Together Forever - (Station 19 fanfic)

DEPRESSION

TW : Suicidal thoughts

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Bianca's POV :

I entered the psychiatrist's office, following the doctor. "Sit wherever you want Bianca."

I sat on a couch, and put my legs up against my chest. The psychiatrist sat in an armchair in front of me and took a notebook and a pen. Then she looked at me.

"Can you introduce yourself ?" She asked.

"Uuuuuuh... I'm Bianca."

"Can you tell me more ? Like things about you, things you like, things you dislike ?"

"I- uuuuh... I- I-" I stuttered, feeling very uncomfortable.

"Would it be easier if I did it first ?"

I nodded shyly.

"Alright then. I'm Lillian and I'm a psychiatrist. I truly love my work because I can help people and it's something that makes me really happy and grateful. I have a son, he is one year and a half and he's a very cheeky boy." She smiled nicely. "But I think my favorite thing is skiing. I love the winter landscapes and snow, and skiing is really the activity I love the most. It makes me feel free."

I listened carefully to her and when she was over, I felt more comfortable so I started talking.

"I'm Bianca, I love my family. I have a little sister, Celeste and she's the one person that I know can make me happy even when I'm feeling very sad. I love my moms too, Maya and Carina. Maya is the one you met before. Carina my other mom is Italian just like me and my dad." I looked down.

"What are you thinking about right now ?"

"My dad." I said sadly.

"Carina explained to me what happened to your parents. But do you want to talk to me about it ?"

"No. It's okay. I think I grieved, I'm better now."

"Alright. What about... your house ? Do you like where you live ?"

I raised my eyes and looked at her. "I thought we were supposed to talk about what happened."

"What happened ?" She questioned.

"The self- harm and everything. What I said to my mom."

"Do you want to talk about that ?"

"I- I don't know. Aren't you the one to choose what we're talking about ?" I asked.

"No I'm not. You're the one who chose the topic we will discuss. I won't force you to talk about anything you're not comfortable with."

I smiled slightly but then sighed. "I really don't know what to say."

"Are you used to people choosing for you ?"

"I don't know. I guess. I'm not good at taking decisions so I think I rather have people making them for me."

"Do Maya and Carina often make decisions for you ?"

I thought about it for a few seconds. "Maybe. But as I said, it's because I don't take them myself."

"Do you trust yourself in taking decisions ?" Lillian asked.

I shrugged.

"Do you trust yourself ?"

I looked up at her, she smiled at me and I felt tears prickling in my eyes. "I- I- it's not- they-" I interrupted myself.

"Don't stop, go ahead."

I wiped the fallen tears with the back of my hand. "I- I think- I'm scared of everything. I'm even sca- scared of myself."

Lillian was carefully listening to me, but I again cut myself in the middle of the sentence.

"Keep going sweetheart."

"I'm scared of wh- what I can do. I feel like if I take a decision and it's a b- bad one, I'll hurt people and myself and everyone will be disappointed and- and even maybe endangered. I'm so scared of that I- I rather feel nothing or pain than feel disappointment from mo- moms or anxiety. I hate it. I rather not feel."

Lillian's face didn't flinch but she set her pen and notebook down. "What does that mean ?"

I shrugged, not wanting to explain my emotions.

"Bianca, I just want you to understand one thing. Your moms called me because they were worried about you, and I am too. I'm scared that what you imply means you are going to endanger your life. So I want you to be very clear when you answer this question. Do you think of dying ?"

I gulped and looked down.

"A honest and clear answer honey." Lillian repeated.

"I- yes."

Lillian nodded and smiled sadly at me. "Alright. Here is what we are going to do. If you want to keep talking with me for a little while, we can do that. But then I will go get Maya and explain to her the situation."

"No please." I said quietly, just above a whisper.

"I'm sorry Bianca but I can't let you go knowing you are in danger."

I knew she was right. I was scared of mommy's reaction but Lillian was right so I told her I didn't want to say anything else and she stood up and came back with my mom.

Mommy sat on the couch next to me and Lillian took back her place. "So we talked a little with Bianca and I already can tell she's a very brave and smart girl." She smiled at me and turned back to Maya.

"But we discussed a bit her feelings and she said some concerning things."

Mommy swallowed hard but kept staring at the psychiatrist who again, turned to me.

"Bianca, I'm not going to hide anything from you. All I say to your moms will be things I told you I was going to tell them, so no surprise. And all I say to them, you'll be able to hear. It's your health, your life, you're the ruler of it. But if we judge that you'll put your life in danger, we'll take decisions for you. It's a work that we will do together, the four of us."

I nodded and she finally spoke to mommy about what I confessed. "Bianca told me she was thinking of dying. Adding to that the self-harm, and what she said to you a week ago, I think she's having a depressive episode, with suicidal thoughts."

Mommy stared at Lillian and didn't say anything.

"Miss Deluca-Bishop, Maya, you must feel like you failed something in Bianca's education but that's not true. Bianca's been through a lot the past year and a depressive episode is an illness, it needs to be treated but it's no one's fault."

"I understand." Said mommy quietly, without looking at me.

Author's Note :

Hiiii, I've read your comments about what to do with this story, so I'm taking requests for an eventual sequel ! Please give me ideas of what you'd want to read <3

Take care x