The failed experiment (Bucky x reader)

Dancing in the kitchen

When you got back, you started marinating the steaks playing the music low and dancing around the kitchen while you chopped up some of the vegetables. You put them in a container, and started on making sandwiches for lunch since no one had come in yet. You made a large fruit salad with it, singing and dancing while cutting up the fruits and tossing them into a bowl. You were just finishing up as a new slow song came on by JP Saxe "A little bit yours", you felt a hand on your waist and you turned around quickly to see a smirking Bucky. He took one of your sticky hands without a thought and started dancing with you in the middle of the kitchen. You stared into his bright blue eyes, and smiled at him, leaning a bit more into him putting your head on his shoulder.
"I couldn't let you keep dancing by yourself" he whispered into the top of your head. Your stomach was full of butterflies. "Not the most romantic song though" he chuckled.
"I'd dance with you any day" you spoke without thinking, and felt your face heat up. He put you into a twirl, then pulled you back close to him again. You kept your gaze on his and giggled in spite of yourself.
"It was my turn to make lunch" he whispered against your ear, and you involuntarily shivered.
"I was prepping supper, and it only took a moment" you breathed huskily looking up at him.
"You'll have to let me help with supper now" he chuckled resting his forehead against yours.
"I can't argue with that" you felt like your face was hurting with how much you were smiling. The song finally ended, and you slowly pulled away. You heard someone take a bite out of an apple and turned around to see Tony grinning ear to ear.
"Good job Tin man. Glad to see the inhibitors work for dancing too" he chuckled.
"Lunch is ready" you stammered out, and Bucky went to get the dishes and you went to wash your hands. "How is the jet coming?" you looked over your shoulder at Tony, who just shrugged.
"I'm still assessing the worst of the damage first" he lied.
"You already did that before you went to get parts" you started putting the fruits into different bowls.
"There was some I didn't see" he shrugged innocently, and you raised an eyebrow at him.
"Your still procrastinating" you chuckled, and handed him his sandwich and bowl of fruit while Bucky called everyone in.

"I do believe I was promised a spar session today" Natasha reminded you once you had finished lunch and were sitting on your swing with a bottle of water. She was sitting next to you, while Bruce and Tony were working on the dishes.
"With inhibitors, right?" you looked at her seriously.
"To start, but you need to train without them to get used to your focus" she nodded.
"Good, because I don't want to hurt anybody. Ground rules, three hits and its over" you stood up heading to the field, noticing Leia, Chewy and Harry had been watching the forest closely today. A feeling started to make a knot in your stomach, but you ignored it. Might be squirrels or something. Or wildlife even.

