Christmas Day, 1993
I put the cinnamon rolls on a plate and heard the girls coming downstairs.
"Merry Christmas, Mommy!" Lorelai ran to me and I hugged her.
"Merry Christmas, baby," I kissed her forehead. "Go eat your food." I walked over to Kurt who was holding Melissa. "Good morning, Melissa."
"Good morning, Mommy," Kurt made a high pitched voice and pulled her lower lip down as he spoke the words.
"Her first words are going to be momma. Isn't that right? Say momma. Mom. Mom."
"She says dada in her sleep."
"That's weird, Kurt. Put her in her highchair and I'll feed her her food."
"By the way," He whispered in my ear after putting her in her seat. "I had a very good night last night."
"I wish I could say the same," I jokingly said. "Just kidding!"
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"My mom always does this type of stuff," I explained to Kurt as we pulled up to my parent's house. We were going there for a Christmas party. Not really a party, but just a get-together. "She told me that a lot of my family is going to be here-aunts, uncles, cousins, etc."
"Let's go inside, then," Kurt said.
We walked inside and immediately there was a lot of noise.
A lot of people.
"Hi!" My mom still somehow managed to hear the door open. She ran over to us and hugged Lorelai, then took Melissa out of Kurt's grasp and showed her off to everyone.
"Well then," Kurt cleared his throat.
I held his hand and some kids ran up to us.
"Want to play with us?" A little girl asked Lorelai.
"Mommy, can I play with them?" Lorelai asked me.
"Of course," I smiled as she ran away with the girl.
"Are you going to introduce me to anyone?" Kurt asked.
"Kurt, I don't even know who half the people in this room are."
"Merry Christmas," My mom walked back over to us.
"Merry Christmas, Mom," I hugged her. "Can I have my baby back, now? Thank you."
I took Melissa from her.
"That's such a cute dress," My mother said.
"Kurt picked it out," I told her. "Are you going to tell me who these people are?"
"Oh right."
Kurt and I followed her to the couch as she introduced her two sisters and mentioned their kids' names.
I didn't even know that my mom had sisters. She never mentioned it. Not once when I was younger. Maybe they had some sort of feud going on or maybe she was too ashamed of me to mention me to them.
Their names were Sylvia and Serenity. Sylvia was 10 years older than my mom, and Serenity was 3 years older.
Sylvia was married to her husband Victor who had a son who was a couple years older than me named Travis. He was married to someone named Gretchen and they had two kids: Marley (he was 4) and Nicole (she was 6).
Serenity was married to Fred and they had two kids: Patrick and Andy. Patrick was dating someone at the time (Rachel), but he didn't have any kids.
Andy, on the other hand, was engaged to Harry. They had been engaged for two years, now. They had one girl named Caroline (she was 10).
"And this is her boyfriend, Kurt Cobain," My mom said.
"Husband," I corrected. "Husband, Mom."
"Nice to meet you," He awkwardly waved his hand.
"Where's Dad at?" I asked.
"He's out barbecuing with all the other men," She smiled.
I could tell that she enjoyed this: having all of her family over during the stereotypical get-together. All the women stayed inside while the men barbecued and the kids all played together.
"There's a lot of people to memorize-a lot of names," Kurt whispered into my ear.
"I know," I rubbed his arm. "Let's sit down."
"So, you're famous?" Sylvia asked.
"Yes, I am," Kurt nodded his head, but I could tell that he was internally rolling his eyes.
"What is it like?"
"It's exhausting and I hate it."
"Kurt," I mumbled. This was the first time that they were meeting him. I didn't want them to think that he was just angry all the time. That's what everyone else in the world always though.
"But at least we can afford things, you know? Not a lot of people can."
"Amen," Serenity clapped her hands together. "How have you guys been?"
"We've been well," I smiled. "Times have been stressful since the little one came along, but we've been good."
"And the older girl is both of yours?" Sylvia asked.
"Sylvia, I told you about this before they got here," My mom said. "It's not his biological daughter. It's-"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot."
"It's alright," I shrugged my shoulders. "But Lorelai doesn't know, so don't say anything."
"My lips are zipped."
"Do you want to go outside?" I asked Kurt. "Give Melissa a little fresh air?"
"I think I need it more than she does," He took out a cigarette as we walked outside and over to the very back where no one else was. We sat down on the grass and I let Melissa walk around. Kurt lit his cigarette and started smoking.
