Remember When ↠ l.p.

One day in May

For the longest time, nothing drastic seems to happen. Tessie comes over every day and stays until after dinner in the evening. Who picks her up or drops her off changes, but Liam has begun to do it more. Whether that's Paddy's influence or not I don't know, I haven't asked even though he's the one who always comes to the door for Tessie while Liam waits in the car. Instead I ask about how Paddy is doing and what's going on with Liam. Paddy keeps me informed on Liam's progress, one week he'll lessen is doses and the next he'll try to limit his alcohol intake as much as possible. He records the changes and still tries to get information from the doctor Liam was taken to. Thus far the Paynes have seemed content to trust that these medicines will be able to help Liam in the long run, I don't know if Paddy has told them that he's experimenting. What I do know is that they trust Paddy enough to leave the decision of stopping his medicines with him if Liam were to get too bad or too confused. I don't doubt that they want the best for Liam, but I can't help wondering how they can let him keep taking these medications that turn him into someone else. If I can tell that he's not the same person, if my five year old can tell..surely his mother and father should have noticed too, right? I can't help but spite them a little. Is this really what's best for Liam?

But then I remind myself that they saw him in the depths of depression while I didn't. Maybe they feel that anything is better than that. I imagine that seeing him so shaken up from a nightmare must have been terrifying. Paddy told me that occasionally Liam will still have the nightmares, mainly while Paddy is restricting the amount of pills he's taken. So we know, in some ways that they do work. I still hate them, they've taken him away and put someone else in his place. He's cold and almost unfeeling. Except for those small moments that Paddy tells me about and the way I see him watching Tessie come or go. Paddy has taken to staying at the mansion, so he can make sure that Liam is eating and hear if he starts having a nightmare. I told him that I hoped he had gotten an increased paycheck with the amount of work he's been doing, he's practically Liam's keeper. He just shook his head and said he couldn't bear the thought of Liam being alone or the chance that Tessie might wake up and see him in such a state. I reiterated to him that so many others would have left and that I was amazed at him. He told me he had been for Liam so long he couldn't imagine anything else. Despite all that's been going on Liam hasn't been taken out of the spotlight. Nor has he stopped work yet. Paddy was instructed to help him continue filming for the show as long as Liam was able to and his parents had no objection. I think they hoped he would maybe snap out of his daze if he maybe had something to give him purpose. So every week he appears on the tv screen, smiling and looking normal. He reads announcements and jokes off of the teleprompter and you'd never know. I've asked Paddy about it, if there is some sort of switch that flips when he goes onstage and he agrees. He thinks some part of Liam still remembers performing and equates this tv hosting job to be very similar. 

So while he's a smiling face on the tv screen he's not allowed to stop for pictures anymore and he rarely leaves his house. He had a few tv spots to film and ads and such, but since then he's just been working those few hours (somehow they managed to cut down his schedule once the official word got out from his management of what exactly was going on with him) and then spending the rest of the time at the mansion. Paddy says he walks and talks to himself sometimes. Sometimes he'll sit next to Tessie and hold things blankly that she gives him, being present but not exactly playing with her. I've asked her about it but she doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I hope she doesn't start wondering why he won't play the same way he used to, in case of that I've made sure to remind her how sad he is about her mother and how tired he can be. She remembers him being tired and not being able to be around very often those last few weeks before Sophia died. So she seemed to accept that explanation. So everything seemed to be moving along, Liam making little to no progress and little daily surprises with the girls. Cailyn lost a tooth for instance. It was possibly a little premature, it had only just begun to wiggle and she banged it very hard on the door knob which knocked it straight out. Tessie grew a few inches, beginning to catch up with Cailyn. The girls have been trying to convince me to buy a kitten or a puppy or a fish or a hamster or any sort of little animal. 

So it's been quiet. Mom came up for a weekend and I caught up on some reading and we talked loads. It was relaxing. I took the girls on a day trip to a park. I took them to the zoo again one day, we went in the morning and although we didn't have the entire zoo to ourselves we still enjoyed it. You could say it was all building up until today. The calm before the storm. How it gets warm before a cold front moves in. That moment that time freezes as you fall or trip. Because it was today, May seventh that things came into a shocking turn of events...

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