opened the door to find her standing on her feet and gripping the edge of the crib. As soon as she saw me, she stopped crying, giggled, and started jumping.
"Sweetie, don't jump," I softly said and took her into my arms and cradled her. "Are you sick?"
She made a noise.
I brought her back downstairs and explained to Shelli and Jennifer what happened at the park.
"Is she okay?" Jennifer asked.
"Yeah, she seems to be doing better," I put her down on the ground, but she just started crying, so I picked her back up. "She just wants her momma."
"She was crying really hard after she threw up," Lorelai felt the need to say.
"Yes she did," I lightly chuckled.
"I don't ever throw up, though, because I don't get sick."
"You're lucky," Shelli said.
"Shelli, are you and Krist going to ever have kids?" I asked her.
"Probably not when he's gone this much. I don't think I would be able to do it on my own. Not only that, but Krist is way too immature to have kids."
"I can tell that Dave wants kids-not now but in the future," Jennifer added. "The way he interacts with Lorelai, you can tell that he does."
"He has an attachment to Lorelai because of Robert," I told her. "Dave and Robert didn't always get along the best, but they were still friends. Once we had her, Dave was very involved with her life and that was when he started to come around more-was when he saw how Robert interacted with Lorelai. He was a good dad."
"Dave talks about Robert occasionally," Jennifer said.
"Who's Robert?" Thom asked.
"Lorelai's dad-the one that killed himself," I whispered to him.
"He misses him," Jennifer continued. "But he feels like he has no room to talk because of you."
"Me?" I asked. "What did I do?"
"No, no, because it affected you more."
I shook my head. I never would've wanted Dave to feel that way. Dave had every much of a right to be upset as I did.
I was going to talk to him about how he felt about Robert when he got back from the tour.
"Is she doing okay?" Thom asked about Melissa.
I looked down at her and she was sound asleep. "Yeah, she's not running a fever or anything."
"I felt bad as she was throwing up. I hate throwing up so much."
"I can't imagine that anyone would love it."
"No, I mean it's super scary for me-not being able to breath as something is coming out of you when it's not supposed to."
"When you put it that way, it sounds like you're being tortured."
"It definitely feels like it."
"Oh my god, I listened to your whole record that 'Creep' was on and I really liked it."
"You did?" He smiled.
"Yeah. I mean, I put it on as background noise, so I didn't really listen listen to it, but I liked it for the most part."
"That makes me happy."
"I also listened to Kurt's new record and I still don't really like his music. There was one song on there called 'Dumb' that I liked, but that's all."
"You have to listen listen to it, Ruby."
I looked over at Shelli, completely forgetting that her and Jennifer were there, but then I saw that they were making a face at each other.
"What's up?" I asked her.
"Nothing, I need to go to the bathroom," She stood up and walked upstairs.
I knew that she wasn't going to, but before I could follow her, Melissa started to gag.
"Oh no," I stood up and rushed her over into the sink in the kitchen, leaning her over it.
She spat up a little into the sink, but then threw up a little bit.
She bawled after, so I grabbed her pacifier and gave it to her. She stopped crying, but then I heard Shelli call my name from upstairs.
"I'll take her," Jennifer offered.
I handed her off to Jennifer. "I'll be right back."
I went upstairs into my bedroom and saw Shelli holding my phone to her ear.
"No you FUCKING DIDN'T!" I screamed at her.
"Here she is," She handed the phone to me.
I yanked it out of her grasp. "Hello?"
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Kurt screamed.
I flinched. "What did she fucking tell you?"
I looked out of the door and couldn't see Shelli anymore. I wanted her to get the fuck out of my house. Whatever she told him was not a good thing.
Kurt was still not 100 percent okay, so I knew that this wouldn't help him in any way.
"You have had Thom over everyday?" His voice quivered.
"No, I don't. He's come over the past couple of days because he knows that I miss you."
"Oh, so he's substituting me?"
I sighed. The thing with Kurt was that he took things too literally, but he had the tendency to overthink everything. I had to have a lot of patience with him.
"I literally met his girlfriend the other day," I explained, trying to keep my cool. "Listen, Kurt, I need you to listen to me. I am married to you-not Thom. I am not attracted to him in any way and he is not attracted to me in any way. I promise you."
"Then why were you guys giving each other looks while you were talking and acting like you've known each other for forever?"
"Goddamn it!" I yelled, wanting to punch something. I had so much anger built inside of me, I needed a way to release it. But then I remembered the last time I felt something like that was when I cut myself.
I needed to stop thinking that way.
"We weren't giving each other looks!" I exclaimed. "Shelli and Jennifer were giving each other looks! I'm going to kill Shelli, I swear to God."
"No, no, if it wasn't for Shelli, I wouldn't have known about this."
"I'm not cheating on you, Kurt, okay? I promise I'm not."
"I don't believe you."
"You seriously think I would cheat on you after what you did to me? No, I have more common sense than not to do that to my fucking husband. I actually have self control over myself."
I instantly regretted what I had said as soon as it came out of my mouth.
"Kurt-" I whispered and started to cry.
I hated everything about that moment.
I hated that everything had escalated that quickly to that degree. All I was doing was inviting a friend over to hang out with me since my husband was out of town. I wasn't doing anything with Thom-I never would. He was not attractive in any way.
I just wished that Kurt would understand that.
But now I fucked up and I had to pay the price. I said something that I didn't mean to say and I had hurt him yet again.
All of a sudden, I heard the dial tone and I screamed into my pillow.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" I screamed and felt the feeling that I felt the last time I cut myself.
I needed to go near my kids because if I was around them, I wouldn't have those thoughts. I never would do that to them.
But they couldn't see me like this. That's not healthy.
I walked to the bathroom and rinsed my face off, then ran downstairs and saw that Jennifer was still holding my daughter.
I grabbed Melissa from her and handed her off to Thom.
"Get the FUCK out of my house," I yelled at Shelli and Jennifer. "God the fucking nerve of you two. You guys disgust me!"
As Shelli walked out of the house, I tapped her on the shoulder for her to face me. As soon as she spun around, I punched her in the nose.
I yelled out in pain, my fist stinging from that.
"Let's go," Jennifer grabbed Shelli by the arm and walked outside.
I didn't know what to feel in that moment.
I had just punched someone I considered to be my friend.
She betrayed me, though.
"Where's Lorelai?" I asked Thom.
"In her room," He said, showing no expression on his face.
"Mom, I have my jammies on!" She shouted. "And I brushed my hair and teeth!"
I walked upstairs with her and tucked her into bed.
"Goodnight, Lorelai," I kissed her forehead.
I shut her door and then Thom handed Melissa to me. I looked down at her and she was sound asleep. I walked up into her bedroom and put her down to sleep, then walked back downstairs.
"I had a therapy appointment today," I suddenly realized. "I forgot to go."
"You should probably call them, then."
"You should probably leave."
"I should," He grabbed his coat. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?"
"Okay," I tried so hard not to cry in front of him. I didn't want to be asked if I was okay.
As soon as he left the house, I wheezed and started to cry hard.
I ran over to the phone and called my mom.
"Mom?" I asked as she answered.
"What's wrong?"
"Can you come over?"