Remember When ↠ l.p.

Joy

For a few days, I let myself relax. I don't worry about Louis flying back to England and how we'll get along without him. I don't worry that I didn't thank him enough for all he did. I don't worry about his adoption. I don't worry about the fears he's shared with me. I don't worry about what will happen to Liam without him here. And I most certainly don't worry that I'll get a phone call hours after he's supposed to have landed, one that tells me he's died or been lost at sea. That has become a very real fear ever since Sophia's fateful flight...

I don't worry about Liam trying to take Tessie back and harming her in the process. I don't worry about Liam at all, he's a taboo subject in my mind right now. I don't worry about the fact I'll have to send Cailyn to first grade soon (that is, if I don't go with my gut, momma bear instinct and just try to homeschool her instead of giving her up to the public school system). I don't worry about my parents growing older, that I might never find a good man to marry, or about how I'm raising the girls, or any of those everyday worries you have. Taxes, bills, insurance, the corruption you hear about on the news...all the mundane things you worry about daily. I push all of that away for a few days.

I'm successful in doing so and enjoyed those days of freedom. Yes, they did come creeping back to me several times. Each time I reminded myself of all the things I have to be happy about and let myself forget and be oblivious to all of my problems, imaginary or otherwise. If I'm honest, my imaginary paranoias scare me more than my actual phobias. Spiders and heights seem to pale in comparison to my girls getting taken away or hurt. I figure that it's because those fears are scarier that I worry over them more. After all, you would hardly find me worrying about walking around because of spiders. Those phobias, spiders and such, I've heard you can face and conquer. My paranoia about my loved ones are fears I never want to have to face. It's this constant circle of not wanting to even consider the possibility such terrible things could happen and yet wanting to have at least some preparation for it that drives me crazy. I find it so hard to block it all out when I'm trying not to think or it and yet still wanting to think about it almost. Which is why it's so hard to block those fears out, yet such a relief when I actually manage to.

The girls and I had the best times, instead of staying in and watching movies like we had been doing ever since we got Tessie back, we went out places. We went to the zoo several times, much to Cailyn's delight. Of course, it wasn't as fun with school groups passing all around us and clamoring for a spot to see the lions or alligators. No, it was much more enjoyable when Liam had managed to get us the whole place to ourselves. We made do however, figuring out the best times to go and the best ways to go through the zoo. We also went some places that Tessie likes, she's quite the girly-girl and so we managed to get into Disneyland, where we met all of the princesses and rode on the rides the girls were old enough to ride. After that, our list gets a bit jumbled. We visited parks all around us, playgrounds, waterparks, indoor rock climbing (Tessie refuses to go back) and ice skating (Cailyn refuses to try it again and since Tessie is quite loyal she has agreed with this despite seeming to really enjoy it). We've gone to the library and gone to see movies.

We've honestly done it all. I'm sure there are still places that the girls would like to visit and I'm sure that they could come up with a whole list of places...but I'm content with what we've managed this week. I can't describe how happy I was to have them with me and for them to be so very happy. I can only word it as being pure joy.

Things are finally on the path to being right again.