You and Nat sparred for a good twenty minutes, when she had you knocked on your back and you grinned. "I yield" you let her help you up.
"You let me win, don't think I'm stupid. Now without the inhibitors" she double tapped each of your wrists and flames started sparking your fingers and going up your arms.
"I don't think this is a good idea" you tapped them again.
"What made you so hopeful?" she took a step closer to you.
"I feel happy, not hopeful" you thought about it for a moment, feeling confused. She double tapped them again, and the flames started again.
"Start by clearing your mind" she was close, and could feel the heat coming off of you. You looked over at the cabin and start smiling looking at Bucky who was on the steps watching. The flames started going down your legs and along your body. "Stop looking at lover boy, and look at me" you heard Nat whisper to you. You looked at her. "Now concentrate. You need to control this part of you" she was right. You closed your eyes, and started breathing slowly in through your nose, and out through your mouth. The song "Welcome to my dark side" by Bishop Briggs came on, and you focused on the words and the melody. You started taking all of your happy thoughts and compartmentalizing them. You took all the negative thoughts that came up and compartmentalized those as well. They had no business here. You needed to appear normal. You found your focus, and your body language changed back to the same way it was when they had all first met you. Your face was a careful mask and the flames were gone. There was no shimmer left, only the husk of yourself that you had previously been.
"Don't let me win again. Keep your focus" she seemed sad asking you to do this, but you both knew it was necessary until you found a way to control it better.
She aimed a punch at your face, and you took it instead of blocking it. You kept yourself neutral, but you felt the fire come back into your eyes. She took a step back, and then went to go for a kick which you blocked and tossed her leg to the side throwing her off balance. You caught her arm, getting her upright and she went for another punch which you easily blocked. You feigned a kick to her side, and when she went to block it, you threw yourself forward and punched her in the stomach knocking the wind out of her. She came at you faster, but you blocked them with ease. You made a second kick, knocking her feet out from under her. She blocked your punches as you started going faster. She finally got a kick in your ribs pushing you back away from her. Your hands shimmered with frost for a moment while you took a few breaths in and held up a hand for her to stop for a moment. Your face remained impassive, while you focused on pushing back the negative thoughts. You had a moment of remembering being punched while in those stupid chains.
"Y/N?" Nat asked while frost started surrounding you a bit.
"Just give me a minute please" you kept your eyes closed.
"You were good at this a few days ago" she came closer touching your shoulder, and the frost starting turning into flames.
"Back up" you warned her, pulling away quickly. "I was good at holding my emotions before. Being around all of you has changed that, making this harder to do" you kept your eyes closed and started focusing on putting each memory and thought away, wiping your mind blank. Be the person that you were meant to be, someone no one could notice or see. You breathed in a long steady breath, and felt the flames go away again. "Again" you looked up, and she saw your eyes were empty just like before.
"Just hold onto that, one more hit" she backed up and readied herself. You flew at her in a frenzy of kicks and punches that were intended to be non-lethal. You weren't focused on hurting her, only getting her to punch you. You wanted her to punch you. You wanted to feel alive like you had before this started. Earlier when you were fighting, it was fun and playful when you let her win. Your heart wasn't in this. You didn't want to be that empty person anymore. You liked feeling happy, feeling free from your demons that assaulted you almost every night.
"Stop, you're not trying" Nat jumped back. "Try and hit me already" she growled at you. Feeling frustrated that she called you out on it. You jumped and threw yourself on top of her shoulders, throwing her to the ground, with a light punch on the arm before you jumped off. You panted looking at her, feeling so empty. "Good, you did it" she nodded at you with approval.
You looked away crossing your arms, feeling so dead inside. You did as she asked, and you put yourself back to who you were when they first met you.
"Come to the jet" Tony walked over studying your face and leading you away. You followed him closely and he put a few sensors on your forehead and chest and ran a scan on you. He frowned while looking at the screens, then looking back at you. He took out his phone and turned on some music you knew was on one of your playlists, but you held firm on being as empty as possible. Bruce came in and started looking at the computer screens. Nat walked in, looking confused.
"What are you doing Tony?" she asked coming up to you, looking worried.
"It's a theory we came up with while you were sparring. I think we were right" Bruce answered for him. Nat touched your shoulder and sparks came out of your hands, but quickly died out. The scans beeped loudly for barely a second. "When you faked your death, did you start with frost, or flames?" he looked at you seriously.
"Frost" you looked down. "Then turned it into flames like I did at the compound"
"Its not about fear or hope" Tony shook his head. "Your brain scans make more sense now. We should modify the inhibitors"
"What is it then?" Nat asked for you, while you looked at the ground trying to keep yourself as empty as possible.
"The parts of her brain that are triggered, weren't matching. We were thinking that it had to do with what Hydra did, but we were wrong. Its about anger, and sadness and joy... what makes her happy. Right now, she's only projecting fear. If you look here, this is the only active part of her brain right now" Tony explained while recalibrating the inhibitors.
"I'm going for a run" you turned and walked out quickly, rushing past everyone that was sitting out in the yard. They had been watching the sparring match, but couldn't tell what was wrong. You took off down the jogging path in your jeans, not caring that you were uncomfortable. You picked up your speed, jumping over each obstacle, making your muscles burn and your chest hurt like your lungs were going to give out. You didn't care. You needed to get away. You started thinking about what Hydra had done to you, and felt so angry. You remembered the real reason they called you the blue phoenix. Much like when you could encircle yourself in a bubble of flames, you could fly with your frost as well only with that, it was wings. The frost burns from the wings were what stopped you from doing that during any training exercise around anyone. Except for when they forced you. Being angry or sad made sense. You let the memories come back because you were alone. Instead of turning right into the forest, you took a left to the river creating an ice bridge as you ran across it. You didn't care right now, you needed to get away. You didn't want to hurt anyone, and right now you couldn't trust yourself to feel anything but sadness. You ran into the forest on the other side of the river and started jumping through the trees dancing with them, feeling the wings starting to form, and your hair started to turn to the frost blue like Hydra always liked. You saw more claw marks, they seemed so familiar, and it was starting to nag at the back of your mind. The frost started to go away, as you realized what they reminded you of. One of the other enhanced, that had gone very dark and very much liked it. He had been a shapeshifter, his favorite had been a werewolf, and he was just as vicious as one. You remembered he would toy with his targets before killing them. Making them think they were safe, and continue to track them. Make them beg for death in the end while he bit their throats out. But that was impossible. They were supposed to be dead. You killed them. It had to be a bear. You stopped running slowly and took in the scene around you. You saw bear paw prints, and relaxed a little. You walked quite a distance away from the river by now, and found a fallen tree to sit on. You needed the time to think.
"If I have to always be afraid to keep people safe, then I don't want to be me anymore" you sighed more to yourself. You knew that your best chance at ever being a human being was going with the avengers. Leaving this behind, where they could continue to help you. But that also meant being around people almost all the time, and you weren't sure you were ready for that kind of step. You put your two hands in front of you letting the flames dance on one hand, and ice shimmering on the other hand. It was getting easier to balance them. You let a few tears fall while creating a couple dancing in your one hand, while you put the one with frost down on your lap. You watched with a smile, thinking of dancing with Bucky again.
"Wow, you are not easy to find" Tony came down from the sky in his ironman suit. You looked at him sheepishly and tried to focus on closing off the image you were staring at but he had seen it. "I fixed the inhibitor's" he recalled his suit into the small disk on his chest, and handing you the two small discs from his pocket. They locked themselves to your wrist when he tapped them once for you on each wrist.
"I didn't want to be found" you admitted, pulling your knees up under your chin.
"You're not alone anymore, you know" Tony sat beside you, picking up a rock and throwing it. "Even if you turn us down, you won't be alone. Its not like we can pretend you don't exist. We will probably come check on you all the time until you, you know, cave in and join us" he added with a smirk.
"Being alone has kept people safe all this time" you mumbled to yourself.
"No, it kept you scared. In that way, you never left Hydra. What you have is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have it too. With the right treatment, you can control yourself better. You'll learn how to control your powers too. I think we got ahead of ourselves, and were looking at the immediate solution, but not the bigger picture." Tony looked at you, and put hand on your arm. "I'm sorry, I should have taken more into account"
"After this last week with all of you, I've realized that if I have to be afraid all of the time to keep people safe, I don't want to exist anymore. I've come to enjoy feeling happy. I was always so scared of the flames, but I think I was scared to be happy. The ice... it comes so easily. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning in sadness, especially when I panic after a nightmare. The flames started coming easier every day, and it scared me. And now..." you trailed off, you put your hand out double tapping on one wrist and a small figure of a dog looking much like the three you had back at home were in your hand. "I want more of it" you admitted. "I'm tired Tony. Tired of always hiding, of not being able to be me"
"The inhibitors will help for now. But we need to keep the big picture in mind. Also I'd like to mention that I think you made a decision for me" he grinned triumphantly.
"I think I made it when Nat asked me. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I just need a few more days before we tell them" You gave a small smile.
"So, you'll join us" he wanted to hear you say it.
"Yes, Tony Stark. I would be honored to join your team. I have conditions" you looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "My dogs and my cat join us. I keep my cabin, and have rights to come back once in a while to see Ma, Pop's and Morgan with his family. They need to be kept safe. I also want you to have approval for me to be officially on your team. I don't like secrets, and I always want the truth. Even if its going to hurt. The trigger words, I need those gone. If we go on missions, don't baby me. I still will need my music. If I need alone time, let me have it"
"Those go without saying" he nodded agreement.
"I also don't want to wear a cat suit" you added hopefully.
"That's not going to happen" he chuckled. "Tin man was looking for you to start making supper"
"I didn't think I was gone that long" you admitted.
"Well, you did have a lot of thinking to do" he turned his suit back on, then grabbed you from behind. "Let's take the express home, shall we?"

