Remember When ↠ l.p.

Reflection

I sit in the bathroom for far to long after my mother has left me alone. Thinking about what I blurted out without really thinking about it. Mother's right, maybe I knew all along. They say your first love stays with you in some way shape or form right? I lean my head back against the door. Maybe it's me trying to find an excuse for this or maybe it's possible to fall in love with someone you've never met and never fall out of love with them. I cover my face with the palms of my hands, this is all such a mess. 

Did I mean what I said? Yes, the more I think about it, I do want Liam to stay in our lives, after he is (knock on wood) healed or better in the slightest bit. I wanted him to better for Tessie of course, but I realize I also want him to stay in Cailyn's life too. Call it selfish but he and Louis are the first men to have played a major role in her life. I know my mother is right when she says that Cailyn needs to have a male authority figure and considering that we've moved away from mom and my step-dad...who else is there? 

I take a deep breath and stand up slowly. I open the door and walk to the side of my bed. I rest my hand on a pillow and stare at the wall. Forget whether or not it's wrong or selfish, how is this going to change things? I groan and collapse onto my bed, hiding my face from the world by burrowing into my pillows and blankets. I know my mind and I might be able to forget about things momentarily, there's constantly going to be a voice in the back of my head whenever I see Liam again. That tells me I should be ashamed for feeling this way. That I shouldn't want to bring any more trouble to him.

I roll over to lie on my back. How can I say that I'm the slightest bit in love with him when he's not even himself anymore? It's so unfair to him, he should have someone who he can start afresh with. If, if, if, if, if, if...anything were to happen between us in some crazy situation of impossibilities, would I be able to put away the memory of who he was before he changed so drastically? Will I even be able to love whoever he lives out the rest of his life as? I fall asleep with heavy thoughts and possibilities on my mind and sleep fitfully the whole night. 

I wake up several times during the night, bouncing between being too cold or too hot, too crowded by my blankets to where I would throw them all off then to the opposite, not having enough near and on me. When I finally wake up and find it's twenty minutes until six o'clock I give up on sleep and get up. My pajamas have sweat stains on them and my hair looks like one of those dolls from the 90s whose hair stuck straight up. Mother finds me in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, thirty minutes later and freshly showered. She looks me up and down and shakes her head at me. She's smirking a little but for the most part she looks serious. She beckons me over to the dining room table, pulling out the seat next to her and patting it. "Come and talk to me, you look like you need it. I admit that I guessed you would. Another thing I was right about, what do you know!" She's not smiling but her laugh lines around her eyes are on full force.

"I have no idea what I want and what I think." I admit as I sit down next to her. "I feel like ever since I said just one sentence, a handful of words, everything I thought I knew has been changed."

"Well," my mother begins "you're not the only woman who has ever felt like this. Let me tell you something about what men do to our minds..."