Heartbreak Hotel (Editing)

Chapter 101: Take Caution When It Comes To Love

A long time ago, about six years ago, someone told me that I should take caution when it came to love. I don't remember who said, or where I was when I was told. I just remember someone saying, "Just remember to take caution when it comes to love." I didn't know what they meant at the time. I was young, wounded, and broken. I didn't know what love was, and I had no intention on learning about what it was either. Love was something I didn't understand, it was something that I hated. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. The thought of it made me sick, and I thought that I was better off alone. So taking caution when it came to something I cared absolutely nothing about didn't make much sense to me.

Now that I'm older. And I have grown to learn what love is and how it works,  it makes sense to me now. I look back on everything. How I treated those I love, and how they've treated me and realized that none of them ever really took caution when it came to the love we had for each other. When Michael and I were younger, we didn't take caution. That was probably why we were always at each others throats anytime we argued. That was the reason why I thought he would hurt me when he had no intention of doing it. I didn't take caution. I didn't take caution when it came to De and her issues. If I would've took the time to notice that something was wrong with her, I would've helped her. No caution was taken there either. Not JoJo or Leena either. Sasha didn't take caution with me so many years ago when I was a quiet and somewhat out of control teenager. If she had, she would've known I was abused. I would've gotten the help that I needed, and none of the emotional problems I've had wouldn't have existed. All the people I've hurt would've been left unharmed. There was no caution taken place between any of us. If there was, everything that has been going on could've been prevented.

I've always been what you called "book smart" and I do have what they call "street smarts", as well. But there is one thing that I was lacking in my common knowledge and that's " love smarts "-if that's even a thing-I didn't know how to love anybody, and if I did love someone I let fear get in the way of that. I wasn't the easiest person to love, and that was because I didn't know how to love anybody. So how could I possibly take caution to something that I didn't know a damn thing about?

Becoming a mother has changed my life completely, and I now see things in ways I didn't even know were possible. I am cautious when it comes to Ariana Rose, being absolutely sure I don't hurt her in anyway or form, even though she's only four months old. I don't want anyone around her who I think will hurt her. My whole personality has become completely defensive ever since her birth, and red flags go up every time I bring her around someone I don't know. Maybe I am paranoid. I don't know. It's just that I know the pain and the heart ache I had gone through, and I know how it started. I know that she will have to hurt, I know she will have to lose. I know I can't hide her from the faults of this world, but I want to keep her safe and sweet. I want her to know that if things do ever become too hard for her, she can run back into my arms. I want her to know that I will always be there. No matter what her life have in store for her.

I don't want her to have to suffer.

The day was strangely dark, the sky was covered with dark grey clouds that seemed deadly. Unusual weather for California. I was running along the beach and the tides were tame, rushing unto the shore as they usually did. They weren't hard and aggressive as they usually were when it stormed which told me that I should be okay as I continued my daily jog. There was supposed to be a storm coming, but that wasn't supposed to happen until the day after tomorrow. It had been this way all week. I remember my grandmother telling me a long time ago that if the sky is darkened for more than a day something bad was supposed to happen. I believed it when I was younger, but I now I thought it was just silly. Yes, in movies the weather do represent what the mood of the story. If it's a sunny day, good things happen. When a funeral is being portrayed, the sky is usually dull and doleful. If someone is about to be killed, it's usually storming. But life isn't a movie, weather happens whenever and however it wants to. So I doubt anything bad was gonna happen. I've had bad things happen to me on sunny days.