Heartbreak Hotel (Editing)

Liyah's Journal

February 28, 1984

"I'm looking for myself sober."

For some reason, the thought still exists in my head, and I can't let it go. I can't understand what us about that simple sentence that has my mind obsessing over it. I think of it at least twenty times a day, and I get no where with it. I feel that it has a deeper meaning. I can feel it nudging at my brain, but it's not coming out. It's really frustrating. I mean, here in a letter she wrote me, she's telling me that she's looking for herself sober, and I'm still trying to figure out why I feel this good sober.

I don't know....this is wrecking my brain.

Anyways, I've been thinking of baby names. That's another thing that's been frustrating me. I can't think of one. I want something that has meaning to it. Like my name: The highest, most exalted one. But it's not like baby names just fall from the sky. Not names like that anyway. I want something different. Something original. Something that was rare, but I'm having hell trying to find one. One of the main reasons why I wanted her to be a boy. I could just name her after Michael and be done with it.

Another thing that's been heavy in my mind is De of course. I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that she...out of all people...fell into the normalcy and mediocrity of the fame life. That dark side that Michael had warned me about so many times about. When I look at her. I can tell she's trying to get her act together. She has shown up for rehearsals. She has all the steps down for the show and she being cooperative. But I can still see the struggle in her eyes. I can still see her slipping away. I can tell she's struggling to stay sober. And everything that she's been doing is just for pretend.

-Liyah