"You found her!" Nat came running over from the riverside when you and Tony landed.
"I just needed to be alone for a bit" you smiled, feeling safe with the inhibitors back on.
"Don't scare me like that again" she pulled you in for a hug. "You just left and didn't even take your normal route!"
"No, she went across the river into the mountains a bit" Tony added fuel to the fire. "I'm going to go tinker on the jet" he seemed happy with himself. Nat looked at you suspiciously.
"I need to go make supper" you turned to go into the cabin.
"Bucky's still looking for you" she crossed her arms looking at you.
"Easily fixed. Leia, Chewy, Harry. Find Bucky. Bring him home" you gave the command, and they took off into the woods. You heard the excited yips and growls. You both watched as five minutes later Leia was pulling Bucky by the leg towards the end of the forest.
"Good girl Leia. Ready to make supper Buck?" you smiled at him, and he looked surprised, then relieved running over.
"Where did you go? You had us worried" he pulled you into a hug quickly and you flushed again. "Everyone's combing the woods looking for you"
"For a run" you muffled against his chest.
"Tony found her across the river up in the mountain" Nat ratted you out.
"I needed to think" you pulled back a little. "And you guys were in danger until the inhibitors were done. I wasn't going to stick around and risk hurting anyone"
"Your worth the risk doll" Bucky whispered in your ear pulling you back in for another hug.
"Can you send the dogs to go get the others?" Nat chuckled since your face was red as a tomato for so long now.
"They can't be that far off. Leia, bring everyone home" you pulled back again and started heading back into the cabin to wash up and start making supper. You pulled your phone out and turned on some music, plugging it into the jack in the kitchen. Bucky had followed you in, and helped pulling out the ingredients while you pulled out the pans. You pulled placed the steaks along the bottom of two pans, then covered them with instant mashed potatoes, dressing, and vegetables. Bucky followed your lead with the other pan, and worked silently beside you. You both put the pans in the oven, then looked at each other.
"Don't scare me like that again" he finally broke the silence.
"I wasn't gone that long" you scoffed. "It was to keep everyone safe, just in case"
Edith Piaf's version of La Vie en Rose came on. Bucky took your hand pulling you close and started dancing with you again. Without thinking, you rested your head on his chest as you both swayed to the music.
"I'll never get tired of dancing with you doll" he whispered into your hair. All I want by Emma Bale came on and he continued to dance with you in the kitchen.
"Well, I hope that fact remains if I go with you to New York" you raised your head to look at him, hoping that it would never change.
"Whether you go, or not... its not going to change. But I'm hoping you come" he smirked that devilish smile that you had grown to look forward to.
"We would be next door roomies" you joked resting your head back on his chest while the song played.
"For a bit" he chuckled.
"Just for a bit?" you pulled back confused, and he pulled you back in so you were against his chest again.
"I'd like to take you on a real date" he whispered after a while. "Would you like that?"