Heartbreak Hotel (Editing)

Aj's Journal

February

My psychiatrist wants me to write a confession down every day. Apparently she has came across the conclusion that I am responsible for almost every thing that is miserable in my life. I'm not a big fan of this woman. She makes me feel like a complete idiot. She has found all my soft spots that breaks me. I feel so weak when I'm around her, and not in a good way. She makes me feel more pain than I've ever felt.

So here it goes:

Confession #1: I made a mistake letting Michael go, thinking that I needed to do this on my own. I do need him. I miss him.

There's a voice screaming from within, and it's begging just to feel again. I can't find who I am without him near me. I'd give anything to live, because without him I don't exist. He was the only one who saved me from myself. I abandoned our love and laid it to rest just to find myself, but now I'm the one of the forgotten

I have shadows growing in my mind. Ones I thought I left behind. I'm not strong enough to pay this ransom. Now another monster crawled inside; I swear I saw it it die. I need him to save me from the nothing I've become.

I'm not myself anymore. Feel like I'm someone else. Need you in my life again.

2-13-80

Confession #2: I let agony take over me after it happen. I stead of letting go, and it has me. .

Dear Agony,

It was because of you that I had nothing left to give, you were the reason why I had found the perfect end. You were made to make it all hurt until I disappeared into the dirt. I wanted to be carried to heavens arms, just light the way and let me go. You took  your precious time to take my breath. I would've ended where I began.

Now I search for the enemy within, but now I see she's been crawling underneath my skin.

I have come to realize my mistakes. I am beginning to see world in a different perspective. So Agony, let me go. I have suffered slowly. This isn't the way it has to be. Please, don't bury me.

I don't want to be my own faceless enemy.

-Liyah

2-14-80

Confession #3: All those times I was cutting myself thinking that was the only way I could numb my mental pain. In reality, at the end of the day I was hurting myself more than the memories and my own mother was.

2-15-80

Confession #4: I am a very selfish person.

2-16-80

Confession #5: I am the reason for every ounce of pain that has been poured into my soul between the ages of ten and now, eighteen.

Confession #6: I have issues with forgiveness

Confession #7:  I lost myself.

Confession #8: It's all my fault. I should've forgave her, but I need explanations. Why did  allow it to happen?

Confession #9: I've been living to die.

Confession #10: I'm too afraid to face the heartbreaking truth.

2-17-80

Confession #11: I can't face the dark with out him...but I know I have to do it for him and for me.