Remember When ↠ l.p.

Doubt

Later that night....

Caitlyn, Louis and I are all sat around the dining room table, having small talk and enjoying a peaceful night. I'm looking around, imagining what it will be like to have Tessie back with us again when a thought suddenly strikes me. "Louis...you don't think that they'll object to me becoming Tessie's guardian when they see everything I went through, do you?" I ask.

"What, you mean all the," he motions vaguely to his head "stuff?" I nod, stuffing my mouth with the boxed macaroni and cheese we're having for dinner. He taps his chin thoughtfully. "I don't know what they look for in those background checks, if I'm honest. Could be that everything will be fine, but given what the grounds we're taking Tessie away from Liam are, there could be some complications." he puts down his fork, frowning slightly. "I actually didn't tell Colin about it, I didn't know all of what had happened to you and at the time I doubted it would matter. Thinking about it now though... Excuse me," he exits the room quickly, already having begun pulling his phone out and dialing as he rising from his seat.

I groan as I watch him go. I felt it, I knew that something would go wrong. Will my past never cease to bring me trouble? I've wished so often that I could have been stronger and prevented so much of what I went through. I could have, I feel I could have. If only I had been stronger or seen things clearer, then my present today would be less problematic. I stare at my plate, not feeling hungry any longer. Everything had been going to perfectly too, Tessie was going to come and stay with us and we were going to get Liam the help that he desperately needs. I felt like things were finally going right, for the first time since Sophia's death. And then I've screwed things up again, possibly. No...I think it's very likely. What judge would send a child away from a parent with mental issues brought on by substance abuse to live with a nanny who has only known her for half a year and has been in and out of rehab and therapists' offices?!

"Are you okay, mommy?" Caitlyn reaches over and pats my hand, bringing me out of my thoughts and back to the present moment. I sigh and reach over to cover her hand with mine.

"I've been better. I'm just worried about getting Tessie to come over again is all. I'm fine, mi hija." I try to reassure her.

"Don't worry mommy!" she scolds me. "You said that if we pray about it and have the best hopes in our heart that everything will be fine. So do that." she smiles up at me, looking adorable. "I don't like it when you're sad mommy."

I feel tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. I brush them away quickly. "Thank you mi ha," I tell her. "I don't like it when I'm sad either." I kiss her forehead and push her plate closer to her. "Eat up, you've still got dessert remember?"

"Yay!" she cries, stuffing her mouth full of a large bite. "Dessert!" she mumbles around a mouth full of food. I smile at her, feeling a little better. Maybe a call to mom tonight will help me. I can feel a niggling feeling somewhere inside, something that screams out that I'm losing control. A feeling I've felt all too often.