"Don't blow it in her face, okay?" I asked him.
"I know, I know."
Just then, a woman and man walked over to us.
"Merry Christmas!" She shouted. "I'm Andy and this is my fiancee Harry."
"Merry Christmas," I stood up and hugged her. "I'm Ruby and this is my husband Kurt."
"The one and only Kurt Cobain."
He awkwardly waved his hand. "Hi."
"I am a huge fan of your music," Harry said. "I have been since 'Bleach'."
"Oh really?" He asked.
"Yeah."
"What's your favorite song?"
"Probably...Drain You."
"Hey! That's my favorite, too!"
"Actually?"
"Yeah!"
Kurt stood up and walked away with Harry.
"I think Kurt has feelings for someone else," I joked and then saw Melissa was sitting on the grass and picking at the flowers.
"Is that your little one?"
"Yeah. That's Kurt's and my kid. I'm going to be honest, I thought that you were a boy at first."
"Because of the name Andy? Yeah, it's not really a girl name."
Just then, Patrick and Rachel walked up to us.
"Hello," Patrick gave me a hug. "I'm Patrick and this is my girlfriend Rachel.
"Hi," She shook my hand.
"I didn't even know that you existed," I told Patrick. "My mom never told me about any of our family."
"Yeah, I thought that was kind of weird."
I noticed Rachel staring at Kurt.
"Where's Kurt at?" She asked.
"He's walking with Harry," I replied.
"Is that your daughter?" Patrick asked, looking at Melissa.
"Yeah," I smiled and saw that Andy was playing with her.
"She's so adorable. I want kids so bad."
"They're worth it."
"Which one is the daughter of the dead boyfriend?" Rachel asked.
Patrick elbowed her in the side. "What the fuck is your problem?"
I decided that I didn't like Rachel.
"She's going to be nowhere near you," I smirked.
"Rachel, why don't you go get us a drink?" Patrick asked.
"Sure," She walked away.
"I'm really sorry about that."
"Oh, it's alright."
Just then, Kurt walked back over to us with a big smile plastered onto his face.
"Melissa, come here," He crouched down and held out his arms. Melissa ran to him and he picked her up, then he turned to face Patrick. "Hi, I'm Kurt Cobain, but you probably already know that."
"Yeah," He chuckled. "I'm Patrick."
"He's your cousin, right?" Kurt asked me.
"I'm pretty sure," I couldn't stop smiling. Kurt was happy and that made me happy. Something obviously happened that made him that happy.
"Oh my God," Rachel came back.
"I don't like her," Andy whispered into my ear. "Kurt Cobain, do you know where Harry's at?"
"Please, just call me Kurt. And he went inside."
"Thank you. I'll talk to you later, Ruby."
Andy walked away, leaving us alone with Rachel and Patrick.
"I love you so much," Rachel told Kurt.
Kurt chuckled. "Thank you."
Just then, Melissa started whining and getting fussy. Kurt set her down on the ground and she stopped whining.
"Like, you are my biggest celebrity idol."
"We get it," Patrick murmured. He was growing annoyed with Rachel. "Oh look, Gretchen and Travis are coming."
"Hi!" Gretchen ran up to me and hugged me. "You are so beautiful! Is that your kid?! She's adorable!"
I smiled and Travis apologized. "Gretchen has no boundaries."
"I'm just excited to meet everyone. Hello, Kurt."
That made Kurt smile-she didn't act like he was a big celebrity. She acted like he was a normal person. That was all he ever wanted.
"I'm Travis," Travis stepped forward and shook Kurt's hand.
I picked Melissa up and I told Kurt, "I'm going to go say hi to my dad."
"I would, too, but he doesn't like me," Kurt frowned.
"And you think avoiding him is going to make him like you more?"
"Why doesn't he like you?" Gretchen asked.
"I'm not getting into this," I smiled softly. "I'm sorry. Kurt, let's go say hi."
We walked over to my dad who was barbecuing.
"Hi Dad!" I hugged him. "Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas!" He hugged me. "Oh, I have a little hat for her." He grabbed a little beanie and placed it onto Melissa's head.
"Shit, she's probably cold," I shook my head. "We're going to go back inside."
Kurt and I walked inside and sat down at the table.
"That Rachel girl obviously likes you," I told Kurt.
"She seems annoying. I really like Harry."
"I could tell."
"And Gretchen."
"What did you and Harry talk about?"
