Remember When ↠ l.p.

How he really feels

Everyone is quiet for a brief moment after I finish speaking. I don't back away, I watch Liam's face without turning away from him. I'm not going to be shy about this anymore because I've laid everything on the line. Well, sort of any way.

I may not have taken the risk and tried to have a relationship with him, but I did share my thoughts and feeling, which makes me feel very vulnerable. I can't think of any secrets I have left and that thought brings a certain freedom and confidence. Doesn't make the whole thing any less awkward.

It's clear I'm not the only one who thinks so, Louis coughs loudly to break the silence. "What a lovely chat you two," he struggles to untangle himself from Harry's arms and legs that were wrapped around him. "but is it just me that's sleepy?" He makes a muffled, low voice out of the corner of his mouth. "Oh, what's that? You're sleepy to Harold? Brilliant, off we go!" He says, fooling no one as he pulls his amused husband out of the room behind him. 

Why he couldn't have made such an excuse and left several minutes earlier is a mystery to all of us. I turn my gaze back to Liam who watches the now empty space on the couch beside me thoughtfully. I will myself to keep still and be patient. I've said my piece and made my decision once and for all. I don't know what's worse, waiting to see his reaction or seeing him waiting for me to tell him how I felt.

So focused on not fidgeting, I almost miss when Liam gets up. I startle slightly and look up quickly when I hear his socks scuffing along the carpet as he walks towards me. A small smile tugs on his lips, alerting me that he didn't miss my wide-eyed look. He sits down on the recently vacated end of the couch, pulling one leg up onto the cushions and leaning one arm of the back of the couch so that he's turned to look at me.

"Here's the thing," he says slowly, stroking his stubble with his hand in the way he often does when he's focused on a reply. "I'm not nearly as against the idea of the two of us in a relationship as you obviously are. And," he holds up a hand to cut me off before I can even think of saying anything. "I know that you've said it's not about the idea of us it's about what we could loose, but I don't care. I'm not so ready to just give up.

"Similarly to you I've had feelings develop. I don't know what the other me thought of you, I still remember little of what happened, as you know. What I do know is how I feel now, a mixture of the past and something a little new, a little reborn since Sophia's death. Seeing you and being around you like this, like we're a family naturally brought ideas to mind that resulted in feelings. I didn't mention anything about these feelings to anyone because I thought that you weren't open to the idea. I hadn't picked up on any hints you might feel the same way and I'm not particularly the sort of guy who goes out on a limb when there doesn't seem to be a chance. Louis's slip-up was all I needed to know. At least it was until you said you didn't think it was a good idea."

"Like I've said-and told myself multiple times-we're not ready for a relationship. I'm still recovering from my last relationship, even if it was so many years ago. I don't feel like I have closure. And I don't mean to throw it in your face, but you're still in rehab. We're broken people. Therefore we should stick to what works until we can mended." I tell him quietly, wishing we could have some other reality where it made sense and would work.

"I don't think we need to wait until then. What can be broken can be fixed and who says we can't fix each other?" He scoots closer to me on the couch and tilts my chin up so he can look in my eyes. "You said you have to remind yourself that it's a bad idea, wouldn't that mean you want this just as much as I do?"

"It doesn't matter if I want it," I lean away from his fingers' grasp on my chin. "it's not what we should do."

"There's been too much talking tonight about what we should do. Sometimes you need to just feel without thinking about the wrong or right." He says in whisper as he leans in until his face is a breath away from mine. "Let's just stop thinking."