Remember When ↠ l.p.

Aftermath

The sun is only just still peaking out from over the horizon when I'm back at my front door. I'm yawning and having trouble keeping my eyes open as I turn the key in the lock. It was a long day. Luckily I didn't really have to deal with Dr. Madison again, I mainly spoke with the other doctors working with Liam's case and although they couldn't really tell me anything new, they were much more reassuring. I had a thirty minute chat with Karen and afterwards I ended up staying at the hospital longer than I originally planned though. I called mother and she said they would be fine and to take as long as I needed. I just felt, that if I was there maybe Liam would wake up. I don't think my presence will somehow magically wake him up, but I feel like I'm watching over him until he does. And wouldn't it be best for him to see a familiar face? One he sort of still hates, but one he knows at least? The doctors said I should visit as much as I'm able, but they did also encourage me to go home and get some rest. So here I am, tired and a little hungry after only eating a few things from vending machine near Liam's room. 

"I'm home," I call out softly, but with no reply. It's a little early for the girls to be in bed, but it's so quiet... I set my keys and purse down on the couch and kick off my shoes just inside my bedroom. Then I peak inside the guest room. There's the girls, looking half asleep and leaning on either side of mother. She waves me in, looking a little drowsy herself. "What do you say we get them to bed and then we'll talk?" I ask her, hoping she'll agree. I've talked to so many people today, but they were Liam's doctors and Liam's family and Liam's friends. I want to talk to someone who's completely on my side. It's not like this is an argument or anything, but I selfishly want to complain about how unfair this all is. And I wouldn't feel right doing that to anyone on Liam's "side"...except maybe Louis. 

So together, mother and I manage to get the girls changed into their pajamas, their teeth brushed and into bed within fifteen minutes and without them getting very woken up. Then we retreat into my room, I kick my flip flops out of our way as we enter and collapse onto my bed. We sit there in silence until she speaks up. "How are you?" 

"I've been a lot better." I roll over onto my stomach so I can make eye contact with her. "I've never really dealt with this. None of my friends had addictions or depression. Not that I know of anyway. And no one had ever died in our class. There was that one accident when I was a sophomore, but it wasn't something that directly affected me. It scares me to think that he would do this. And what if the press somehow gets ahold of it? There are already rumors that he's in rehab that have been written about. I think I saw it on People last week." I sigh and run a hand through my hair. It's messy as heck, I need to wash it tonight. "I don't know how to feel. I'm hurt and angry and sad. I'm upset and worried about all these things. I feel overwhelmed and like I can't deal with it all. Not to mention these damn feelings." I trail off, not feeling the need to elaborate any more. She'll know what I mean as she so often does during our talks.

"Oh honey," she smooths my hair gently "it will be okay. You said on the phone the last time that we spoke nothing had changed still, but they think he'll wake up when he's ready right? They got all of the drugs out of his body so he should be fine, or," she corrects herself "as fine as he can be. He will continue to heal though my sweet Bella, do you know why? Because we all know now. The doctors will be more careful with him and they'll slow the pace of things down. We'll all know better and be there for him. As for all the worries you have and think are overwhelming you, that's completely normal. If you need to let them play out in your head and then just tell yourself that it probably won't happen. Remind yourself that you jump to extremes, remind yourself that feelings can be hidden and that Liam will get better. It's as simple as that." I nod slowly. She takes this as encouragement to continue. "You know, this is a terrible thing. Anyone would be upset about it, I'm upset about it and I know you said Karen was in pieces over the situation and the fact that she couldn't be there with him. You're not the only one. We women feel these things or perhaps show our distress more. And we have to share them and cry about them and then we move on and we get stronger for everyone else, right? We've gone through grief before, remember when your grandmother died? And your Tia Ruthie? While it's not exactly the same thing I'm sure you can get through this and come out just as strong."

"Thanks you," I whisper to her "I was afraid I was panicking about this and it was going to make me break down."

"No, it's normal." She sighs. "What am I saying, it's not, you know, normal normal but everyone goes through grief this way. That probably didn't make sense." She comments as an afterthought.

"I think I get it." I reassure. "And either way, it's going to be our new normal if he doesn't wake up soon. I'm going to be in and out of that room more that I'll like probably."

"I won't deny that won't be the case," she says slowly "but I think you'll be good for him. Maybe you will encourage him to wake up. Who knows?" She shrugs and rises from her spot to move closer to me and gather me into her arms. "But if you don't feel like you can handle it, take days off. If you feel like you have to go at least a little every day then do that. We would all deal with this a different day. There's no wrong way to heal from this." She kisses my forehead as I slowly nod. I'm beginning to see that.