Remember When ↠ l.p.

Everything's changing

A brisk knock can be heard throughout the apartment, announcing Tessie's arrival. It fits him, I think, as I walk down the hallway to answer the door. The knocking is sharp, but stiff and formal. It's not happy or annoying, like the doorbell might be. It's just constant and noticeable. I open the door, he hasn't shaved in a week or more and his stubble is quickly becoming a beard. I hold out my hand silently, Tessie and her bag are passed to me and he turns to leave. Not a word of greeting to me, same as he was ever since they came back. He turns to leave without kissing or even smiling at Tessie. I feel myself open my mouth to say something, but don't in the end. 

Who am I to say what the proper way to grieve is? I close the door behind him as he walks out into the gray morning, shoulders hunched and hands hanging limply at his side. I turn around and set Tessie down, giving her a slight push towards the kitchen. Inside it's much cozier than outside, there's music quietly  playing from the TV and I can hear the girls start to chatter in the kitchen. Compared to the Payne's house it looks full of life. Not their grand mansion, it looks empty and sounds echoing. The kitchen is sparingly stocked at best and the rest of the house feels like no one is occupying it. Tessie eats most dinners with us now, too. It was something that Paddy and I discussed and agreed upon when they returned. Neither of us thought that Liam should have to deal with the worry of it and neither of wanted to bother him with it, really. Someone came over (from Syco or Sony, I'm not even sure) and made arrangements for me to be paid every other week and helped me to adjust the contract I originally signed. Apparently they were going through all the people Liam employs and making sure they have a solid paycheck that is automatically being given to them. When I asked them they said they were taking precautions, from experience from situations like this. I found it odd and almost asked Liam about it, but couldn't in the end. 

I shake off these thoughts and enter the kitchen. Cailyn is wearing a mustache made of syrup and trying to make Tessie laugh. She wiggles her hands around her faces and dances while sticking out her tongue. Tessie giggles behind her hands that cover her mouth. I smile down at them and then try to wipe as much of the syrup as I can off Cailyn's face with a wet paper towel. "You're a silly goose," I tell her seriously "and we both love it, don't we Tessie?"

"Yes! I love it when you're silly Lynnie." she swings herself down from the chair and runs over to give Cailyn a hug. I've noticed she's been a bit more talkative and much more clingy since she's been back. I've made sure that we've had calm days (or as calm as it can get around here) and so far we've spent most of them at home too. She hasn't spent any days at home either, the first weekend after they were back I woke up to knocking on the front door and Liam standing there with a frown on his face as he took in my disgruntled appearance, having stumbled out of bed to answer the door. Ever since then I've expected her every morning...because while he may have kept silent that day I could read the disgust in his expression easily. It's the first time that I've ever felt beneath him, you know, in that way that some celebrities can make you feel. Like their watches or Prada shoes are worth more than you, that their time shouldn't be spent with someone on your level.

Maybe that's when I noticed how different things were starting to feel. Maybe that's when I noticed things had changed. Or when Cailyn tried to hug him when he dropped Tessie of one morning and he literally peeled her off of his legs and curled his lip. She cried for a few minutes after that, while I tried to explain to her that Liam was going through a hard time because he'd lost Sophia. To that she asked me if we could help him find her again, because she didn't like this new Liam. That made me tear up and wish it was that easy. That death would just end up in some sort of odd relocation and you could have your loved one back, if only you could find them again. I told her to just be nice to him or stay away if she didn't want to and hugged her and Tessie, who had watched the whole thing in silence.

Maybe we're just coexisting, I think as I join in on the girls' cuddle by the table. Maybe we're just trying to cope, but what else can we do. I can't change him and Tessie shouldn't ever be faced with that situation. I try to smile as they giggle and chatter. But all this death and sadness is only bringing up memories I'd hoped to bury...

I'm going to try to have a few cute, filler chapters and then get on into some harder stuff. Hopefully anyway... ;)

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