Serendipity (Book 1)

iSurrender To Our Tragedy by D-R-O-W-N-I-N-S E Q U I N S

She coughs then giggles as she watches the smoke escape her pretty painted lips and after a couple of rounds her head is foggy and the world is starting to bend again. Her problems melt away as she melts into the floor. The lines seem to soften and blur and she's never felt so heavy and light at the same time. She knows she's babbling and her mouth feels as though there is something fuzzy growing out of it and it's so very dry. She slurps down the Icee somebody hands her greedily yet cautiously (because this actually means something to her) and she's laughing laughing laughing (she's okay okay okay) and her world seems to tip upside down and upright all at the same time.

She likes to spend her time here. Nothing else really matters here. It is what it is and she can feel the truth escape her and set fire to everything it touches (everything she touches) and she wants to burn down to the ground because she thinks that may be the only way she's entirely sure she's real (she's still alive, she's still alive, isn't she?) and she lets it take over because it saves her from herself (and it kills her and she loves it, she needs it) and so she stays in this limbo of being entirely too aware and oblivion.

She's not very surprised that he's the one that finds her (because he's always saving her, isn't he?) and he's shaking his head and mumbling "Oh, Sam." under his breath and she wants to shake him and scream. Because he shouldn't be here (because he shouldn't be near her) she watches as she clings onto him as she drowns and she knows that he's her safety preserver (and she knows that in the end she'll watch him sink) but for now he's keeping them both afloat.

She hates that time has stolen from him so greedily. Taken away the sparkle from his eyes and stripped him from his naïve thoughts and hopeful beliefs. She wishes she could save him from the truth of the world but she knows he's not the type to run away from reality. She thinks she'd say sorry but she makes it a habit to not show weakness, no matter how many times he's picked up her broken pieces unknowingly.

He's dragging her away from her self destruction (from her home) and as he delicately (isn't he aware by now that she's not a fucking china doll?) folds her back into the backseat of his car, she notices that Carly is nowhere to be found. She asks him about it.

"Carly's not the one who needs me." and she wants to laugh and scream because she could have told him that all along (she had told him that all along) and now it's too late. She laughs because everything is still okay (she is still okay okay okay) and she'd probably laugh at just about anything.

And she sees him take in a big breath and she wants to tell him that it's his fault (she's not his fucking china doll and he just doesn't get it) but she needs to save him (from his very own nature, from herself, from them) but she's suddenly so tired so instead she lets her eyes close and she just lets herself feel (she can feel the tires hitting the pavement and she can feel the lightening and she's burning) and she lets herself get lost because it's the only way she's really safe.

A long night spent with your most obvious weaknesses
You start shaking at the thought
You are everything I want
'Cause you are everything I'm not

It's like he wants to hurt himself.

It's not her fault (can't be her fault) because it's in her nature to self destruct. It's just one of those things she does, like dancing and breathing (it's all so very natural for her) but he's supposed to be the rational one. The level headed one. He's not supposed to fall for her games (she's always maybe sort of loved him for this) but he does.

He's saving her again and she's alone (she can feel herself flying away) and she needs somebody to let her know she's still here (she's still real) and as he begins to tuck her into her bed she grabs onto his shirt and whimpers. And even though her eyes can't really focus, she catches a glimpse into his. And they're a little desperate, a little broken (and if they were blue instead of brown it'd be like looking into a mirror) and she needs him even more.