January 23, 1993
We arrived in Rio De Janerio a couple days before the concert. It was a struggle getting to Rio De Janerio because of Kurt's behavior. He would go out of his way to find something to complain about and it was getting really tiring, but we had to give him a break.
He was getting off of heroin, but he was still doing other stuff. I had to remind myself that we were taking baby steps, and soon he would be off of everything.
Besides Kurt, Rio De Janerio was really beautiful. It was green like Washington and there were a lot of people there.
As I was laying down in my bed, Jennifer knocked on the door.
"Hi," She softly said.
I sat up. "Jennifer?"
Dave brought her with us to Rio De Janerio. He really thought that they had a connection and he didn't want to abandon it. He had to really convince Jennifer to do it, but she ended up agreeing in the end.
"Dave needs you," She said.
I followed her into their bedroom and looked around for Dave, but couldn't find him anywhere. Then, he jumped out in front of me, causing a sharp pain in my body and I crouched down onto the ground, startled.
"Fuck you!" I shoved him lightly.
Jennifer chuckled. "That was awesome."
"RUBY!" Kurt hollered for me. "THE GIRLS ARE ON THE PHONE!"
I rushed into the main room and grabbed the phone from Kurt.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Mom!" Lorelai shouted.
I gasped. "Lorelai, hi! How are you?"'
She started crying. "I really miss you, Mom. When are you going to be coming back?"
"I'll be back soon, baby, okay?"
"Mom, I want you to come back now."
I started tearing up, too. Lorelai and I had always been there for each other everyday. I rarely ever left her side (besides work), but now I had been gone for a week. I missed her terribly, too. I'm glad we chose not to bring them, though-especially with how Kurt was acting at the concert.
"I know, baby," I wiped my tears, too. "We'll be back soon, okay? Only three more days."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
"Alright, bye Mom! I love you!"
"I love you too, baby."
She hung up the phone and then I realized I didn't even get to say hi to Melissa or my mother.
"You okay?" Kurt asked.
"Just miss them a lot," I shrugged my shoulders.
He pulled me into him and hugged me. "I know, but it'll be okay. We'll be back home soon."
"When do you guys leave for the concert?" I asked.
"Soon."
"Now!" Krist snapped. "We should've been gone by now!"
I let go of Kurt and helped him put his shoes on. "Be good, okay?"
"Okay. Bye, Ruby."
Krist, Dave, and Kurt left very quickly. I knew that they were going to be leaving soon, but I didn't know that it was going to be that soon.
"We should go do a salon day!" Shelli ran out of the bedroom.
"For what?" I asked.
"Well, for fun. And the concert."
Remembering the last concert, I didn't think that getting ready was going to be a good idea. It wasn't going to be worth it. I was still debating on whether or not I was going to be going, but I wanted to be there to support Kurt. I was a little at ease since Shelli would be going, too.
"You coming with?" Jennifer asked.
"No," I shook my head. "You guys go on without me. I don't want to get ready."
"Come on," Shelli whined.
"Maybe some other time."
"Alright. Bye, Ruby."
The door shut and I thought about how I told my parents at Christmas that we were going to be leaving today, but we were going to have to stay longer since Nirvana's concert was today. I wanted to go back home; I was homesick. I wanted to see my babies.
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I sat down on the edge of the stage, my feet dangling over the end of it. They were almost done setting up and people were already arriving. They weren't able to see me, though.
I was really nervous for the concert. I had a really, really bad feeling about it-like something bad was going to happen. Shelli was able to calm me down and help me regain control over myself, but I still couldn't shake off the feeling.
I walked backstage and saw everyone else there, too-even Jennifer. What was she doing here? I had a feeling she was going to be disappointed and disassociate herself from Dave.
"Good luck!" Shelli kissed Krist. "Break a leg, sweetie."
"You'll do great," Jennifer awkwardly gave Dave a high-five.
I looked around for Kurt, but then I realized he wasn't there. I could've sworn I just saw him.
"He's going to the 'bathroom'," Krist told me, knowing that I was looking for him. We both knew that he was going drugs in there. But, we had no control over him. He was always going to do it.
Baby steps, I reminded myself.
Dave and Krist walked out onstage and got their instruments ready. I was starting to shake, getting nervous that Kurt wasn't showing up. I decided to walk towards the bathroom and get him myself.
On my way there, I bumped into him. He was wearing pajamas and smoking a cigarette. He was pretty ticked off that they were playing a show that was supporting cigarettes or something like that-I wasn't paying attention-yet he was smoking a cigarette himself.
"Where were you?!" I hugged him. "I was getting worried."
