January 20, 1994
"Lorelai, sweetie, don't do that," I gently removed her hand from the cereal box and grabbed my car keys. "I'll be back, guys!"
I got into the car and drove to the grocery store. I needed to get some food for dinner tonight (we didn't have anything). My mom and I decided that we were going to make some tacos together.
At the store, I bought meat, lettuce, cheese, and taco shells. On my way back home, I stopped for gas, then drove straight back home.
When I pulled into the driveway, I just couldn't stop staring at my arm and looking at what I had done to myself. Was hurting myself worth it? No. Not in any way. If I could, I would go back in time and re-do that moment forever. But, it was in the past and there was nothing I could do about it.
I sighed as I remembered that I still had to deal with the situation with Kurt. I didn't want to have to talk to him about that. Did Dave even tell him what I did? I couldn't remember.
I then started to worry about Kurt. What if that would send him down another spiral? What if he got addicted again or worse: tried to overdose? I shook my head, trying to get those thoughts out of my head. Kurt wouldn't try to overdose.
I walked inside and set down the grocery bag on my kitchen counter.
"Mom, I'm back!" I shouted.
No response.
No noise whatsoever.
"Mom?!" I yelled.
"I'm giving the girls a bath!" She shouted from upstairs.
I sighed in relief, clutching my chest. I unpacked the items that I got from the store and put them away.
I bumped into someone as I turned around and screamed when I saw Dave.
"What-How-Oh my!" I hugged him tightly, still not comprehending that he was actually there. "What are you doing here?!"
"We played a couple shows in Seattle on the seventh and the eighth, so we decided to stop by," He said.
"Who's 'we'?" I gave him a puzzled expression.
"DADDY!" I heard Lorelai scream and that made my heart drop.
No, I didn't want Kurt to be home.
I didn't want to see him.
I didn't want to be near him.
"Why is he here?" I grew angry.
"Because you can't just run from your problems."
"I'm not running from anything, Dave. He wasn't here to talk about this with me."
He glanced down at my arm. "Ruby. Is it that bad?"
I looked down at the bandage. "No, it's not too bad."
"Let me see it."
"I need to give it air anyway."
I took off the bandage and Dave held my wrist close to his face. His face had "upset" written all over it. I hated looking at him like that. I hated knowing that what I did caused him to feel that way.
"It's pretty bad, Ruby," He shook his head.
"No, it's not," I took my wrist out of his grasp. "I don't want you looking at it anymore."
"God, Ruby. Do you need help? Is there something else going on?"
"I don't know. Please don't try to talk about this with me just yet, okay? I don't want to talk about it right now."
He hugged me and gently rubbed my back.
"I love you so much," He told me.
"I love you too, Dave," I smiled.
He let go of me. "Go talk to your husband."
"Will you come with me?"
"I'll be near you guys in case things get out of hand."
We both walked upstairs and into Kurt's and my bedroom. I found Kurt sitting down on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. As soon as the floorboard creaked, he looked up at me.
"Ruby," He sighed.
I turned around and gave Dave a face that he knew was his signal to leave. I shut the door and slowly made my way over to Kurt.
"Don't touch me," I warned him. "Just not yet, okay?"
"Alright. Ruby, I'm so sorry."
"I know you are. I'm just really hurt that you would keep something like that from me. How long have you had that for?"
"I don't know, Ruby."
"Since before we moved here, right?"
"Yeah, that's correct."
"Where are they?!" Krist's voice echoed.
"They're in the bedroom; calm down," Dave said.
I chuckled and took a hard look at Kurt.
It was as if all the anger that I felt about him vanished. I felt so bad for him. He would never purposefully hurt me. Kurt wasn't like that. He always went out of his way to make sure that he could help me in any way that I needed. He put me before him, but that was mostly because he didn't care about himself.
He didn't care about himself in any way, shape, or form. He hated how he looked and how he acted. He hated everything about himself, and I could tell that whenever I was angry at him, that only made him feel worse about himself. He probably beat himself up for letting me find that box and that made my heart break.
"Kurt, are you okay?" I asked him.
He chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair. "You're asking me if I'm okay?"
"Yes."
"You hurt yourself, Ruby."
"I know, I know." I hated hearing that. It kept reminding me of what I did and I didn't want to be reminded of it. But I knew that I deserved to.
He looked down at my arm-my left arm. He held his hand out and I nodded my head. He held my wrist and examined my arm. He started to cry and gently rubbed his fingers over the cuts.
"I've never seen anyone do that before," He told me.
"Well, you didn't see me do it."
"I mean I've never seen it before," He looked straight into my eyes. "Have you done this before?"
"No, no, I've never done it before. I've never even really thought about it before. I talked to a therapist about it and she thinks I've been bottling things up and this was the breaking point."
"God, I'm so so sorry, Ruby."
"Kurt?"
"Yeah?"
"Can we go do something?"
"What?"
"Just you and I? Can we go do something?"
"Right now?"
"Yes."
"Alright, yeah."
I smiled as he let go of my wrist and held my hand instead. We walked out of the bedroom and went downstairs and found everyone in the living room.
"We can pick up Frances if you want?" Kurt suggested. "I haven't seen that bean in a long time."
"Yeah, we can get her once we're done hanging out."
"You guys are going out?" Dave asked.
"Yeah, Mom, are you fine with watching the girls?" I asked her.
"Sure," She did not seem too fond of the idea of Kurt and I going out together.
I could understand where she was coming from. I just needed some alone time with Kurt to sort things out.
"We'll be back," I smiled and walked out of the house with my husband.