Remember When ↠ l.p.

Restart

In the days that follow Mom keeps me in my bedroom for the majority of the time. I still answer the door and welcome Tessie in from whoever has brought here, but apart from helping with meals and watching a movie or two every other day, I've been quarantined to my room. Mom says that this is a mental thing. Ignoring it by making myself busy won't help for long and I need to sit down and deal with things.

This might not work for some people. There was a girl I knew, we connected because of our similar experiences, and she would have just driven herself mad if she didn't have something to do. While it does make me depressed to be left alone just thinking about all the terrible things that Liam told me, I'm finding that I can find a bit of peace eventually. Somewhere among all of the cringing and shrinking back from the words I've started to wonder. I've started to reason and think my way out of the self-loathing that the heinous words coax me into. I knew that I hadn't killed Sophia. That's just pure logic. But that didn't mean that I didn't feel guilty. Especially with the information that she might have been flying to Australia on my behalf.

Somewhere in those days alone in my room I began to reverse my thinking. I begin to feel defensive and very sure that it wasn't my fault. It was an accident. Nothing more than that. A terrible terrible thing that was no one's fault, something no one could have prevented. I slowly start to stop seeing Liam in such a fearful light and start pitying him. I even manage to look at the past with new eyes and begin to understand more of what I had felt and gone through. Some things I'm still not ready to discuss, even with Mom in one of our sessions. But I honestly feel like I'm making progress and overcoming so many obstacles.  

It wasn't something instantaneous, nor was it easy. It took time for me to realize that much like when I'm having a session with Mom, I need to confront my feeling and my past and just let things out instead of letting them build up and harm me. I've started taking active steps in making myself feel better and beginning to love myself again. Something he always said was a waste of time and foolish. I've taken to writing things out that I'm unhappy with and then staring at them and turning them over in my head. Or writing down a phrase that I heard that particularly hurt me. Then when I've managed to examine every angle and feel every sting, I start trying to think positively and write something next to it that solves it or is the opposite, being something encouraging or self-appreciating. And so far...it's working. Mom has plans to stay a few days longer than a week, just to give me extra time but she tells me that she thinks I'm even better than I was before I moved.

Idk I feel like this was kind of bad...I'm not always very good with words or thoughts and I'm definitely not a professional when it comes to mental torment so excuse any mistakes as I'm sure there have been many the past few chapters. I'm trying....