Remember When ↠ l.p.

Determined

It was a Friday night when I suddenly realized I was ready to sacrifice myself to my feelings again. I realized I was prepared to jump back into the real world and face things. It wasn't a particularly special moment, I wasn't inspired by a quote or something I saw on TV. I just felt like it was time. Almost like when your body tells you "okay, you need to wake up now" or "let's stop eating because you're going to puke soon if you don't." It was just one of those moments when you know.

At my great-grandmother's funeral, I wanted to stand up and say something and while I didn't have much written down I had a generally idea of what I wanted to say. I thought that it would be fine, I hadn't cried about it yet despite how often we visited her (she lived fairly close to us and we generally visited twice a week for the afternoon or so) and how close I was to her. I wasn't fully prepared for how emotional the funeral would be. The time came where the pastor presiding over the graveside service asked if anyone wanted to share anything. My mother said a little something and then I just knew it was my turn. Despite how I had been starting to well up the entire time leading up to this moment and the fear I had of everyone watching me, I just did it. It's one of those moments, the flight or fight moments I guess. I knew I would finish it once I stood up. I managed to get through it in the end, among deep breathing and a few painful sobs, I remember. I didn't care how ridiculous I'd looked and how hard it had been for me to get the words out. All I cared about was that I'd done it.

You see, I knew that if I didn't speak and say something at my grandmother's funeral I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I thought it was something important so I didn't let myself off the hook about doing it. In the end and looking back, I am a bit embarrassed, but that embarrassment is overshadowed by my relief that I did it. 

So yes, it was a moment like that where I decided that if I didn't return and if I didn't start doing things, I would be very upset with myself. And my first goal? It was to do the very thing that I would have shied away from even just a couple days ago. I was going to see Liam again. I was going to see him and get him help in rehab or somewhere. I was going to do everything within my power to regain the Liam we had before the accident. I'm going to get Tessie's father back for her. 

Short, sorry :/