Fast Break

seventy : can you feel my heart?

‼️Anxiety, panic attacks, ptsd, depression, rage, strong language, unresolved trauma, alcoholism, anger issues.‼️

the following morning

Matthew was still sleeping, Christopher had woken up and started finding something to make for breakfast. Matthew lie on the couch, he flinched slightly, his mind was racing.

"Grayson! Come on fight back kid!"
"Stop being such a wimp Grayson!"
"Come on Grayson, I'm captain. You have to do what I say. It's just a little make out."
"They didn't even touch you! No players of mine would ever do that. You're benched for two weeks."

Matthew flinched in his sleep. All the memories from New York hockey came flooding in. He opened his eyes and gasped. His heart was racing, he convulsed on the couch trying to grasp at life. Christopher ran over to him, he straddled Matthew and grabbed his wrists to make sure he wouldn't hurt himself.

"Matthew. Listen to my voice, feel the blanket on your skin, you're not there anymore. You're safe, you're at home with me." Christopher calmed him. He loosened his grip as he felt Matthew stop shaking.
"Christopher?" Matthew asked.
"Yeah it's me babé, you're home, you're safe." Christopher wiped Matthew's tears with his bandaged hands.
"Christopher?" Matthew said.
"Yes my love?" Christopher replied.
"I'm so sorry." Matthew breathed.
"Hey," Christopher pulled him into a hug. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Like you said yesterday, we're partners, you don't have to struggle by yourself." Christopher kissed his head.
"I know." Matthew sniffled.
"You okay?" Christopher asked, he rubbed his back.
"Yeah, I think so." Matthew said.
"Tell me what you need my love." Christopher breathed.
"Can you just hold me?" Matthew asked.
"Of course." Christopher smiled.

Christopher held Matthew, they cuddled on the couch. Matthew ended up falling back asleep, it wasn't very peaceful. His mind raced once more.

"It's unnatural."
"This is only a phase Matthew. It'll pass."

With each unnerving memory and scenario playing out in his dreams, he flinched. Christopher played with his hair, trying to calm him.

"He's just going to use you like everyone else."
"He doesn't love you."
"He deserves better."

His own demons were taunting him. He woke up in a saddened and anxious state.

"Matthew?" Christopher asked. "You okay?" He asked.

Matthew got up off the couch and ran to his room, Christopher followed.

"Matthew are you okay?" Christopher asked.

Matthew was frantically searching for something. He opened all of his drawers in search of something to relieve his pain. He swung his closet doors open, rummaging through everything looking for something very specific. Christopher tried to capture his attention. Matthew gave up in his room and ran back to the kitchen. Christopher kept following. Matthew opened the liquor cabinet, Christopher quickly rushed over as he saw Matthew pull out a bottle of vodka. Matthew frantically tried to open the bottle, Christopher stopped him.

"Matthew." Christopher grabbed the bottle.
"Give it back." Matthew commanded.
"Matthew, it's me. Christopher, your boyfriend. I'm not letting you drink two seconds after waking up." Christopher said.
"Please give me the bottle." Matthew pleaded, he tried to reach for it.
"Baby, talk to me." Christopher's expression saddened.
"I just want to take a shot and I'll be okay!" Matthew raised his voice.

He realized he had yelled. His expression shifted, he felt so bad. Christopher's heart sank, he wasn't going to say anything but It reminded him of childhood.

"Chris, I-I didn't mean to yell, I'm-" Matthew stuttered.
"I'm sorry, I-i" Christopher stammered. "I am going to remove myself from this situation, i will be in my car." Christopher breathed.
"Chris please." Matthew begged.
"No, i don't think I'll be able to restrain myself or take back anything I say if I don't calm down first." Christopher replied.

Christopher walked out to his car and sat in it. The cold leather touched his skin, he stared out trying to ease the rage that welled up inside of him. He choked back the tears. He gripped the wheel and affirmed himself.

"He didn't mean to raise his voice." Christopher breathed in. "You don't know the whole story." Christopher tightened his grip. "You don't know what's going on inside of his head as much as you want to." He exhaled. "Let him explain. He's your boyfriend and he didn't mean to raise his voice." Christopher took a deep breath.

He collected himself and composed himself. He sat there for a bit. He walked back inside, he saw Matthew standing on the deck out back. The bottle of Vodka was no where in sight. He walked out onto the deck.

"You ready to tell me what's going on in that head of yours?" Christopher asked.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I know that that isn't your favorite thing and I shouldn't have reached for the alcohol." Matthew rambled.
"Matthew, hey." Christopher ran his fingers through Matthew's hair. "Baby, I know you didn't mean to yell." He cooed.
"My brain is just so loud. All the memories are mixed with every terrible thought I've ever had and they're manifesting as nightmares." Matthew sighed.
"Baby, have you told anyone?" Christopher asked.
"You're the only one." Matthew wiped his tears.
"Not even Spencer?" Christopher asked.
"Not even Spencer." Matthew replied.
"Its okay my love. I know it's hard, you don't have to suffer alone anymore." Christopher placed his hand atop of Matthew's. Christopher gave him a reassuring smile. "As for the alcohol, babe you gotta get a better coping mechanism." Christopher teased.
"You can give me shit when you stop punching trees." Matthew responded.
"Low blow!" Christopher joked, he was always trying to get Matthew to smile. Matthew did smile at that. "There's the smile I love." Christopher smiled at him.
"What's wrong with us?" Matthew asked. "You're bandaged up from assaulting a tree and I'm trying to drink my problems away." Matthew sighed.
"Well, I think it's the childhood trauma that bonds us." Christopher joked again.
"You got that right." Matthew laughed.
"How's about we go out for breakfast? My treat." Christopher rested his head on Matthew's shoulder.
"It's always your treat." Matthew teased. "But I will happily oblige." He smiled.
"There's my boy." Christopher smiled back.

They went out for breakfast. They talked and cheered each other up. Life wasn't easy, neither of them had an easy run. Alas, they helped each other with their issues everyday. They healed each other in a way, they felt deeply connected to one another.