"He likes music, too, and he wants to start a band. He plays the drums. Maybe we could replace Dave with him."
"Excuse me, what? Replace Dave? What are you talking about?"
"Krist and I have been talking about it for a little while now and we're thinking about getting a new drummer."
"Why would you get a new drummer? Dave is the best fucking drummer ever."
"Ruby, are you just saying that because he's your best friend?"
"No! Have you seen him drum?"
"Countless times. I just don't think that he's what we want."
I rolled my eyes. "Let's not talk about this now."
"There's nothing to talk about. You're not in the band; this isn't your decision."
I nodded my head. "I'm going to go back outside."
"I'm going to go find Harry."
"Fine," I took Melissa back outside and I stood next to Patrick, Rachel, Travis, and Gretchen.
"Where's Kurt?" Rachel asked, but I ignored her.
I let Melissa walk around, but as soon as she did, she fell onto her face in the snow.
"Shit!" I picked her up and she started bawling. I rushed her inside and on my way there, I tripped and fell.
"Do you need help?!" Gretchen asked.
I was so frustrated and stressed out and upset with everything. Why couldn't we just have a nice evening without anything happening? It felt like I always argued with Kurt and we could never go a week without arguing.
"Can you take Melissa inside?" I asked her. "Take her to a bath somewhere-make sure it's not too hot or cold. And get that snow off of her face please."
Patrick helped me stand up. I wiped away the tears that were coming out of my eyes.
"Hey, are you alright?" He asked me.
Andy and Harry walked over to us, then Travis and Rachel.
"What's going on?" Andy asked and noticed me crying. "I'm going to take her. You guys have no idea what you're doing."
"I'm fine," I told her as we walked away.
"You're a mother-you're never fine."
I chuckled. "What?"
"I'm just joking. Come on, let's go inside."
Andy was a couple years older than Harry, so she was older than me, too. I always wanted an older sister and in that moment, it felt like she was my older sister. It made me feel comforted.
She took me upstairs and into a random bedroom. I could hear Melissa giggling and Gretchen making silly noises with her.
"Take off your coat," She told me.
I took it off and she wrapped me in a warm blanket.
"Do you need to cry and get it out of your system?" She asked.
I nodded my head and she hugged me as I cried into her shoulder. I needed this-I needed to let it all out.
"I don't know what's going on," I cried. "I mean, Kurt and I always argue."
"Do you think you can be fully happy with him after what he's done?"
"What do you mean?"
"The cheating."
"How do you know?"
"Honey, everyone in the world knows he cheated on you."
"That makes me feel so much better."
"My point is: can you be the best version of you when you know that he cheated on you?"
"No, but I have to work on it."
"There's nothing to work on."
"I'm not going to do that to my kids, okay-make them go between different households? They're too young for that. I'm giving him another chance."
"If he's done it one time, why won't he do it again?"
"Because he knows he fucked up."
"Now let's move onto the next thing: Drugs."
"Dear God. Yeah, let's bash on my husband. This is going to make me feel so much better. I'm going to go give my daughter a bath. Thanks."
I threw the blanket onto the floor and went into the bathroom and saw Gretchen playing with Melissa. I left them alone and tried to find Lorelai. I went down the hallway and saw her playing dolls with another little girl.
"Hey, Lorelai," I said softly. "Are you having fun?"
"Yeah!" She giggled.
"Good," I turned around and went back into the bathroom. "Ready to get out, Melissa?"
"No, not yet," Gretchen giggled. "I miss having babies."
"Alright," I headed downstairs and I couldn't find Kurt anywhere. I asked everyone and no one knew.
Just then, Harry appeared and looked startled as soon as he made eye contact with me.
"You need to go with Kurt right now," He told me. "He's out back and in the far left corner."
I ran outside and to the left. I saw Kurt smoking a cigarette in the far corner while crying.
"Kurt," I softly said as I walked up to him.
"Do you think you can be fully happy if you're with me?"
Shit.
He heard our conversation.
"Did you hear what I said after?" I asked him.
"I'm such a fuck-up, Ruby! I fuck everything up!"
"Hey, is everything alright?" Rachel walked up to us.
"Leave us alone, please," I said.
"If you need anything, Kurt, let me know."
"I don't," He said.
She placed a hand onto his shoulder. "Kurt-"
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I threw her hand off of his shoulder and she walked away. "Goddamn."
