Heartbreak Hotel (Editing)

Liyah's Journal

May 11, 1983

Dear Journal,

Have you ever experience that feeling deep in your heart where it's like it is throbbing with such unbearable pain? You know, that pain that makes you want to cry, scream, and punch at the dry walls around you in rage; but, no matter how you try, you can't cry those tears, scream those words, or punch those walls, you just can't? This is how I feel at this particular moment. I wanna just break. Fall into thousands of pieces and be swept away.

I wonder why I allow myself to get this way. Why I allow myself to run in the same damn situation, over and over and over again. What is there possibly to learn from this. All of this, it all just seem incoherent, misunderstanding. I thought I was over it all. I thought it was all done. That it had ran its course, but I was wrong.

You know, pain is like a sickness. It comes back and demolishes your energy. your strength, your hope. And you yourself, is like your immune system. You go through hell trying to fight it off. I feel like I've been trying to fight the memories and the pain for years, and even when I feel like it is all gone and I am well again, it all just comes back once more as if it was hiding in the depths of my soul waiting for me to just step back before it attacked. On top of that, it doesn't just come back either. The bitch comes back ten times as hard! I don't get it. I don't get how life is supposed to be so wonderful when it's filled with so much hurt and so much pain. Why is it that way? These people can't possibly think that happiness is something that is easy to gain. No way, that can't be it. If it is, these people in this world are damned stupid and they should know it.

I wish I could be happy. I mean, I have moments where the sun shines upon and I'm showered with the kisses of life. Those moments don't last very long, do they? I don't wanna just open myself completely to anyone because I have to watch myself. Watch myself and shield myself with armor so I am not hurt. I can't dare to let anyone in through my walls. They will do nothing but take advantage of it and ruin me. Leaving me on a cold stone floor to drown in the depths of my own tears. I can't do that. No! I've seen it happen too many times to think that it wouldn't happen again. I have to keep myself protected from the hurt. I can't go back to that hurt. In this life the only thing I knew was hurt. Heartache and pain, and I don't know what I would do if I had to face it again. My life has been filled with the dark whispers of demons whispering in my ears, and a blistering cold breeze rushing through my soul. Loneliness was the only thing that had accompanied me as it wondered outside my bedroom.  That, and pain. Now that I have had a taste of what happiness is, the hurt that I feel now burns deep within me, worse than it ever have before.

I refuse to have to suffer again. I refuse to have that again. If all those fake people can go and have happiness, why can't I? Am I just doomed to live through misery for the rest of my life? Is that what I'm meant to do? Just life through misery? If so I won't except it. I refuse to except. I want my happiness. I want my joy. I want my love. I've traveled too far, trying to change this lonely life to stop now. I will change it and I will find that light. I will look beyond a horizon and find happiness blowing through the pores of my skin. I will do that if it is the last thing that I do.

And that is a promise.

Liyah