It's been a long day at the hospital today. The other doctors (i.e. everyone other than Dr. Madison, who still rankles my nerves) have said that if Liam doesn't wake or make significant progress soon...well they said to begin to prepare for the worst. If they don't see some sort of response from him, they'll take any sort of movement, they think he'll only go downhill. I protested to this, if they got all of the drugs out of his system and so quickly, then why is he still in this coma and about to tip over the point of no return? They all gave me sympathetic looks and patting my shoulder as they left, telling me that it might be that he doesn't want to wake up. It's said that people can hang on when they're close to death or in a coma. Their family is brought in to reassure the patient that it's okay to die and to leave. The doctors seem to think it's a similar situation and that if we could perhaps convince him to stay he would wake up. They say with each day his brain activity drops and they work to keep him alive more and more as his body seems to be shutting itself down.
I desperately wanted to keep Tessie out of the hospital and spare her from having to see Liam like he is now. But now it looks like I may have no choice. She's the one thing that I can think of him really wanting to live for and who he would fight to live for. So I'll bring her in tomorrow or they day after tomorrow. I still feel like he'll come back on his own, that he'll find the will to somehow. But what if he doesn't feel that way anymore? I forget, because I never really saw him as badly as they say he got after Sophia's death. I saw him when he was still in shock. I didn't see him after he realized that this was his reality and he couldn't forget or change her death.I didn't seem him when he wouldn't eat or speak to anyone and they were so worried that they put him on the first antidepressant that the doctor prescribed. It's hard for to imagine the old Liam giving up, but I suppose that what I refer to still in my head as the "real" Liam wouldn't be himself anymore either.
This realization has been weighing upon me since this afternoon. I'd be lying if I said I haven't cried a little since then and that it hasn't drastically darkened my mood. This morning I left feeling hopeful that today might be the day, like I do each morning. I'll be returning with the words of those doctors weighing over me. Whether they said it directly or not, they informed me that if he didn't wake up within the next four days, there wasn't much of a chance he ever would. That there wouldn't be anything they could do eventually and that we might as well give up on him if we get to that point. I wasn't ready for that, yes, I knew that it wasn't good he hadn't woken by now. I knew it was bad that he hadn't woken up on that first day...but I still ignored anything and everything that implied it might come to this.
"Are you okay?" Mother asks a little concerned. "You've barely eaten or said anything!" She sits at the other end of the table, the girls in between us, one on each side to minimize food on the table and sticky stains on clothing. I swallow thickly and glance down at my plate, which is still full of peas, rice and chicken. I shake my head slowly and frown, pushing back my chair.
"I'm just not hungry. We can talk later," I pointedly look at the girls. She takes the hint and encourages them to finish their dinner as I begin to clear the table. The rest of the evening I force smiles and take comfort in Cailyn's cuddling skills. With all the time I've spent at the hospital compared to how I used to spend all day, every day with my girls I've begun to miss them quite a lot. I feel like I'm missing out on their everyday life. Mother had to tell me that Tessie actually decided last week that she does like mangos when I started to move the mangos that were on her plate to Cailyn's. Logically, I know that I'm not missing that much. It's different from when children are little and are discovering everything for the first time and having so many firsts (first words, first time trying a certain food, first time seeing a dog, and so on and so on), but I can't help but feel a little disconnected from them. You wouldn't think that leaving your house and just sitting at the hospital for half of the day would wear you out so much and make you so...off. I get tired from being with Liam and I come home in a gloomy or melancholy mood that leaves it almost impossible to play with the girls. A few times they have helped to improve my mood, but normally their playing loudly causes me to get a headache or tires me even more and I end up feeling disappointed in myself.
The one thing that hasn't changed is putting them to bed, whether it's watching or helping them bathe before bed and brush their teeth or reading to them as they lay quietly cuddled up together. It calms me to do something that hasn't changed from before and by then I'm nearly as sleepy as they are. I've fallen asleep while reading to them once, in fact. So as much as mother offers to help me, I insist on doing it myself. Tonight I let her help me though, for some reason it's not as calming as usual. It might be because every time that I look at Tessie I feel the overshadowing threat of Liam's death. The desperation to take her to see him tomorrow and the last sliver of hope begging to wait just another day or two to see if he'll wake up.
Our talk is short tonight, the girls are put to bed and I've already gotten dressed in my pajamas and crawled underneath the covers. I doubt I would sleep well tonight if I weren't so exhausted from worrying and crying today. I get right down to the point as soon mother closes the door behind her. "They told me he has four days. Four more safe days and after that, if he's still not woken up there won't be much more they can do." I sigh and close my eyes as I lean back against the headboard.
"Why? I thought that they could keep someone on life support for a longer period of time than a week and a half!" Mother protests in indignation as she sits down next to me.
"His brain is shutting itself off, I think they said. Or his whole body is and it's just not going to work anymore. They say they could leave him on life support but he wouldn't wake up and eventually it would get to where there wouldn't be a point." I frown "Or so they say. I couldn't make that choice."
"That's terrible..."
"I feel so...useless. I came in that day he when he attempted to kill himself and I thought, he's fine. He tried it but he was unsuccessful so he'll be fine. He'll wake up surely. I didn't allow myself to think that he would fight this hard...to die!" I chock on the last bit, a tear rolling down my cheek.
"Don't give up that hope, he might still be fine Isabella. We can't know that he won't wake up tomorrow. Don't think of it in a negative light, think of it as we still have four days to fight. And we're going to be bringing everything we can to this fight." She pulls my face up to look me straight in the eyes. "It's taken this long for my daughter to finally listen to me and fall in love with someone. I'm not about to let him die and escape marrying here. Oh no, I've waited to long for this."
It's that that pushes me over the edge. I'm crying and laughing at the same time, because as ridiculous as it seems, I know she's serious in some sort of way. It's a mix of her humor to demonstrate that she's going to help me fight to give him a will to live...but there's a small part of her that is serious about not letting this boy die after I've finally decided on him.
"Thank you," I whisper as I wipe the tears away and smile for the first time since I met with the doctors.
HOW GOOD IS Drag Me Down???? I absolutely love it and I'm so proud of our fandom and our boys. 1) because we got the single the record of getting to #1 on iTunes the quickest and 2) the boys made an amazing track and have shown the world that even though they lost a brother more or less, they still love their jobs with a passion.