Cindy's POV
Oh my god- what the hell?!
Why did I do that?
I froze up in front of the girl Matt pointed out. I need air. No I don't, I only have a matter of time before first period starts. One thing at a time. This is more important. We need new girls.
But oh my god she was... pretty? Beautiful?
It doesn't even sound right trying to describe her or any girl. I can call Mariana cute, pretty and the girls on the cheer squad beautiful- but we're all friends... this is different.
Why is it different and she's a girl as well?!
What the hell is this?
I can call my female friends pretty and compliment them 24/7 but acknowledging this one girl as pretty is like being dared to say you're an atheist in the middle of a catholic gathering.
Am I jealous?
No- i would know if I'm jealous.
"Earth to Cindyyyyy," Matt pokes the center of my forehead and I slap him clean across the face.
"Okay, you're gonna have to stop doing that because that shit is actually pissing me off," he rubs his cheek in annoyance.
"Yeah, whatever. I don't care," I rolled my eyes.
"M&M's" I called out to Mariana and she flips her hair as she turns around.
"Doesn't Olly have class down the hallway that girl earlier just walked down in?" I tried to figure out the angle I had from this.
"I mean, I didn't get a good look at the girl but I can do my best to describe her and tell Olly to hang around a bit. But I'm pretty sure that'll be creepy because she definitely looks new here and it's like we're stalking her," Mariana grabs her phone from her purse.
"Nahhhhhh I gave olly a few of the flyers. Olly can scout her as well," Matt pats my shoulder supportively.
I brushed his hand off of me and made my way over to Mariana for my latte.
"Hey, why did you hesitate?" Mariana looked concerned and confused. She saw that?
"I wish I knew... I have a therapy session to catch, just leave the booth set up so people can come and go with the flyers as they please. We can send them out just by looking at them later in the gym," I instructed and Mariana nodded. The good friend that she is.
Making my way back to my car, I brushed my fly aways from my face and looked in the review mirror, "why did I hesitate?"
I buckled up and looked at my watch. I'll have plenty of time before lunch and then the end of the day I will decide which of our girls need to be put on the chopping block and fight for their worth.
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"Breath in, and breathe out," my therapist instructs me.
"I do that on a daily basis," I muttered and she sighs.
"What's been going on lately," she readjusts the sleeves to her coat.
I thought about it for a moment but it just made me angry. I always knew I was in denial, but to think I'd be put to the test sooner than expected.. I thought it'd be understandable if I felt like this and acted on it in college. It's part of the experience; try new things.
But now?!
I have to lead my squad into another reigning victory and our last battle of carrying the championship title in state and number 3 in nationals. I cannot get caught up in a tempting curiosity.
"Cindy?"
"What!" I snarled and realized I gripping the the armrests of the sofa so hard, my nails left a mark in them.
"Talk to me, what happened?" my therapist sips on her tea.
"Th- I saw a girl today..." I spoke softly.
Tears were streaming down my cheeks and my face started getting all hot. I don't even know why I'm crying- I do, but still.
"Why are you crying?"
"I don't fucking know!" I retorted angrily and I could see my mascara stain my clothes.. great.
"Cindy, I can't help you if you don't talk to me. Please meet me halfway. I already know the answer, but can you acknowledge that you know it as well?" She starts talking that therapy talk.
"Fine!.. I'm scared, alright? It's just- it's a sin and I'm not suppose to be attracted to girls. I'll admit I find girls attractive but not as attractive as her- oh my god I'm going to hell!" I scrunched up my hair and I saw a reflection of myself from the glass coffee table. I look so ugly.
"Cindy, it's natural to have these feelings, don't be so harsh on yourself. I'm sure she finds you attractive as well. Have you two talked?" My therapist insists.
All I did was stare at her as her hand was out waiting to receive a flyer but I was so caught up in looking at her, I think she thought I was glaring.. maybe that's why she walked away.
Good. Good for her.
She did me a favor by doing that. I don't need to be around a person who makes me feel so weak and powerless.
My purse vibrates next to me and I excuse myself to check on who's the message from:
Mariana: you're not gonna believe this, Olly found her and gave her the flyer!
My face scrunched as more tears began to fall.
I think my therapist knew what was going to happen and she took off her glasses and casually holds two throw pillows to each side of her head as I scream at the top of my lungs, "YOU'VE GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!"
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