"Ruby, I don't think that we can fake this anymore," He cried harder.
"We're not faking anything."
"We're not truly happy, Ruby. We can never be truly happy. You're still hung over what I did to you, I'm still a fucking junkie, and you're in love with your dead boyfriend. Yeah, that bothers me, Ruby. You can never be fully in love with me because you're still in love with him."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
Did he really just say that?
He knew what he had did, because he opened his mouth to apologize.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether to walk away, to say something to him, or what.
I walked inside and up into the bathroom and saw Gretchen had put Melissa's clothes on.
"Holy shit, are you okay?" Gretchen asked.
It was only then that I could hear how loud I was bawling.
"I need to go home," I somehow managed to get out. I grabbed Melissa and I went into the bedroom Lorelai was in.
"Lorelai, do you want to spend the night here?" I asked her.
"Yes!" She exclaimed.
I walked downstairs and attempted to find my mother. Multiple people asked me what was wrong, but I ignored them. I found her in the kitchen.
"Mom, can Lorelai spend the night tonight?" I asked her.
She saw me crying. "Of course. Ruby, what's wrong?"
"I just need to go, okay? I'm sorry. I really didn't want this to happen."
That made me cry harder. I walked back upstairs and I gave Lorelai a big hug.
"I love you so much," I kissed the top of her head. "Merry Christmas."
"What's wrong, Mommy?"
"Nothing, sweetie."
"Okay."
I grabbed my purse and keys and asked Gretchen to follow me outside.
"Can you put Melissa in the car seat? I need to say goodbye to everyone."
"Of course," She smiled.
I gave her the keys and ran back inside. I gave Serenity and Sylvia a hug and told them goodbye. They didn't ask me what was wrong. I gave Patrick a hug and told him goodbye.
"How long are you guys in town for?" I asked him.
"We live here," He said. "Not in this house, but in Washington."
"We'll have to meet up again, okay? I'm so sorry for leaving early."
I ignored Rachel and then gave Andy and Harry a hug.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you," I told Andy.
"I get it," She smiled. "Hey, we'll come visit a different time. Are you okay?"
"Not right now."
I went into the kitchen and gave my mom a hug.
"If you need anything, come see me, okay?" She asked.
"Okay, Mom. Thank you so much for letting Lorelai stay."
"Of course. Did something happen between you and Kurt?"
I didn't answer her question-I didn't have to.
I went out back and said goodbye to Travis.
"I have to go; I'm sorry."
I went to my dad who was sitting on a chair and I gave him a hug. By now, I was still crying, but not as hard.
"Lorelai's spending the night. I have to go, Dad. I'm so sorry."
"Ruby-"
"Dad, I can't talk right now."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
I went back inside and into a bedroom. I grabbed the phone and called Krist.
"Hello?" Shelli immediately answered.
"I need you to come to my parents' house," I gave her the address. "I'm leaving, but I need you guys to come and get Kurt, okay? He's not okay right now and I don't trust him on his own. I can't explain what's going on-he can tell you. I'm really sorry to put this sort of pressure onto you, but I don't know what to do."
I hung up the phone and went to Harry who was sitting down on the couch.
"Keep your eye on Kurt," I told him. "His best friend is coming to pick him up, but I need you to make sure Kurt doesn't leave until his best friend gets here. His name is Krist. He's super tall."
"He's outside right now. Do you want me to keep an eye on him now?"
"Yeah."
Too many thoughts rushed through my head as we walked outside.
Why didn't my mom tell me whe my family was or that they lived in Washington? I would talk with her about that later.
I walked to the car and saw Kurt was standing by the car.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" I yelled at him, even though I knew that he was out there.
"We're going home, aren't we?"
"You're not coming home with us, Kurt. We're not fucking going home. I'm taking her somewhere else. I fucking despise you right now!"
"I'm sorry," His lip quivered. "God! I'm fucking sorry, Ruby!"
"Say bye to Melissa really quickly."
He poked his head inside of the car and kissed her head.
"I love you, Melissa."
Kurt shut the door softly and went to give me a hug, but I moved out of the way.
Then I remembered how anything could happen-I could get into a car accident and die, and the last thing I did to Kurt was reject a hug from him.
I gave him a hug and kissed him. "I love you, Kurt."
I gave Gretchen a hug. "Thank you for everything."
"You're welcome."
I got into the car and drove to the nearest hotel.
What a great Christmas.