Remember When ↠ l.p.

Too close to home

"What are you doing there?" I ask, trying to make my tone light and nonthreatening. I don't want him freaking out on me. Seeing him like this is so odd. He's always so controlled, even when he's been drinking or is in pain.

"Where is Zee? I can't find him anywhere. Is he hiding from me again?" he questions me with an injured look. I pull him back towards the living room, shaking my head slowly while I try to come up with a reasonable excuse. I'm not even sure if Zayn is in town anymore, maybe if I called him he could talk to Liam and calm him down?

"Well um, why do you need him? Do you need him and only him or could I help you with whatever it is?"

He shakes his head strongly at this suggestion. "No, I just need him here. Zee?" he calls out, making me wince and glance towards the girls' room. I hope that Tessie isn't woken up and comes out to see Liam like this."Zee?" he calls out again.

I can't hold back from shushing him, earning a slightly pissed off look. "It's just, the girls are sleeping and I don't know that Zayn is still in town even. Is he still here Liam?" I watch him carefully, hoping he'll snap out of this at any minute. That whatever he's taken will wear off or...just anything. He stares at the floor, not saying anything for a minute.

"He's not here? Zee's gone?" he asks me quietly.

"I don't know, he might be in town still. But no, he's not in this apartment with us." I almost offer to call Zayn again but decide to hold off on it until it's absolutely necessary. After all, Liam seems to be calmer now. Paddy should be coming to pick him up at any minute too.

"Is he still in town?" Liam seems to ask himself this as he rubs his palms against his thighs. "I can't remember. I wish I could remember..."

"It's alright, maybe just let your mind wander for a bit. That helps me sometimes." I shrug and smile even thought he's not looking at me. He stares at his feet and mumbles incoherently to himself. Time goes by slowly, stretching the seconds into minutes. I fidget quietly, flipping my phone in my hand and biting the insides of my cheek. I've lost track of how long we've been sitting there in the dim light, only the lamp and the kitchen light still on when there is a soft knock at the door. I jump up to peer through the peephole. It's Paddy. I open the door and let him in quickly. He rushes over to Liam's side, he's sitting on the couch still staring at his feet, seemingly unfazed by Paddy's arrival.

"Liam?" he asks quietly. Liam lifts his head to stare at Paddy now, nodding slowly in response. Paddy lets out a sigh of relief and pulls Liam up onto his feet. "Thanks for calling me Miss Sandoval. It was a real help." Without another word he leads Liam out the door and down to what I assume is Paddy's car. I watch, slack jawed and curious as they leave into the darkness of the night.

I sleep restlessly that night. I can't seem to shut my brain off and thoughts swirl around my head about what happened tonight. I wonder what was wrong with Liam and exactly why he was acting the way he did. I won't see him again until tomorrow- er- tonight, if he's the one who comes to pick up Tessie that is. I can't be sure since he's been sporadic about picking her up. I wish Paddy would have let me know exactly what was going on with Liam, but I can understand how he would want to keep things private. Despite being his friend, or I whatever I was to Liam, I'm also his employee. And I doubt Liam would want me to know all the details, were he in his right mind. 

I try to focus on something different, how can I make things better and easier for Liam and Tessie? Maybe I could offer to pick her up or drop her off every other day. Or let her stay the night more often, both she and Cailyn would love that. I brainstorm for a few minutes but can't come up with anything else that I could possibly do to make things easier for Liam. Apart from his daughter, I have no real impact on his life and he's a man who has practically everything and anything that money could buy. Except the ability to turn back time. I cringe and roll over, I may not have the best way of dealing with grief. I tend to ignore things for ages or until I absolutely must. I didn't in the past and apparently I still don't handle situations like this well...loss and sadness. Two things that I hate in this world. I feel like I lose ground with every step I take, slipping back towards the past that is slowly catching up to me. 

This whole situation is affecting me more than it should. While it's a terrible tragedy and I had grown very attached to Sophia, this brings up so many memories and opens old wounds. It's mix of all these events that has been giving me sleeping troubles and making me try to bury myself in the girls and in the moment. If I get a minute alone to myself, my thoughts begin to eat away at my happiness. I know I should talk to someone, professional help or an old friend or even my parents, but I wouldn't want them to worry. After all, they thought that I conquered these demons years ago.

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