Remember When ↠ l.p.

All the little things...

After breakfast I grab a book (although I don't plan on reading in it) and my purse, everything I'll need for today. Normally I might bring a snack with me, but I want to spend as much time as I can talking to Liam today. I'm planning on going out to grab a lunch and bring it back and sit with him while I eat, instead of dining in the restaurant like I usually do. While on the thirty minute drive to the rehab facility, I dictate more items to add to my list of reasons to live. I honestly can't say that he'll find them all to be a reason to live, because I don't know all of his interests, really. I may convince myself that I know him almost as well as his family, but there are things I don't know, what if cream cheese on a bagel isn't something he likes? So I'm listing everything that pops into my head while I drive. 

~To live

(1) New albums from your favorite artist (2) The way an old book smells (3) Kittens purring (4) Dew on grass and plants in the morning (5) The shapes the clouds make (6) Managing to get a butterfly to land on you (7) The sound of snow falling that almost isn't audible (8) Singing again (9) Singing in the car with the windows or top rolled down so that the wind is blowing your hair everywhere and you can yell out the lyrics (10) The way a blanket feels when you wrap up in it right after you take it out of the dryer (11) Desserts (12) Hugs (13) Pugs (14) The feeling of accomplishment when a doodle actually turns into a good drawing (15) Smelling coffee in the morning, even if you don't drink it (16) Lazy Sundays (17) Your bed at night, during the day, when you just wake up in the morning (18) Making a child laugh (19) The way autumn smells (20) Making someone proud (21) Meeting someone new and finding out you have a common passion (22) Finally figuring out a tough question or problem (23) That first bite of food that you've been craving (24) Walking to the beach and seeing the sea stretch out as far you can see when you reach the top of the boardwalk/pier thing (25) Icing cookies (26) Homemade cooking (27) Characters you become overly attached to in a book or TV show (28) Watching people greet each other in an airport (29) Helping someone else and seeing how it affects their mood and changes their day (30) The really satisfying way that a butt curves...

The list goes on and on with random things I've thought of that make me or someone in general happy. There are some I feel he might agree with, like: loving one's bed, your pet looking up at you and you just know how much they love you, or  when you kick or throw a ball and you know as release the ball it's going to go where you want it to. So when I get to the hospital I head straight to his room. I read the list, one reason after the next, to him off of my phone. I watch his face for any sign of emotion or movement. It's nearly lunchtime when a nurse comes in to check on him. "Oh, don't mind me," she smiles kindly towards me as she begins fiddling with his IV and checking his pulse. "I'll be out of here before you know it. Don't let me bother you."

"It's fine, I was just talking to him." I turn off my phone and set it on my lap. While I know that it's not really that embarrassing, I don't want anyone to hear me talking to him and listing off reasons why he should come back. So instead, I wait and watch her as she runs through her routine. She's efficient and is finished just as quickly as she promised, only a few minutes later. 

"Do you need anything?" she asks politely, hovering by my chair on her way to exit the room "He looks fine, everything is in normal." She tells me when I don't immediately turn to look at her, instead keeping my eyes on the bed and the man in it. I nod and smile at her, finally turning my head. She seems to realize I'm not in the mood to talk and continues out.

Once she's gone I resume my reading to Liam, sometimes I'll find a point I want to elaborate on or explain a little better. So it's not as though I read through my list and I'm done within an hour. It's a long list and I'm constantly stopping to add a few more reasons that have just occurred to me. By the end of the day I can feel my voice getting hoarse, despite drinking several bottles of water. I've managed to reach the end of my list though. Through it all Liam made no move, at least, not any that I caught. I leave a little discouraged compared to my mix of hope and reality from earlier, this morning. I have a short time that I spend in my car, just crying for a few minutes. I feel much lighter afterwards and head home. I'm eager to get back and spend time with my girls. Liam's important for several enormous reasons, but so are my girls. I start the car and back out of the rehab's parking lot. I'm leaving a bit later than normal, I hope they've already eaten. As I pull out to the red light I pull out my phone to quickly call home and see how they're doing. I put the phone to my ear just as the light turns green. I turn the wheel with just one hand as I try to position my phone correctly. I'm advancing slowly when something knocks into me from behind on my left, causing me to fly forward and my phone to fall to the floor of the car.

Bit of a twist at the end there...whoops