Stupid.
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You could call him stupid, but in his current mindset a he needed was rest, some alone time and just purely to escape from reality. Though he never wanted the actual help, he wanted to disappear from everything, avoid the people he used to know. Everything to just feel better, but he always ruined it for himself, and when help was offered he felt so anxious with accepting it.
Perhaps living in such a neglecting household before made him fear approval and help from people who may genuinely care.
But his stubborn mindset wasn't having it at all, and he was more than ready to practically throw himself out a five story building.
That was what he thought the whole night through. Bitting his fingernails till red droplets appeared on the floor, cheeks rough as rug after many tears that has been falling like a waterfall for hours. Voice sour from yelling at the man that offered him so much, that he eventually denied and took for granted.
Yes, he knew he was the problem here, but was he prepared to open his own eyes yet? No, he felt like opening his eyes would be the end of him, he felt like it would possibly show the purest weakness in him.
Maybe all he truly needed was a hug, and somebody telling him his mistakes were only temporary, but even so he needed to step out of his worst possible fear, and that was to admit whatever he did wrong, cause even if he knew it, he couldn't say it.
He learned so much from his family. How his mom ran from her problems, which definitely had an affect on him. His dad yelling and screaming at everyone, but act like the victim in the end, his aunt and uncle judging people till they mentally scarred someone. He really learned well..but was it his fault though? He grew up in such enviroments, he must learn to survive through such things, even if it meant learning would bring out the worst of him.
But he could be taught new things right? Maybe he should try to look into whatever Hyunjin is doing. Sure not going into some witch shit, but maybe find comfort in making small craft, like painting or taking care if plants..maybe he'd actually be good at something.
That tiny little hope, convinced him to stay. It convinced him to not just leave everything behind to risk his life again, even though it would be nice. Sure he had a reason to run at first, but now having Hyunjin who seemed to be wanting the best for him..it wouldn't make sense leaving right? He needed to face it and he knew it.
"Fuck, I'm the definition of an idiot" He groaned, staring at the clock. It was 4'O'clock, the usual time Hyunjin wakes up.
He really felt like an asshole, but for now all he needed was to apologies, even that wasn't enough, but it was all he could give. He had nothing. And he felt oh so useless because of it, maybe happiness would come shining in on him someday, but up until now, he felt like a complete mistake.
All he ever wanted was to be accepted, loved, and cared for, but when he finally meet someone that shows the slightest bit of care..he run away, he couldn't understand himself..and he deeply wanted to apologise.
He didn't want to be seen as a monster, but really there was no other way he could protect himself from other people who seemed like a big threat.
Yes he was known for his cold looks and rude impressions, but he really did have a big heart, he just hoped that one day he'd be able to trust a person enough, to be able to tell everything that he had in mind.
Maybe one day he wouldn't feel as alone? But of course even positive thoughts made him feel hopeless..cause he knew that one day would never arrive.
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Sorry for the delayed update, been in the hospital for awhile, bit I believe I might be able to publish a bit more.
