March 16, 1992
I woke up on the couch. I didn't want to go back upstairs last night after I saw what Kurt had done. I was scared. Krist, Dave, and Shelli all spent the night, too. I didn't tell them what was wrong and I didn't plan to. It was none of their fucking business.
When I woke up, it was about nine and Lorelai still wasn't awake. I went to check on Kurt and heard vomiting.
Shit.
I ran into the bathroom and he was leaning over the toilet, gripping the side of it. I could see his veins clearly from how hard he was gripping it. Even though I could normally see them-from how skinny he was-they were more noticeable.
I pulled his hair back and whispered softly in his ear, "Hey, I'm here."
I tickled his back as he vomited. It was funny what love could do to you. You could be mad at the person you loved for so long-for me it was all of yesterday-but the second they were in pain, you rushed by their side.
I just wanted Kurt to be okay. I didn't like what we were doing to each other. The worst part was we didn't even realize it. We didn't realize the pain we were causing the other.
He stopped throwing up, but he was still leaning over the toilet.
"Hey, get up," I softly said.
"No."
"Why not?"
"This never happens," He started choking on his spit, but he spat into the toilet.
"What do you mean?"
"You never show me you love me! You don't tell me you're here for me or tickle my back!"
"Kurt, come here."
"No-"
"Kurt. Take your clothes off."
"Ruby, I didn't-"
"Go!" I chuckled.
He stood up and took off his pants. He already didn't have a shirt on. I looked away, plugged my nose, and shut the toilet lid and flushed it. I got out and started the bath and put it a little warmer than warm-he always liked it that way. Boys didn't like baths as much as girls did, but it was the only way I could "bandage him up".
"I don't want to take a bath," He looked at me with a glare in his eyes.
"Did you clean up the mess from last night?"
He knew exactly what I was talking about. "Yeah. Ruby, I'm so sorry about that. I just-I'm so fucking overwhelmed. Everything from paying for this house, going on tour, interviews, autographs, Courtney-FUCKING COURTNEY-, the new baby, OUR new baby, just-"
"Stop," I took his hands in mine. "Stop. Breathe."
I turned the bath off and told him to get in. He took off his boxers and stepped in as I giggled softly to myself.
"What?" He looked at me.
"You have no ass."
"Mine are bigger than yours!"
"Do you have multiple asses?!" I laughed hysterically.
"My tits are bigger than yours."
"You're right."
I always had small boobs. I was an A cup size. I never had enough money to get a boob job. Robert told me I didn't need to get a boob job, but I was never confident in myself to just walk around without a shirt on and feel proud about my boobs.
"I was kidding," He said.
"No, no, it's fine."
"Come in."
"What?"
"Come in with me. Go close our door and come in with me."
I got undressed as I walked over to our door and shut it. By the time I walked into our bathroom, I was fully naked. I stepped in and Kurt looked at me.
"You're perfect, Ruby," He told me.
I scrubbed the vomit off of the sides of his mouth. "I'm going to take care of you, okay?"
He started tearing up. "I'm sorry, Ruby. You don't deserve this shit."
"I don't. But neither do you."
"My stomach's been worse."
"Then let's schedule an appointment today."
"They're not going to do anything. We already went!"
"Then we'll go again. We'll go to fucking Russia if we have to just to find out what's wrong with you." Then, a bed thought crept into my mind. "Kurt. Are you using again?
"No."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
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"God, I need to get my hair cut," I observed as we all played poker.
Krist and Dave were losing, and Shelli was doing worse than I while Kurt was just ahead of us all. The worst part was that he wasn't even trying.
"You're a disgrace," I said as he won another round.
I wasn't really able to enjoy it-my head was pounding.
"Kurt?" I whined.
"Yeah?"
"Can you massage my feet?"
"The fuck? Ruby, I'm playing poker."
"Kurt, please?"
"Kurt, she's pregnant!" Shelli helped me.
"Yeah, Kurt, help her!" Krist added on.
"Krist, massage my feet."
"No."
I laid my feet over Kurt's lap and wiggled my toes. "Listen, we all know about your foot fetish. Embrace it."
He rolled his eyes and put down his cards. "Sorry fellas, I'm attending to my woman."
He massaged my feet as Dave and Shelli cleaned up the poker mess. Krist just continued to drink. I didn't even like getting my feet massaged-I was too ticklish. As soon as his cold, fragile fingers grazed the tip of my toes, I giggled and pulled away.
"What is your problem?" Krist glared at me.
I looked at Dave and he was already smiling at me, thinking about when we were younger.
"Don't you even think about it!" I chuckled as he walked over to me, ready to tickle my feet.
When we were in high school, I was always known as the ticklish person. Everytime someone would accidentally brush their fingers against any bare part of my skin, I would giggle. Dave would take advantage of that and tickle me every chance he got. Obviously it's not as bad as it was before, but it was still really bad.
"Alright, that's enough," A jealous Kurt said, pulling Dave away.
"Someone's jealous," Shelli said in a sing-songy voice.
I rolled my eyes; she was not helping.
"I think we're going to get going," Dave abruptly said. "Come on, guys."
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"Home. It's getting late."
"It's only-" I realized that I should just stop talking. There was no convincing them.
I stood up and walked them out, but Dave didn't even give me a hug. I wasn't going to let him go without giving me a hug or saying anything. What if he died tomorrow? I asked him what was going on, but he wouldn't tell me.
He sighed. "Kurt's been on my ass lately about how 'friendly' I've been with you."
"Wait. You mean-"
"He thinks I have feelings for you."
I scoffed. "If anyone would cheat, it would be him." I covered my mouth. "Don't tell him I said that."
"Wasn't planning on it," He hugged me. "Bye, Ruby."
"Bye Dave. Drive safe."
I shut the door and walked up to our bedroom.
"Hey, lay off of Dave," I told Kurt.
"He needs to lay off of you," He said as we both turned off the lights and climbed into bed.
"You're just jealous."
"I'm an easily jealous person."
"Don't take it out on others. Just don't be a dick to him."
"I'll try not to."