He took a drag instead of answering me, then was dragged away by people who worked backstage. He went onstage without saying anything to me and that made me feel uneasy.
As he was getting his guitar on, I stormed out onstage without anyone seeing me and hugged him. If for some reason he died, I would've regretted my whole life not telling him anything.
"Good luck, okay?" I kissed him. "You're going to do great. I love you."
He smiled. "I love you, too. Now, go. Shoo!"
I ran backstage and went back with Shelli and Jennifer.
The beginning was great, they were doing very good. I convinced myself that things were going to go terribly wrong, when in fact, they weren't. Then, they performed "Love Buzz". Nothing bad happened, but Kurt sacrificed the lyrics just to fucking smoke. That pissed me off because the people in the audience paid a lot of money to watch them perform, not watch Kurt smoke.
A couple songs later, Kurt decided to smoke again-during "Polly". He even butchered up the lyrics on purpose. Dave, who was doing the backup vocals, was very confused. So, at one point, he sung the lyrics Kurt was making up, and Kurt sung them at the same time. Kurt smiled widely, causing me to smile.
It's the little things, Kurt told me once.
For the longest time, everything was going great. Did they sound good? No. They sounded like dogshit. They were horrible. But, they were trying. Well, Krist and Dave were; Kurt wasn't trying in any way. If he was trying to sound bad, then he was succeeding.
In the middle of talking to Jennifer and Shelli, Shelli's eyes widened in horror. I followed her eyes to where she was looking and saw she was looking at Kurt. He wasn't on stage, he was on the level right below the stage-it was almost like a second stage.
He waved his fingers crazily in front of a camera, then drew his head back, and spat in it. I chuckled, confused by what the fuck he was doing. I made eye contact with Dave and he just shrugged his shoulders in confusion. Krist looked like he didn't know what was going on, either.
Out of my peripheral vision, I could see Kurt bouncing back and forth. He was humping these white tubes on the stage continuously. He then walked over to the camera that was facing towards my direction and set his guitar down on the ground.
He loosened up his pants and then he took his dick out and started jumping up and down in the camera, putting his dick up against it. I turned away in embarrassment for a while.
I crouched down onto the ground and buried my face in my hands. He wasn't okay. He shouldn't have been doing the show. A security guard walked over to where he was, so I got startled that something happened, but he was just helping him back onstage.
Kurt started playing the song again as if nothing happened, then started just screaming randomly. I didn't know if it was the chorus or not, but it sounded like he was in pain. I plugged my ears as if it would block out his screams, but it didn't work. It was so bad to the point where I started crying.
I walked away from them and into a dark corner where no one would see me. I brought my knees close to my chest and rocked back and forth, softly tearing up.
I knew that something bad was going to happen. My fiancee was walking around on stage, pulling his dick out and shoving it into a camera. I didn't really know if that was something that you should be angry at, but for some reason, I was angry at him.
I looked up and saw Kurt walking backstage with bodyguards around him, looking around for something. If he was looking for me, he wasn't going to find me.
After I saw him walk into a room, I ran onstage towards Dave. He was just sitting down and I hugged him.
"Hey, what's going on?" He asked.
"What the fuck was that?!" I practically screamed, causing Dave to move the microphone away from my face.
"I don't know, Ruby."
"You don't seem nervous or anything."
"Well, it's not that big of a deal."
"Yes the fuck it is! Did you not see him at the last concert?!"
"Hey, what's going on?" Krist walked over.
"Kurt!" I yelled. "What did he just do?!"
"He's high, Ruby."
"No shit, Krist. But he's so fucking horrible right now. There's something else going on and no one's helping him! We're just letting him go out onstage like this!" I was furious. He shouldn't go out onstage again. I wasn't going to let him. He walked back onstage wearing a dress and a crown, so I stormed over to him. "No."
"What?" He was smiling, but it instantly faded as soon as he heard me say 'no'.
"I'm not letting you play again, Kurt. Not after what you just did."
"Ruby, what are you even talking about?"
"You literally just fucking flashed a camera!"
"Ruby, come on. Don't be like this."
"Kurt, come on. Let's go back to the hotel."
"What? No. We have to continue the show."
"No, Kurt. You shouldn't. Come on, please."
"Ruby, no."
I started crying and pulling on his arm. "Kurt, please! Please! I don't like seeing you like this!"
"I'm fucking fine!" He snapped, flailing his arm around so that I would let go of him.
My stomach dropped due to his reaction and I nodded my head slowly, turned around, and walked away. He called after me, but he didn't run after me.
"Where are you going?" Shelli asked me.
"I'm leaving."