Heartbreak Hotel (Editing)

Chapter 53: Aj vs. Liyah

I love him. Those words came to me often. Every second it seemed. It made an appearance in my brain and I found myself thinking of him like crazy. Whether it was some of the annoying things he told me regarding to my selfish ways. Or it was just me thinking about the next time I will be seeing him. He was there.

Those words, I love you, are words I never fully understood. Hell, I didn't even know what love was. I know I say that often, but this is the truth. I literally don't know what love is. At all. Period. All I know was that it was there...deep inside my stomach someplace where I didn't even know existed; feeling all fuzzy and warm inside my core. It was there. There was no doubt about that. Oh, it was there alright - and it was strong.

With it there nothing else mattered to me. Not the somber of the broken wonderers on the damped streets at night. Not the soft cries from an old lonely heart, sobbing for its love to come back. Not the the grief of a mother who had just lost its only child. Not the fears of a motherless child hiding within the shadows of the cities. None of that mattered to me. All that mattered to me was that he was there. He was there and he held me in his loving arms, no one could love me more than he did.

After the way he had made love to me that night, I feel in love with him harder than I was before. It was on a whole different level. One that had me on cloud nine. After that night we couldn't keep our hands off each other no matter where we were. When we were around other people we were right under each other, every now and then sharing a kiss or two. When we were alone it was different. There were lamps being knocked over, mannequins, make up and perfumes being pushed off the dresser and unto the floor. It was crazy love.

Marriage is something that often came up in our conversations. A lot. He kept giving me more and more explanations as to why we should, but I did not feel like I was ready. Apart of me was actually against the whole thing. It's not that I didn't want to it was the fact that there was still apart of me holding me back. Apart of me that I had been trying to fight against since rehab. The whole thing about me being in love is something that she did not like. She wanted things to be back the way they used to be. She hate changes.

Many people would call me crazy and accuse me of having a mix personality disorder. That wasn't exactly the case. When I came to California - no when I met Michael I began to change instantly. I just didn't realize until I was in rehab. The way I see it...the moment he began calling me Liyah is when Aj began to and disappear fade away into nothing. Aj was someone who was dull, very, very dull. With an emotion as dull as a grey crayon. She was selfish, insensitive, didn't care about anyone but herself. She had became so immune to everything that being hurt began to be something that she expected from people. Which is why I found it so hard to be open to Michael. Liyah on the other hand, sees life in a different perspective. She understands that things in life happens for reason and that sometimes you just have to let go and forgive and forget.

I felt as though I'm torn in between a fight between Liyah and Aj - good vs. evil. It feels like Armageddon of the brain. I want to go on with my life with Michael and have my career and accept whatever else I had coming my way. I was tired of the pain. I was tired of being hurt. I was tired of having a life full of nothing bit disappointments. I was just tired of being tired. In my whole life there has only been heart ache and pain and I did not want to face that again. But the Aj in me doesn't want that. She wants everything the way it was before.

I didn't know why.

I was sitting in my apartment Flipping through my journal with my hair in rollers and my make up fully done. My legs were crossed in front of me in dark black skinny jeans. This is something I did often - flipping through my journal, that is. I didn't know why did it. It was beyond depressing looking at all those old entries. A lot of it was poetry and personal thoughts. I usually read until I got to point where I was on the verge of tears. This time it wasn't like that. I just read them and moved on to the next with no problem at all.